the Authority is working in collaboration with Destacamento Contranatural
I'd add a footnote here explaining the Destacamento Contranatural
the topic of Grovian Groves Radiation
I'd also add a crosslink to 632 here instead of the one much later
Due to the recent decrease in the XXX population due to the Primacy’s extermination efforts against the entities
I would use the term AEP instead of Primacy, my first thought was that you were referring to the Auctoritas or Vatican
The ‘Ciguapa Natural Preserve’ has been established by both organizations on the islands of [DATA EXPUNGED].
This is admittedly splitting hairs but REDACTED would make more sense, since you're just hiding the information, not destroying it.
the majority of the species' population
XXX has no reproductive or respiratory system. Instead, XXX appears to reproduce through thaumaturgic and ritualistic means. XXX's skin appears to reflect no light.
I'd mention the fact that they have no respiratory system along with their skin being non-reflective so the information about the reproductive system is more concise and together.
When a subject views XXX, they will perceive the entity as a beautiful woman. The perception of the woman will change depending on a subject’s preferences, but all subjects will report to feel comfort at the sight of XXX instances
Like earlier, I think moving the final sentence to the front would flow better. Something like "The memetic effect causes affected individuals to feel comfortable with XXX instances, so on and so forth"
When an organism is within reach of a XXX entity, the entity will attempt to terminate the organism. This is usually done with handcrafted tools such as makeshift spears and daggers.
I feel like this should be expanded upon. Is this unique to humans? or does it apply to any animals? In that case, do they also percieve XXX as a mate? I'd also ecpand upon what tools they use, you even mentioned that they use potions in the letter later, I feel like thats a good piece of information to bring up here.
XXX are communal creatures that usually inhabit abandoned buildings or caverns. XXX instances build makeshift homes within these locations to protect themselves from the elements. Although XXX are communal entities, XXX instances tend to be solitary hunters.
I also feel like this could be expanded a bit, won't go into explicit details, but more information on an XXX abode would prove useful.
XXX instances appear to speak a unified language known as ‘Lashu’. The Authority currently utilizes a program designated C-Conver to translate XXX’s language. Lashu appears to carry some form of memetic calming agent which allows XXX instances to lull their prey into a false sense of security.
This part feels kind of pointless. Lashu doesn't have much relevance throughout the reest of the story, and the C-Conver honestly has too much lore implications for it to just get namedropped with no setup. Finally, the memetic effect is kinda pointless, since their camouflage has the same effect. I would just change the sigils to be of an unknown language.
They will achieve this by using a variety of incapacitating chemicals.
Again, I don't think they really need any incapacitating chemicals, their body radiates an image of "comforting and beautiful woman." I'd also specify what they use. Maybe since they're trying to grab a lot of guys they don't really care and just throw a cannonball tree fruit at their head.
Analysis of XXX’s blood reveals a bio-sulfuric makeup
I'd just cut this line. doesn't really add much to the article.
Once the fetal XXX exits its host, it and surrounding XXX instances will consume the host. The fetal instance will reach full maturity within 10 days of being birthed. XXX instances will usually grow to a maximum height of 2.5 - 2.8 meters.
I'd put the first two sentences in the Phase 5 box, and I'd put the last line back up at the begining of the description.
The inquisitors assumptions appeared to have held merit as the methods of combating and containing the entities were effective.
I would make sure to mention that he is incorrect about what he's thinking (at least according to the Authority)
They are not too dissimilar for to that of the Succubi of Europe
The Ciguapas are not a dull beast of hell, they are cunning and, if I may be plain, equal to man in their intelligence.
I'd shorten the second part so it's just "If I may be plain, they are just as cunning as a man in their intelligence"
but appear to utilize said captured for experimental and reproductive purposes.
I was under the impression from the earlier information that captured humans and humans that are eaten were seperate in how they are taken. (I mean they get eaten in the end anways but that's besides the point)
He would remain in Hispañola for 21 years. The Inquisitor would be killed during a XXX raid on a local monastery.
would consolidate this into on sentence, instead of going "for 21 years. The inquisitor" just go "for 21 years, until he was killed"
She must be at least 100 paces from any church to perform her miracles.
wouldn't it be less than 100 paces?
The marked demons were created to combat against us.
I would say that they began appearing after the Auctoritas arrived in addition to your statement about them being created to combat the Auctority
The Daughter is unique among here kind as she is believed to be the first Zane oldest Ciguapa.
confused as to what this means
The Daughter is believed to have united various tribes of Ciguapas
Auctoritas documents suggest that the Daughter felled eliminated many Auctoritas soldiers
The conflict culmulated with the agreement between the two organizations
Overall I like this article a decent bit, the actual anomaly is interesting, and uses actual caribbean folklore well. The actual story of the article was well done also, with the implication that the Authority may actually be conserving a group of literal demon children. I just think that the description needs some expansion, and while I didn't mention it in the larger critique I think you should consolidate a lot of your paragraphs into larger ones.
- What is "ritual carving"? These are conprocs, be specific.
- Refer to the thing with the RPC prefix, not just by its number.
- Limbs bound with what? Chained with what? They're to be fed what? Be more specific, or this is an article about tying people up in bondage gear, chaining them with paper garlands and force-feeding them horse semen twice a day.
- what is a chemical concoction. What is NO-13. Be specific. Be detailed.
- "Caribbean" is a proper noun.
- Okay, explain to me what "reflects no light" means. 'cause, theoretically, that could mean these things just look like total black bodies, or they're invisible? Does that apply to visual light? Do they absorb 100% of light that touches them? Doesn't that mean they're constantly scorchingly hot in any kind of direct UV or IR light?
- If these backwards-feet carribean vampires are terrified of a specific breed of dog, why does their containment not reflect that? Surely having a couple friendly dogs on the site would help a ton with keeping them pacified.
- "not too dissimilar for to that of the Succubi " try reading this phrase out loud without it sounding clunky. Try it.
- "the locals and the Indian" aren't those the same things?
- All of your 16th century documents feel waaaaaaaay too organized. People weren't using organizational tables and shit back then. Remember that the Auctoritas records things in telling stories about them, not in scientific documentation.
- What the heck is a "blant cannon"??
- I don't think the list of anomalia used/items captured adds much, if I'm being honest. You could cut it to a brief summary and still imply the kind of story you're trying to tell.
- I can tell you wrote a lot of this in one sitting 'cause the number of typos and grammar issues increases the further you get in. Keep proofreading.
- I'm a little unclear why the Authority is working to preserve a species of aggressive, highly intelligent and organized vampires with the ability to create their own anomalous weapons and tools. Also, if these things are intelligent and organized, how do they feel about the Authority trying to un-genocide them?
I think you have some cool stuff here and I agree rooting it in Carribean folklore is super cool, but as it is it's a little too long and doesn't answer some fairly obvious questions.