CSD-6868 in Wonderland
This is probably the longest article I'd ever make in my lifetime. The format doesn't work on mobile, just a head's up.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
CSD-6868 in Wonderland
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» CSD-6868 in Wonderland
Summary:
CSD-6868 been dropped into a wonderland with a sorceress queen, a nazi grim reaper, a butterfly angel, and a french person. Will our "hero" be able to escape this madness?
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chamber coated paneled with lead.
To
chamber paneled with lead.
Or
chamber coated with lead.
Reason: Proper grammar
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RPC-XXX a cross-dimensional
To
RPC-XXX is a cross-dimensional
Reason: Missing verb
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as it is called by its native inhabitants,
To
as its native inhabitants call it,
Reason: Redundant wording
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called “sovereignty”.
To
called “sovereignty.”
Reason: Proper period placement
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of England with a
To
of England, with a
Reason: Missing comma
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populated by a diverse array of native
To
populated by various native
Reason: Redundant Wording
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form of regular fauna
To
form of typical fauna
Reason: Proper synonym replacement
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e.g humans, dogs,
To
e.g., humans, dogs,
Reason: Missing comma / period
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imagination (e.g dragons,
To
imagination (e.g., dragons,
Reason: Missing comma / period
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whether it be foreign
To
whether foreign
Reason: Redundant wording
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organisms that originate
To
organisms originating
Reason: Proper grammar
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In spite of the assumption
To
Despite the assumption
Reason: Redundant wording / proper grammar
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"Esmée Carina".
To
"Esmée Carina.”
Reason: Proper period placement
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Defined as a sentient entity
To
It is defined as a sentient entity
Reason: Incomplete sentence
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as it is called by the native inhabitants of RPC-XXX-ALTR, is personified
To
as the native inhabitants of RPC-XXX-ALTR call it, is personified
Reason: Proper grammar
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"Angel of Death"
To
"Angel of Death,"
Reason: Missing comma
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Pistole Parabellum, a
To
Pistole Parabellum was a
Reason: Comma not required / proper grammar
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an abstract omnipresent entity
To
an omnipresent abstract entity
Reason: Noun phrase wrong order
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RPC-XXX-ALTR, but it also
To
RPC-XXX-ALTR. Still, it also
Reason: Proper period placement / sentence structure
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foreign organism back to the
To
foreign organisms to the
Reason: Proper grammar / spelling
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until a good candidate
To
until a suitable candidate
Reason: Improved synonym replacement
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the "Intertitle", which
To
the "Intertitle," which
Reason: Proper comma placement
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the "Intertitle". To visualize this property, the LCQ machine was created.
To
the "Intertitle." The LCQ machine was created to visualize this property.
Reason: Proper period placement / Proper grammar / Proper sentence structure
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have one you know?
To
have one, you know?
Reason: Missing comma
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broke it and
To
broke it, and
Reason: Missing comma
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moss but you
To
moss, but you
Reason: Missing comma
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further, I think that’s too closer.
To
further; I think that’s too close.
Reason: Proper punctuation / spelling
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Fishes with Shoes”.
To
Fishes with Shoes.”
Reason: Proper period placement
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machines no?
To
machines, no?
Reason: Missing comma
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called "Exatoria".
To
called "Exatoria.”
Reason: Proper period placement
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mycelium which lasted
To
mycelium, which lasted
Reason: Missing comma
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CSD-6868 is a 34-year old Caucasian male who formerly worked as a Chemistry teacher in ████████ Elementary, Kansas, confined under the Authority in 2017.
To
CSD-6868 is a 34-year-old Caucasian male, formerly employed as a Chemistry teacher by ████████ Elementary, Kansas. As of 2017, CSD-6868 has been transferred into Authority care.
This part come off stiff, flowing poorly, minor grammatical additions as suggested above can help the grammatical flow.
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Using the limited information the Authority acquired on RPC-XXX-ALTR, CSD-6868's equipment was optimized for a 12-day exploration. CSD-6868 was advised to avoid RPC-XXX-2 and if possible, RPC-XXX-1 as well.
To
Utilizing the limited information acquired on RPC-XXX-ALTR, the Authority optimized CSD-6868's equipment for their 12-day exploration by [specify what the Authority added/changed].
This segment should be explaining the type of gear, tech, tools, and resource adjustments the Authority has made, and why specifically.
Instead of simply warning him to avoid XXX-1 & XXX-2, the Authority should give him some sort of booklet or detection tool to better fit the over all descriptive theme.
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CSD-6868: Here I am. I’ve landed on some sort ol’ abandoned house, looks like it was blown to bits ages ago. It uh (sniffs) smells like bananas. Nitroglycerin I think?
I’ve worked with nitroglycerin, it smelling of banana is greatly over exaggerated and in this case, wouldn’t smell at all, since it’s already been ignited.
There are these butterflies, they keep following me. Dunno what that's about.
To
There are these butterflies, they keep following me. Wonder if I should be worried.
This is a strange and potentially hostile place for the CSD, his reactions and comments should be more pessimistic or on edge, rather then aloof.
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RPC-XXX-1: Well you don’t look alright, nor do you look fine for that matter, falling down like that is miserable for any creature.
&
RPC-XXX-1: You must've fallen really hard then, miserable for any creature.
You’re repeating the same information here, you can remove on or the other
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CSD-6868: Hey kid,
To
CSD-6868: Hey kid, I have a question I’d like to ask
Just saying “Hey kid,” sounds off here, sounds rude despite the cheery tone.
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RPC-XXX-1: Well, because you're new here I'll guide you through this world. As a ruler, I can't leave anyone to fend for themself. I, Camille Carina will be your tour guide to the capital.
To
RPC-XXX-1: Well, because you're new here, and as a ruler, It’s my duty to aid lost wanderers, I, Camille Carina will be your tour guide to the capital.
Emphasis on drive, duty, and goals here. This helps to characterize Camilla Carina.
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RPC-XXX-1: Oh… Do you want to?
CSD-6868: I mean, sure. But you really don't have to.
RPC-XXX-1: It's my duty.
To
RPC-XXX-1: Oh… you don’t want to?
CSD-6868: I mean, I do. But you really don't have to on my account.
RPC-XXX-1: Oh no, I insist, It's my duty after all.
This bit fell stiff, doubling down on characterization of the characters by adding more of a back and forth helps the flush of the story.
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CSD-6868: … You know what? Fine. Lead the way.
To
CSD-6868: … Fine, I concede. Lead the way oh dutiful one.
Change grammar and word usage to make the CSD sound less like a child, and instead like a guy who’s caving in to demands
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Italics: My commentary
Quotes: Parts of the article I'm referencing
Plain text: Text fixes, grammar, better wording and stuff for the referenced text
Front Article
Containment Protocol:
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a 4m x 4m x 4m chamber
Wouldn't 4m3 be simpler?
No organism
Does that include bacteria? Do they need to keep the are hyper-sterilized? Maybe "organism" is bit too wide of a term here.
Description:
Its relative vicinity radiates a coherency bubble calculated to be around ±0.33 ACS/h
So, around her is a space of reality that can be higher or lower than base values by 0.33? The issue with how the sentence is worded and "ACS/h" is that ACS is not like, temperature or weight. It is, as the name says, the Anderson Coherency Scale. It is a method of cataloging realities into different classifications after an extensive test is done by hand inside said reality, or an expensive machine is used to basically do the same tests but without the need of a person. So it isn't like degrees of temperature or something, which makes "ACS/h" (which would be Anderson Coherency Scale per hour(???)) kinda silly to imagine. I think you would be as fine just saying that the space around the cadaver is pretty unstable area of reality, or a weird overlap between two realities that causes it to be unstable and dangerous to be around.
Active organic compounds that are submerged within the coherency bubble for a period of 30-45 minutes (depending on mass) are abruptly teleported into an alternate reality within the info-space.
As the name implies, the info-plane is another PLANE of reality. Going by old Lore Books of the Ascribian Library, a reality is made up of 3 (maybe 4) planes, which would be: baseline (or their base, physical reality), the info-plane, the sea of forms and maybe the black river. This is to say, if you were teleported into another reality, you would end up in the physical part of it, since the infoplane is a weird-ass place where information exist in a particle-waveform state (aka not physical). The "infospace", as I can remember from 813, is a representation of all infoplanes across all realities, rather than its own reality. And saying "reality within the infospace" is then, also a bit silly-sounding. Because the infospace isn't the same as the infoplane, and its not like each individual plane of reality has its own, independent realities. The Infoplane of baseline reality is the one we have. If you traveled to another reality while, somehow, inside the infoplane, you would go to a different infoplane with its own "baseline" or physical space. I would say to change it like the last one, and have the person be sent to a low ACS reality that is dream-like in nature, and by virtue of not being that coherent, the lines between it and the infoplane are kinda blurry.
The exact coordinate of this reality is designated as RPC-XXX-ALTR.
Realities are usually just named as "ALTR-XXXX", like ALTR-AC18 on 416. It's shorter, and goes in line with other ALTR names in the site.
RPC-XXX-ALTR, otherwise known as le Royaume Souverain de la Reine Carina (English: the Sovereign Kingdom of Queen Carina)
Comma after the end of parenthesis.
designated RPC-XXX-ALTR-e
Same as the last one, you can just give them a far more simpler name that goes along with the naming convention, either just being ALTR-XXXX-e or something else to your liking.
and RPC-XXX-3 respectively, these
period instead of comma.
RPC-XXX-2 is an abnormal Infodemon
Oh man, idk if I have the word limit to discuss why this ain't a good idea. Infodemons have only been used once in the lore, as a hypothetical entity that has only been seen once in the history of the Authority. You'd honestly have to spend half of the article explaining the science-fagging behind the infodemon to make it fit properly, and it would also have to make sense in the fact this reality isn't really the infoplane, as I said before. Honestly, I'd say you're better off just making it something new related to low-ACS realities or memotics. It would be more interesting and give you a lot more writing liberty, as well as not needing to change your ideas to fit the vague Infodemon mold.
or “Gehnich”5 as it's named
Don't use "it's", "doesn't", "isn't", or so in a clinical tone article. You say the whole thing.
As evident by the preserved carcasses around RPC-XXX-1
Is the containment chamber just filled with corpses? Or was this where it was found? Was the chamber built AROUND the anomaly and the corpses? And I don't understand, because -1 is the girl inside the ALTR. Does she just have corpses around her?
Addendum-XXX-A:
Using Deep-Learning Algorithm
Wouldn't it be either "a Deep-Learning" or "Deep-Learning Algorithms"?
is a system can
that can*
Addenda: LCQ drone #3 Log
I feel like a foreword before the recording starts would be useful, I felt like I missed something there.
Another thing I'm trying to understand: when the dialogue is white, they're speaking English, right? Or does it also count for French? I feel like the explanation at the top was a little confusing, since idk why they would want to translate text into French for an English document, unless I'm missing something.
ALSO, are RPC-XXX and PoI-XXX the same person? Or just 2 girls who have the same name? I got a little mixed up there. Is one of them supposed to be called Esmée and there was a typo?
was registered
Wouldn't "was assigned" make more sense?
Exploration XXX-ALTR-A1
Exploration Log [3/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A1:
LCQ-Camera system1
Why the footnote? You already explained what it was before.
Preface:
Every intertitle instance will be displayed in a CSS format.
Uhhhh, is this a draft comment of something in the actual article? It just seems… kinda weird to mention it now and in that way after you've already shown intertitles.
[ CSD-6868 teleports 16 m above the ground of RPC-XXX-ALTR. ]
CSD-6868: Oh god fucking damn that hurts.
It wouldn't have just hurt nigga, a 50 feet fall would've splattered him into the ground.
You don't mind eh doctor Milhouse?
You don't mind, eh… Dr. Milhouse?
on some sort ol’
sort of
There are these butterflies, they keep following me. I uh, wonder if I should be worried? They're supposed to be symbolic of something in this place right?
There are these butterflies too, they keep following me everywhere. I uh, I wonder if I should be worried. They're supposed to be symbolic of something in this place, right?
Hello down there mister,
Hello down there, mister, | (same for the repeat that follows)
Well you don’t look alright
Well, you don’t look alright
for that matter,
period instead of comma.
You must've fallen really hard then, miserable for any creature.
You must've fallen really hard, then. Miserable for any creature indeed. | (can ignore the last bit, just thought it flows better)
Say mister
Say, mister
name if I may ask
name if, I may ask
Pleasure to meet you mister George.
Pleasure to meet you, mister George.
Camille Carina eh?
Camille Carina, eh?
Yes actually
Yes, actually
Just where in the world did I just land.
Question mark at the end?
you must be new around here mister George.
you must be new around here, mister George.
RPC-XXX investigates CSD-6868.
You mean RPC-XXX-1?
RPC-XXX-1: Aha! RPC! You’re an RPC worker!
I'm actually not sure if the "RPC" part is ever used officially in the cannon, or if its just "Authority"
you’re an explorer too right?
you’re an explorer too, right?
XXXA002
What now?
RPC-XXX inspects the LCQ-Camera
You mean, RPC-XXX-1, again?
the same kind I reckon
the same kind, I reckon
the guys at RPC
Again with what I said before. At least in the official lore pages its "Authority" or "the Authority"
Oh no, I insist, It's my duty after all.
Oh no, I insist. It's my duty, after all.
You're just a kid, if anything I should
You're just a kid. If anything, I should
lead the way oh dutiful
lead the way, oh dutiful
Exploration Log [3/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A2:
out there mister George.
out there, mister George.
Nowadays trash pile up all 'round ponds and rivers. Where's this place anyhows?
Nowadays, trash pile up all 'round ponds and rivers. Where's this place, anyhow?
RPC-XXX-1: It's as shrimple as that.
Surprisingly not cringe given the context of the scene.
favorite food mister?
favorite, food mister?
Eh I dunno. Hamburgers I guess.
Eh, I dunno. Hamburgers, I guess.
is it a bit or a girl?
boy
Also, hory shit :spit:… Walter White??????/
I see this mission is very important to you, I’ll be sure to try my very best as your tour guide
change comma for period.
It's an honor miss Carina.
It's an honor, miss Carina.
yourself Camille?
yourself, Camille?
as a ruler of course.
as a ruler, of course.
She’s doing a really good job too, you should see how hard she works.
She’s doing a really good job, too. You should see how hard she works.
Are you okay George?
Are you okay, George?
Should I be calling you your majesty?
Should I be calling you "your majesty"?
for formalities mister George,
for formalities, mister George,
I thought it was just my eyes, seems like cameras see things the way I do too, everything is a blur.
I thought it was just my eyes… Seems like cameras see things the way I do, too. Everything is a blur.
I'm sorry what?
I'm sorry, what?
Exploration Log [4/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A3:
No it’s not like that…. Actually,
No, it’s not like that… Actually,
now that I think about you're correct, but it’s much much more than that.
now that I think about, you're correct. But it’s much much more than that.
bear witness, I have a feeling
bear witness. I have a feeling
Well what’re you waiting for? Here I’ll help.
Well, what’re you waiting for? Here, I’ll help.
I'm sorry mister flowerman,
I'm sorry, mister flowerman,
It’s a court that’s unfair mister George
It’s a court that’s unfair, mister George
This is a bit morbid don't you think?
This is a bit morbid, don't you think?
Exploration Log [4/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A4:
No you see,
No, you see,
I mean you should've seen it with your own eyes it was putri-
I mean, you should've seen it with your own eyes, it was putri-
RPC-XXX-2: Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go · · ·
I think it would be cooler is his dialogue was in German, at least here, and color-coded differently from the French Cyan. Just an opinion.
Exploration Log [5/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A5:
afraid of blood mister George?
afraid of blood, mister George?
lose yourself eh?
lose yourself, eh?
But life can be full of adventures can't it?
Not sure if you meant to say can or can't at the start. Either way, comma before "can't it"
Are you okay George?
Are you okay, George?
Exploration Log [5/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A6
Together mister George
Together, mister George
Are you George T. █████ sir?
Are you George T. █████, sir?
Duchess huh.
Duchess, huh?
Follow me sir.
Follow me, sir.
Human no less, sir █████ we have much to discuss.
Human, no less. Sir █████, we have much to discuss.
Exploration Log [9/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A7:
Let's use this camera eh?
Let's use this camera, eh?
Exploration Log [10/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A8:
long then sir.
long then, sir.
before death himself came and brought unto me the of mortality.
the fear of mortality?
She was bluffing of course,
She was bluffing, of course,
make me queen but of course,
make me queen, but of course,
She’ll do the same thing to you likely.
She’ll do the same thing to you, likely.
a dragon too
a dragon, too
I've taken this path before but I don't know if it works.
I've taken this path before, but I don't know if it works.
little creatures but are willing
little creatures, but are willing
That’s a bit cryptic ain’t it?
That’s a bit cryptic, ain’t it?
I tried it myself but had
I tried it myself, but had
luck there then.
luck there, then.
get rid of you,
period instead of comma
That's not to mention the train, the people
That's not to mention the train. The people
about the Authority, isn't it likely
about the Authority. Isn't it likely
Exploration Log [11/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A9:
you luck then.
you luck, then.
Excuse me sir!
Excuse me, sir!
Would you like to eat something to eat for lunch?
Would you like something to eat for lunch?
Excuse me monsieur,
Excuse me, monsieur,
D’accord.
Shouldn't this also be translated?
nice chat that’s all.
nice chat, that’s all.
mind, I’d rather be alone sorry.
mind. I’d rather be alone, sorry.
Well alright then
Well, alright then
3 and 4 laughs uncontrollably.
3 and 4 laugh uncontrollably.
Exploration Log [12/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A10:
Wait, no holy shit.
Wait, no, holy shit.
I’ll leave then.
I’ll leave, then.
Exploration Log [14/12/19] XXX-ALTR-A11:
This log wasn't sent to the Authority until CSD-6868's return.
Booooo, spoiler
When the Sovereign Queen made her first vow, no longer shall creation recede. An agent of order was born to resist this blasphemy against nature.
When the Sovereign Queen made her first vow, "no longer shall creation recede", an agent of order was born to resist this blasphemy against nature.
Good afternoon George,
Good afternoon, George,
RPC-XXX: I thought-I
RPC-XXX-1?
Oh mister George.
Oh mister, George.
RPC-XXX: Why, okay then.
Same as before.
look at you sir
look at you, sir
Exploration Log [01/01/20] XXX-ALTR-A12:
Scary stuff ey?
Scary stuff, ey?
prettiest thing won’t it?
prettiest thing, won’t it?
Exploration Log [04/02/20] XXX-ALTR-A13:
It’s been two months now I think?
It’s been two months now, I think?
Got it boss.
Got it, boss.
that's Gehnich isn't it?
that's Gehnich's isn't it?
Well I'll see you around George. Say "heya" next time you look at the mirror for me ey?
Well I'll see you around, George. Say "heya" next time you look at the mirror for me, ey?
Exploration Log [22/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A14:
Nothing your grace.
Nothing, your grace.
RPC-XXX-2 stares at CSD-6868 intently.
Uhhhh, you mean RPC-XXX-1?
prefer your name Esmée.
prefer your name, Esmée.
and returns to the drone to baseline reality.
and returns the drone to baseline reality.
Exploration Log [24/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A15:
It's been a while ey?
It's been a while, ey?
Y-yeah sure.
Y-yeah, sure.
I'm you dumbass.
I'm you, dumbass.
Gehnich right?
Gehnich, right?
I'm not gonna kill her you stupid bastard.
I'm not gonna kill her, you stupid bastard.
What the fuck are you anyways
What the fuck are you, anyways
only chance George.
only chance, George.
You pussied out this
out of this?
bravery eh?
bravery, eh?
dream for me would you?
dream for me, would you?
do I have.
do I have?
sure about this George?
sure about this, George?
like you Esmée.
like you, Esmée.
Exploration Log [28/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A16:
know why though.
know why, though.
RPC like mister?
RPC like, mister?
Camille, sir down
Camille, sir, down
[ Scythe striking through ]
Through what?
“Die Hexenkönigin ist hier.”
YEAH, something like this from what I said earlier when Gehnich first showed up, make his text red or something.
RPC-XXX-2: I-I s-see. See I see—
As I said, his dialogue would be a lot more grimmer if it was red (or maybe yellow idk) and in German.
Exploration Log [29/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A17:
RPC-XXX-2 sits on a bench with RPC-XXX-3(?)
RPC-XXX-2? Don't you mean -1?
Oh boy oh boy things are getting tense and grim here on the plot
Exploration Log [29/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A18:
Betting on Genich either being her dad or a random German soldier that tried to get her out of the conflict zone after an air raid.
Exploration Log [30/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A19:
Don't mistake us George
Don't mistake us, George
baseline I think it’s called?
"baseline", I think it’s called?
Cheers to that I say.
Cheers to that, I say.
to be anyways?
to be, anyways?
dead though right?
dead though, right?
Good luck George.
Good luck, George.
Exploration Log [31/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A20:
talking about George?
talking about, George?
Exploration Log [31/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A21:
On God I can't this tension.
Exploration Log [31/03/20] XXX-ALTR-A22:
Beautiful final scene, although a biiiit quick imo, but not by much. I just think a little more action by Gehnich at the end sequence would've made it flow way better.
CSD-6868 shortly expired only 3 hours after returning to the baseline reality.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Literally lost his life for the hoe that tried to kill him 4 times. I am so heartbroken rn.
-
Open RPC-XXX (Current)
Containment Protocols:
ALTR be as discrete as possible to avoid suspicion.
are to be
Description:
RPC-XXX is a cross-dimensional rift situated in the disarranged cadaver of 34-year-old George
Ah man, here we go again. Most of the issues here methink will be pretty much the sames as with the current document, so look out for that.
Depending on its mass, living organic compounds that are submerged within the bubble for a period of 30-45 minutes are broken down and reconstructed into memotic quanta within the info-plane.
Now this makes a bit more sense than before.
RPC-XXX-2 is an abnormal infodemon concentrated on a single consciousness.
Same as before, I think making up your own new thing is better
The entity takes on the appearance of a 24-years-old French woman by the name of "Camille Jean Carina"
OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!
It is characterized inevitable recession
by the? inevitable?
RPC-XXX-1 is sapient and docile.
Why the aggression hazard, then?
collective consciousness ALTR's previous quanta.
of ALTR's?
but are known to take on the form of RPC-XXX's previous vessels such as 11-years-old British student "Camille █████",
AUGH GAWD
Addendum-XXX-A: Previous ALTR Model:
too y'know.
too, y'know.
RPC-XXX-1: … Goodbye.
[ Bell ringing ]
Uhhhhhh, ominous.
Final Thoughts:
They say you often have more thing to say when you don't like something than when you do, and despite this crit being 3.2k, most of it was just grammar. Because, well, I really, really, really, like it. The ending was bit bittersweet, sure, but not in the normal sense of it being a letdown. The ending was great and it was the one that served it right. The images and scenes in the logs were just incredible, the characters were incredibly made and even if I had to stop every sentence to correct a missing comma, it never bored me, at all. I was in my toes till the end.
Only thing I can complain about was at the start with the terminology and whatnot, but that's easily fixable, the rest was a solid 10/10. Very nice indie JRPG script :))
All this goes to show why I think you're one of the best authors on the site, I think. This should be more than enough crit to post, because you're gonna die before getting someone else to do a full crit. I await the posting of this article!
Good luck!!!
she's been treasured in the eternal arms of the sovereign angels above.
The nitpickiest of nitpicks but change "she" to "she has", it feels more in line with the tone
CSD-6868: What happened to her?
RPC-929-1: Are you sure you want to know what happened to her?
CSD-6868: I guess?
RPC-929-1: Are you really really sure?
which her is this referring to? kinda confused here
RPC-929-1: … Whenever I see one I feel like vomiting. And when I saw the red dress—
should be "see it" i think, since you're referring to "seeing blood"
They know the way out, follow their laughter and you may find your way out.
change it a bit to stop repetition.
CSD-6868 tries to his meal, trying to ignore the knocking.
"tries to his meal"?
PoI-929A: Hmph… I'm reliefed.
relieved, it should be
These stuff are expensive I'm pretty sure, wouldn't want Gehnich to constantly destroy every new one they send ey?
"These stuff"
"These things"
RPC-929-1 and CSD-6868 quickly diffuses the cannons.
Diffuse, singular
RPC-929-2 slashes PoI-929A's fingers and RPC-929-2's sides.
he slashes himself?
RPC-929-3 pours CSD-6868 tea and offers him pastry
Should be "a pastry" i think
keep playing make-belief like a little kid
should be "make-believe"
radiates a hazardous fluctuation calculated to be around ±0.58 ACS
well, if you're saying it radiates a fluctuation, maybe start by saying what it's fluctulating around; like: 1±0.58 ACS or something
RPC-929-3 is a collective consciousness RPC-929's previous quanta.
confusing
Information that are destroyed or forgotten are absorbed into this entity and distorted.
are => is
such as11-years-old British student "Camille █████", who parook the role of RPC-929-1 from 1940-2019.
change to
such as the 11 year old British student "Camille █████", who inhabited the role of RPC-929-1 from 1940 to 2019.
During Camille █████'s incarnation as RPC-929-1, only two humans were confirmed to have been transported to ALTR-929. Those people being Esmée Carina (PoI-929A) and George █████ (CSD-6868).
easy rewrite
During Camille █████'s incarnation as RPC-929-1, only two humans were confirmed to have been transported to ALTR-929, being Esmée Carina (PoI-929A) and George █████ (CSD-6868).
Conclusion: when this article's done, I think it could be a classic. Unfortunately, you chose to work with French people.
/forum/t-14676778/csd-6868-in-wonderland#post-