No special needed containment is needed as those who are a part of the church are oblivious to its anomalous actions.
No special containment procedure is needed as the members of the church are oblivious to its anomalous actions.
RPC-XXX consists of ten manuals, 521 ranks, 401 registers, and 50,667 pipes, and weighs approximately 400 tons.
RPC-XXX consists of ten manuals, 521 ranks, 401 registers, and 50,667 pipes, weighing approximately 363,000 kg in total.
We use metric here.
The only thing missing from RPC-XXX is the keyboard to the organ itself.
RPC-XXX is missing the keys of the keyboard.
Break up the paragraph after this sentence.
…………all those people…… gone in an instant……
The usual 3 dots is enough to convey silence. Excessive amounts of it will look awkward.
Any and all who enter the church RPC-XXX resides in will instantly feel an urge to sit in the pews to listen to RPC-XXX play it’s beautiful music.
Subjects that enter the church RPC-XXX will instantly feel an urge to sit in the pews to listen to RPC-XXX play its beautiful music.
The music RPC-XXX now plays, now designated RPC-XXX-1, sounds as if the keys are pressed down with tremendous force and the notes are off tune with an eerie melody and distorted rhythm.
It doesn't need a -1 designation as it is a property of RPC-XXX rather than a separate entity related to RPC-XXX
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
RPC-XXX is currently contained within The Church of the ██████.
RPC-XXX is fixed into the walls of The Church of the ██████.
Make sure to note where the said church is located (settlements, country).
No organic beings are to enter RPC-XXX’s containment without proper ear wear, are surgically deafened, or are not wearing acidic proof hazmat suits.
This sentence is a little bit awkwardly written.
I would write it as: All organic beings entering RPC-XXX's containment chamber must be deafened and equipped with a PVC chemical suit.
RPC-XXX is a vintage pipe organ that is dated back between the years 1929 and 193█.
Pointless redaction.
RPC-XXX consists of ten manuals, 521 ranks, 401 registers, and 50,667 pipes, and weighs approximately 400 tons.
Use metric units.
The music from RPC-XXX gives its audience a sense of comfort and happiness, and at times the churchgoers would report and admire light Golden sparkles that would come out of the pipes themselves.
The part with the Golden sparkles came out of nowhere and lacks a clinical tone.
In recent containment breach activity as of 4-27-200█, RPC-XXX has been upgraded to a Beta-Red.
Add this at the end of the breach report.
The [Expletive] happened in there?!
The timeline is all wrong here. First, you mention the normal Description. Then, you mention the Breach Report without actually providing me with a Breach Report and then you move the Updated Description followed by a Breach Report.
The timeline should be: Description -> Breach Report -> Closing statement of the Breach Report (RPC-XXX has been upgraded to a Beta-Red) -> Updated File
play its beautiful music
There are line spacing issues in Interview Log.
So you have an interesting anomaly here. The Updated file has some hints of the writer being affected by RPC-XXX ("play its beautiful music"), but you need to make it more clear and prominent.
There are a few SPaG errors and parts in which the overall tone takes a massive dip. I've pointed out some of the details, but I recommend you have a proper read (or listen, if you place the text into Text to Speech) over the document.
Registered Phenomena Code: XXX
Object Class: Alpha-White
Beta-Red
Missing
line
breaks.
Description: RPC-XXX is a vintage pipe organ that dates back to between the years 1929 and 1937. RPC-XXX consists of ten manuals, 521 ranks, 401 registers, and 50,667 pipes, weighing approximately 363,000 kg in total. RPC-XXX is fixed into the walls of The Church of The ██████. RPC-XXX is missing the keys of the keyboard.
Line break missing after this paragraph.
"RPC-XXX is a vintage pipe organ built between 1929 and 1937 [by who?]. It consists of 10 manuals, 521 ranks, 401 registers, and 50,667 pipes, weighing 363,000kg in total. RPC-XXX cannot be played by normal means: all of its keys are missing."
RPC-XXX is fixed into the walls of The Church of The ██████. RPC-XXX is missing the keys of the keyboard.
"RPC-XXX is affixed to the walls of the Church of the ██████, [rough location?]."
RPC-XXX is known to play by itself every twelve hours for three hours at a time. The music from RPC-XXX gives its audience a sense of comfort and happiness, and at times the churchgoers would admire light Golden sparkles that would come out of the pipes themselves.
"RPC-XXX is known to play autonomously every twelve hours, for three hours at a time. Such sessions have a comforting effect on churchgoers, with occasional claims of golden sparkling leaving the organ's pipes."
At 10:56 PM on the night of Christmas Eve 198█, one of the ASF personnel in charge of surveillance of RPC-XXX reported that Agent █████ approached him and his partner and gassed them with an unknown sleeping agent. Security footage three blocks down from where RPC-XXX’s location is showed a large fire erupting from said location. The fire department arrived on the scene at 11:13 PM and testified, they all heard the screams of “something inhuman” coming from inside. The fire department eventually doused the fire, but strangely the fire never burnt the exterior of the church, but charred 67% of its interior.
Missing some line breaks, this is a hefty paragraph.
"At 10:56 PM on the night of Christmas Eve 198█, one of the ASF personnel in charge of surveillance of RPC-XXX reported that Agent █████ immobilized him and his partner with an unknown sleeping agent.
Security footage three blocks down from RPC-XXX's location showed a large fire abruptly erupting at around the same time. Upon the arrival of a firefighting team [Authority or not?] at 11:13 PM, all persons present uniformly reported hearing non-human screaming from inside the building.
The fire was eventually doused after [time: maybe 4 hours?] of action. In the aftermath, a significant abnormality was noted: although the exterior of the church was unscathed, approximately two-thirds of its interior had been charred."
When one of the security personnel, Sgt. Philman, awoke, he heard a slow, haunting tune coming from RPC-XXX that lured three-quarters of the fire department inside and shut the doors behind them. What he heard next were screams of pain that later turned into suffocating gasps. When Philman tried opening the doors to the church, air rushed back into the church knocking Philman to the ground. He then saw all the firefighters laying on the floor dead from asphyxiation.
"When Security head Sgt. Philman awoke, he heard a slow tune emanating from RPC-XXX, followed by three-quarters of the firefighting force present entering its room and shutting the door behind them. Over the course of an hour, he would hear screams, followed by gasps indicative of asphyxiation.
When Sgt. Philman succeeded in opening the door, a potent gust of wind knocked him to the ground. All of the affected firefighters had asphyxiated beyond recovery."
I don't get the point of the Director note, it's supremely unprofessional for a man of that position. The whole [EXPLETIVE] thing is also pretty outdated — personnel are allowed to curse just fine as far as I know.
Philman: But now… that thing… that thing is no longer a █████… it’s a demon… [Philman slams on the table] A DEMON!
The dramatics here feel pretty forced. I strongly encourage you to watch interviews with war veterans if you want to get a good impression of how trained persons react to trauma.
I'm also not convinced by how the article is being updated. An updated description should replace the current one, unless it's up for review or something.
The general aesthetic you're going for in that last description feels like a super predictable direction to go in with the anomaly. The idea that it's growing is interesting but it's just left there. We don't really get to learn anything about the organ, or the Agent's motives — all of that ends up unresolved. The edginess of having mind control that causes people to bleed and die feels pretty disappointing too.