oh this is a pretty cute article dude! i like it :) i do have a few comments tho
the image
that image is huge dude! probably make it a bit smaller so it doesnt stick out as much bc rn its sort of distracting from everything else?
Hazard Types
bro you wrote out hazard types twice there 👿
The operation has successfully reduced RPC-XXX occurrences around the area, however the possibility of other RPC-XXX manifestations in surrounding coastal areas have not been ruled out
Hmm! This may be a little nitpicky but this isn't DIRECTLY related to containment procedures. You're describing the anomaly here, and I think you should cut/shorten this bit b/c conprocs should probably be just procedures, right?
RPC-XXX appears as a young adult male human of Hispanic decent
them being a young adult male of hispanic descent sort of implies theyre a human, right? but even then, are they human..? might be best to cut that word out bro!
an apparent penchant for wearing colorful Hawaiian pattern shirts
THIS ISN'T FANFICTION mostly!! just say he wears tropical button-up shirts dude…
as 'handsome, quirky and a very likeable personality'
as 'handsome and quirky with a very likable personality'
and handshakes, that latter of which seems to be a very insistent action for RPC-XXX to make.
…and handshakes, which RPC-XXX performs insistently.
It's been hypothesised that this chemical substance induces some form of mild hallucinogenic, that seems to full the apparent admiration and affection towards RPC-XXX during conversation
The chemical substance is hypothesized to be a mild hallucinogen that enhances the charisma (?) of RPC-XXX toward conversants.
overall a cool article man!! i like it… just has a lot of rough edges 😅
Some thoughts:
- The image really leaps off the page in this one, which makes me obligated to ask; is it creative commons? Are you sure? Do you have permission/full attribution? Double-check. Pictures of people are tough.
- "Survivors have described the anomalous humanoid as 'handsome, quirky and a very likeable personality'" I would say it has a likeable personality. Not that is is a personality.
- "tourguide" is two words.
- I see what you're doing with speculation, but there's some tonal issues. How do you "heavily speculate"?
- Careful about contractions and referring to a humanoid anomaly as "him"
- Wait, if the authority has security cameras on the boats, they don't need reports of subjects acting strangely. They can just see it in the footage, and confirm that the effects are caused by touch, no?
- Honestly, the entity just disappearing after killing people/stealing stuff doesn't feel… that anomalous, I guess? Like, what's stopping this from being a very skilled con artist/criminal/computer hacker with government contacts just poisoning people?
- I think the whole "anomalous deletion of digital records" thing should be explored more in the conprocs and description. That implies a fairly serious level of power and threat to the Authority and the US government, on top of the whole serial murders thing.
This isn't terribly written, but I feel like it's missing a little oomph in the content. Didn't grab me. Also, I assume this is "Greed" in a series about seven deadly sins-themed PoIs?
Hey, thanks for the review.
Yeah, this originally going to be a series, but then I found out that others had had similar ideas with Sin-themed anomalies, so on Discord we ended up collaborating to make a connected event. So soon this draft is going to be entirely rewritten.
But I'm glad you liked the idea so far. Originally this was just going to be a super-efficient killer character, but I kinda reworked it into an 'anomaly', and I think it shows, lol.
Did a google doc crit of three of yer drafts, and as proof, here's the shit I said in DMs. Should count.
Okay: Please, if you could, do a spell check or reread your work. There are so many little spelling errors I've caught in all three drafts it become the largest reason this crit has taken so long. I started yesterday and am only now working on Hero of Justice's spag errors. I'm not saying you didn't try, but I feel like rereading a lot of what you write to yourself could catch 90% of what's wrong, which is beneficial to you cause that means critters can get more to the meat of your creations. Second off, please check for odd breaks, it's very annoying that paragraphs either go on for too long or our halved inexplicably. I get these are sandbox drafts but it really messes with the flow. Furthermore, periods are always nested WITHIN the quote "I hate apples." Not "I hate apples". The same goes for commas or footnotes.
The only story I got to was the Toad article and will be honest, I one-starred, cause no matter how good everything lead up to it, doing nothing with the concept does not help you. Please not, however, that just because there is a lot to be thorough about doesn't mean you're either a bad writer or that the piece is unsalvagable or will take a ground-up-rework necessarily. Your anomalies have a lotta little flaws that don't change the overall product that much wholistically, and like, two major flaws that taint everything well up that point. I see a lot of potential in your style.