Crit thread: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-13992332/superspambot-s-walking-with-dinosaurs#post-4898891
I'm honestly surprised I even finished this thing, It felt like some sort of black hole eating up my time with all the edits I made, small or large. Big thanks to slimeisgood#2719 on discord for the RPC-869-3 picture and Repzillian from Twitter (although I paid him) for the RPC-869-4 image used in this.
Based on observations, RPC-869-1, 869-2, and 869-3, RPC-869 instances will periodically begin staring at ██████████ ██████████ for short periods throughout the day.
"RPC-869 -1 through -3 have been observed periodically staring at [blackboxes] for short periods throughout the day."
In some cases, the creature it is attacking will not die, and when this happens RPC-869-2 will pull itself out of its target and charge at it again, creating large puncture wounds until its target expires.
In some cases, a single thrust is not sufficient to terminate RPC-869-2's target. When this happens, RPC-869-2 repeatedly stabs it until it expires
fatally goring many of them
Is "goring" clinical?
porpoises but with many differences.
Suggest removing this or adding more detail.
most similar to the species Pterodaustro guinazui
It just struck me that this is a South American dinosaur in Africa, lol.
The most recent event RPC-869-4 was involved in was a skirmish when RPC-666 manifested east of Lake Tanganyika
Continue to dislike this log. Don't see why every instance of "RPC-666" is crosslinked.
at the time a level-3 member of research was able to
… We know he's a member of Research because he's a researcher. To what department or subdivision does he belong?
(according to Researcher P██████).
Why's this here?
with cracks appearing
When cracks appear in a submarine, it usually sinks pretty quick.
RPC-869-3 was killed, presumably due to a large electric shock followed up by a pod of orcas trying and succeeding at ripping it apart.
The "presumably" is out of place - we clearly know exactly this happened, why would we have to presume it did?
When it died, a light seemed to erm, emanate from around its corpse, slowly forming itself into a sphere above 869-3 before it moved towards Site Director Dupuis, who seemed to absorb it
Not a fan of how straightforward this is. It reads video-gamey, if you know what I mean.
During that period, the Authority had still just begun creating a foothold in the continent, and Site-058 was still the only proper Site on the continent.
Continent repeated twice.
I didn't know what would be wrong or right, I couldn't fire him and try to find a candidate without explaining myself, and for what? Some daydreams and a change in attitude?
1.- The "wrong or right" reads kinda forced. I get that you wanted to add the underline text for whatever reason, but it hurts the general quality of the read.
2.- I don't see how daydreams and a change in attitude aren't grounds for more investigation and maybe preemptive containment. For all we know, it could be an anomalous meme or a brain parasite or whatever. Of course firing would be pretty stupid - releasing a potential anomaly into the public is a bad idea.
Not a fan of the final note at all. It's way too long and expository, honestly - could be better off cut in half. It is definitely an improvement over the final version, though: it provides something more than just "monster" to the article.
I'm somewhere between 4 and 3 for this article. It certainly has its charm, but that charm does not appeal to me; despite how awesome dinosaurs are, just dinosaurs is pretty underwhelming. Like I said before, the final note helps lift this up, but otherwise the content of the article isn't entertaining to read; functionally, it's four very long dinosaur descriptions and I could get that from any one of the seven dinosaur books on my shelf.
I sense that the final note and incident are some sort of hook for a future narrative or tale series. Not sure of what the contents of that narrative would be, but it seems as if this article has gotten the short end of the stick, so to speak. There's not much done with these creatures beyond the implication of a mystery and a hook for future articles.
Furthermore, my primary critique — that each sub-anomaly feels disconnected and the reason for their existence isn't even touched — is not sufficiently addressed; the final incident does provide interesting implications, but the Authority seems largely oblivious to any sort of relationship these things may have. This is not to say that they don't know anything, but that the lack of any mention of even an attempt at connecting them together makes it seem like they don't, and they don't care that much.
In general, I suggest expanding this notion of breadcrumbs you have in certain places1 to create a greater atmosphere of mystery. Spend less time describing the anomalies and adjacent incidents, and more in dropping the pieces to the mystery that they represent.
I remember liking this one a lot more originally. The first 2/3rds are okay, and I like the lore about GD-Afri, but the second part makes no fucking sense even after you explained in DMs. I'm sorry, but it's just the letter and everything that feels unneeded. Nothing builds to a climax, it just goes out with a whimper.
3 stars for now, but the first 2 acts definitely were riding the wave of a 4 star article.