Planet Devourers
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/unknown-chan-grp
EDIT: 2/27/2022
Reedited article. crit needed
EDIT: March 3 2022
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/grp-178 It's posted!
Planet Devourers (GRP-178 IS POSTED, ARCHIVE THIS)
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Planet Devourers (GRP-178 IS POSTED, ARCHIVE THIS)
Summary:
Growing lava blob from another alternative timeline. They feed and reproduce by "eating away" planets.
Crit for you
——
Object Class:Neutralized/Gamma
To
Object Class: Neutralized/Gamma
Reason: Add a space
——
RPC-XXX at the time
To
RPC-XXX, at the time
Reason: Correct punctuation
——
RPC-XXX are extra-terrestrial/dimensional organisms
To
RPC-XXX is an extra-terrestrial/dimensional organism
Reason: RPC-XXX is Singular description
——
Originally encountered in our baseline reality
To
Initially encountered in the baseline reality
Reason: Better sentence flow
——
RPC-XXX instances reproduce in a way resembling cellular division, into two smaller instances,
To
RPC-XXX’s reproduce via cellular division, where one life form divides into two smaller instances,
Reason: Better sentence flow
——
planetary-based predator which seeks out
To
planetary-based predator that seeks out
Reason: Proper pronoun
——
where the planet eventually through unknown means, spontaneously combust.
To
where the planet spontaneously combusts through unknown means.
Reason: Proper sentence structure
Notes: Explain how it blows up the planet, heats up core, ect.
——
RPC-XXX's increase in size becomes uncontainable.
To
RPC-XXX's increase in size became uncontainable.
Reason: Proper wording
——
However, 10 years after
To
However, ten years after
——
Hello, its [DATA REDACTED]. That's the verification code.
To
Hello, it’s [DATA REDACTED]. That's the verification code.
Reason: Proper punctuation
——
Confirmed, what's going on?
To
Confirmed; what's going on?
Reason: Proper comma
——
accidentally disposed one of it somewhere
To
accidentally disposed of one somewhere
Reason: Proper grammar
——
Well shit. What's the anomaly
To
Well, shit. What's the anomaly
Reason: Proper comma
——
Thankfully it's neutralized around… 10 years 4 months and 2 days to be
To
Thankfully, it's neutralized around… 10 years, four months, and two days to be
Reason: Proper comma and wording
——
GRPC Personnel: Well you guys are safe, it looks like whatever we used to get rid of the creature sent it to your universe 10 years ago. You guys are still alive and well on your planet I'm assuming, so the threat is dealt with, right?
Note: The GRPC don’t use years, just hours, minutes, and seconds.
——
Those things destroyed a lot of planets where we are. Civilizations and colonies had to evaluate if they ever get to. I think I should let you know those creatures' lifecycle kinda relies on that.
Note: Humanity doesn’t have civilizations on planets in this alt timeline, most human instillations are small and in low G environments like asteroids, moons, and space stations.
——
Thanks for the feedback, I just edited it.
I am not sure if a GRPC theme would be most appropriate here, since this is a document existing in the RPC timeline. Either way, it's just a small thing.
The GRPC is an organization in the alternative Cosmic Embers reality, taking on a role of containing and monitoring space-based anomalies in a way similar to RPC Authority.
Existing instances of RPC-XXX in the designated "Cosmic Embers" reality are monitored from established communication with the GRPC
While the title of "Cosmic Embers" exists in the universe (in the same way that Remnants timeline is called "Remnants" on official files), realities also have specific designations (ex. ALTR-D2AJ). I am not sure what the Cosmic Embers designation is, but I think Red might know.
RPC-XXX are biologically constructed out of lava and are amorphous in shape. RPC-XXX moves via locomotion, and are agile predators.
In both cases, mention "the instances of RPC-XXX are…" since you are speaking about an entire species.
Larger masses of RPC-XXX grow in biomass at an accelerated rate.
Awkward wording.
The final conversation should use some work. I am not the best with dialogue, so I suggest you implore the help of somebody.
Hello and thanks for the feedback.
As for the specific designation ID, I'm gonna find out when Red is online (I've asked him today when he was offline)
Fixed the instances because part.
And as for the larger masses of RPC-XXX grow part, I've changed it to " Larger instances of RPC-XXX grow at an accelerated rate depending on their original biomass."
And as for the dialog, I will make changes to it. What do you personally enjoy from dialog-based RPC articles if you don't mind me asking, so I could understand what most readers are looking for in an interview log?
EDIT: Also for the GRPC/RPC part, do you think I should remove the direct reference to GRPC in-document (Not the lore, but the tabview of the document being viewed from the GRPC's POV part)
I wouldn't really call this a dialogue-based RPC, since the dialogue only makes up the last addendum.
Now that I look over it again, there really is not much issue with the dialogue itself. I suppose it could use some professionalism. Remember that making dialogue more professional is not equal to stripping personality from the characters.
EDIT: Also for the GRPC/RPC part, do you think I should remove the direct reference to GRPC in-document (Not the lore, but the tabview of the document being viewed from the GRPC's POV part)
I think that would be good. But it would work either way.
I've done the edits except for the dialog part, mainly because I want to plan out the interview log before getting started on it.
Also, I would like to get more feedback on the idea/concept itself, and if there's any way that could be improved.
The theme I want to capture in this RPC is based on the idea of dangerous extraterrestrial beings and predators out there in the universe, and how one's entire home planet could be destroyed one day by whatever entity is passing by all of a sudden. It's a cosmic-horror scale predator in a way.
(account deleted)1. Hazard types list could use some work. You don't need to put "hazard" after each one. Just "aggression, extra-terrestrial, etc" is fine. Actually, do you need to list extra terrestrial? Given this is a GRPC article it's kind of a given, right?
2. Conprocs are solid, no complaints
3.
RPC-XXX is an extra-terrestrial/dimensional organism native to the Authority designated ALTR-CE2001 reality. Initially encountered in the baseline reality close to Earth's atmosphere.
Instead of two sentences, you can merge them with a comma so it doesn't read as awkwardly.
4. Actually, you have this problem of breaking up sentences a few times.
RPC-XXX instances are biologically constructed out of lava and are amorphous in shape. RPC-XXX instances move via locomotion and are agile predators. All instances of RPC-XXX have a tendency to attack all forms of life, including human subjects and/or plants. Victims are typically completely burnt through physical contact with RPC-XXX.
This could easily be one or two sentences tops. It's not bad, but may read better. I like the imagery, though. Although this is less of an issue as the article goes along- it seems like you really find your flow later on.
5.
and completely submerge a planet's surface
I would say "encompass", "cover", or something along those lines. Submerge can work here but doesn't necessarily imply it covers the entire planet.
6. Put a space between begin log and the first line of dialogue. Speaking of the dialogue, it's pretty good! Keep an eye on repetition, though. Use ctrl-f "planet" or "reality" and you'll see what I mean pretty quickly.
Overall, good article! I enjoyed it a lot. Kinda short n' pretty sweet.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/unknown-chan-grp (Bumping the draft, did a major re-work with the narrative in Discovery.
Images of sketches is made by Qualith
/forum/t-14345866/planet-devourers-grp-178-is-posted-archive-this#post-