Crit: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-15402708/grp-054-dream-aliens
Co-authored with Mr Makor.
Drawing by ShibaMcDoby.
GRP-010 - "Dream Aliens" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page GRP-010 - "Dream Aliens".
There's not really much to say. It's okay. I would be more willing to rate higher if the ending had more of an impact and some development and if the article wasn't jankily formatted to hell and back. I think this one could use some time in the oven.
The problem is less that I think it's badly written and more that I think there's barely anything there: It's not the article's construction, but lack of investment. If three is good, then two fair. It felt harmless. The central core of the article feels bare and I'm not emotionally invested in anything here cause I've seen these elements in stories before. I think this could do with some more time in the oven.
The idea of Parasomnoids is really cool and has a lot of potential for creative exploration. Unfortunately, I did not feel the article in its current state did a sufficient job presenting them in an entertaining way. I'll go through each section and explain what I felt worked or could be improved upon.
First, I felt the Lesser Anomalous Object background didn't really contribute much to the article. I don't see why that information couldn't be included in the discovery section. I think the intent was to set up the Parasomnoid's existence as a mystery until the GRPC file reveal. The problem though is the mystery doesn't doesn't change any perceptions about what was happening, the dreams still basically have an anomalous origin.
I think the Incidents section could be improved by showing how the Parasomnoids use the fears of the people in their dreams to manipulate them into their control. Incident #125 illustrated this point exceptionally well. #6251 did this as well, although I felt it was too vague on the backstory of the childhood friend. Incident #45 and Incident #1 lack these dynamics and I think adding that would improve both of them.
I wasn't a fan of GD-FRONT message. I'm not sure if that's how Karzians are supposed to come across in their tone, but the message is very robotic. I don't think it really contributes anything at all to the article. I also wasn't a fan of the dialogue in Addendum 4. Again, this may be how the Karzians communicate, but it's very melodramatic. People don't talk like this.
The Battle of Alfirks needs some more context for me to understand a couple of points. For instance, I have no idea who Dr. William Wilbury is, or why his death is significant at all, nor why there is a random neutron bomb under the city. I get this basically represents the Parasomnoids "razing their lands" in a retreat to spite the enemy, but this idea needs some more development.
My suggestion would be to focus on the mysterious nature of the dreams as the GRPC experiences them. Have them start to see some patterns in the dreams, and then have the Psy Corp reveal the existence of the Parasomnoids. You could then highlight how horrifying the dreams have become now that the Parasomnoids aren't just trying to control people, but psychologically damage them to slow down the GRPC.
It could be interesting if the nuke was detonated by the possessed Dr. Williamson as he was speaking to GD-Front. Make the dialogue more punchy; it should feel like this Parasomnoid wants to mind-break GD-Front. Go into the traumatic backstory, have the Parasomnoid go after those sensitive points. The last line of dialogue could then be the radiation spike, and GD-Front breaking down over that.
LO-010 is the designation given to a series of anomalous events
Wouldn't this be classified as an Anomalous Event (AE-010) or Lesser Anomalous Location (LA-010), not a Lesser Anomalous Object (LO-010)? LO-010 also seems like a very low slot to register a new anomaly.
phycological
"psychological" unless you really mean they had problems with understanding seaweed.
LO-010 events had also affected the resting places of diplomats and Rangers in orbit around the planet were converted to LO-010 locations.
I don't understand what this sentence is saying.
violently ripped off
I don't get the context of this in the incident. He got violently scammed?
compelling Cpt. Reinhart plunged his airship down into the toxic clouds.
"compelling Cpt. Reinhart to plunge his airship down into the toxic clouds. "
The dream continued to subject Ms. Pterión to faulty or fabricated memories until a Psy Corps4 member awoke her.
The Parasomnoid is subjecting her to these memories, not the dream itself. "Ms. Pterión continued to be subjected to falsified or fabricated memories while in her dream state until she was awaken by a Psy Corps member."
the GRPC
Anyone specific in the GRPC?
GRP-010's true nature
Unnecessary description. One would already assume the GRPC file will explain what the anomaly actually is, not just what it appears to be.
Good luck,
Rangers.
"Good luck, Rangers." and then end with "GD-FRONT"
200*
199*
There's asterisks here but there's never an explanation given.
the influence as
"the influence of"
battle of Alfirks
"Battle of Alfirks"
Unfortunately, a neutron bomb buried under the site took out Dr. William, along with 1/3rd the population of the Alfirkinian's planetary capital.
Suggestion: "Unfortunately, a neutron bomb buried beneath the site was detonated, causing the death of Dr. William and one-third of the inhabitants of the Alfirkinian's planetary city. "
I have to agree with Sovereign on this one. The initial report, while adding a nice background that fits the anomaly, doesn't really add much to the article. all of the dreams presented don't really have much in common, nor do they fit with the Parasomnoids' MO. I think maybe if you focused on their skin being ripped off in every dream instead of just the first or being trapped within their own bodies (sort of like the slow-burn sloth) that would foreshadow their actual goals. As it is currently, it's just 4 bad dreams.
I do like the Parasomnoids, the idea behind them is interesting and as a threatening anomaly, they're pretty unique. I do think that the extent of their power doesn't really make sense though. If they can use your dreams to enter your body, then how come they really only had influence in certain areas of the galaxy? How come nobody knew about these guys beforehand? Their motivations for causing a civil war and gaining power are also pretty much non-existent. They want to take over humanity and cause all this strife, because… why not? I mean that would certainly be a more interesting discussion topic than the bargain bin Flash Gordon discussion we get.
I think the whole article really just falls apart during the whole civil war section. It would be much more interesting to see this play out as a sort of Body Snatchers situation rather than them just deciding to show themselves randomly after patiently plotting all this time.
The final bit of dialogue… I think you should just cut it entirely. It's definitely not the worst dialogue on the site, (that probably goes to 414) but it isn't getting any awards anytime either. The Parasomnoid isn't threatening at all, and GD-Front's lines sound like they should be coming out of an action figure.
I was asked to read this by the author when it was still undergoing crit. I'm a bit late, but hey, surprises are nice.
I feel like this article goes far too quickly. It has fun concepts that I'm sure could have made for good stories, but so much of it happens in the background. The Parasomnoids terrorizing the Afirkianians is pretty much only implied when it could've been a significant source of drama.
Their influence on humanity gets even less attention. I'm honestly surprised there was nothing about, say, someone trying to stay awake against the Parasomnoids and eventually succumbing to hallucinations.
What action the article does have occurs, no pun intended, practically overnight. They have one big attack that boils down to any other stereotypical sci-fi war. Real analysis about the horror of fighting the bodies of one's own allies can find work elsewhere.
I can pass cheesy dialogue given the setting, but there's not much real emotion in the final log, which drags it down significantly. Most of its effect is removed by the weird structure, anyway; the tragedy is told in brief terms, and only then is the log that happened before it shown. What gives?
There's a lot of unused potential that makes the Parasomnoids more interesting as a species than their article is as a story. The Parasomnoids are cool, but their article is a bit out of whack. 3/5
AE-010 is the designation given to a series of anomalous events located within the Nebula Sh2-136, and seems to be expanding into Caldwell 4.
The second clause does not fit into the sentence. "AE-010 is the designation given to a series of anomalous events seems to be expanding into Caldwell 4"?
I also advise against using the phrase "is the designation given to" when the word "is" would suffice, though ultimately I leave it up to the author's discretion if it suits the tone.
AE-010 events manifest once an individual, alien or otherwise capable of dreaming, sleeps in a location more than once.
I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if the sentence is missing something. Are humans not capable of dreaming? The phrase "alien or otherwise capable of dreaming" suggests that. If it's supposed to be a list of three items, "otherwise capable of dreaming" isn't a subject.
When a subject enters a state of deep sleep in a AE-010 location, the individual is guaranteed to have a nightmare.
The second half of this sentence lacks clinicality in the words "guaranteed" and "nightmare". It's a rather sloppy ending to the description and feels conspiciously devoid of detail.
The effects of AE-010 were first made aware to the GRPC
This is backwards; the phrasing states that AE-010 found out about the GRPC, not the other way around as intended.
GRP-010 is the collective designation given to a species of highly-invasive, sapient, extra-dimensional aliens coquille referred to as "Parasomnoids".
"Is the collective designation given to" is another phrase that I would like to point out could be easily substituted by "is".
Also, the footnote here (#5) is a bit self-explanatory and detracts from the mood in my opinion.
The GRP-010 species
If GRP-010 is a species, it doesn't need to be referred to as "The GRP-010 species".
omnambulism
This isn't an issue per se, but I feel like there was missed potential with the use of this word and footnote #6 in particular. One of the fun things about clinical tone is how obscure words like "omnambulism" can be used to create a kind of distance to the reader. It's disappointing for there to be a footnote directly after it, saying "psst, it means this". I understand the writer wanted to make the anomaly's function clear, but it could've been revealed in a more interesting way.
Those under the ambient control of an instance of GRP-010 are designated as GRP-010-A.
Another "designation" instance.
most instances of GRP-010 have targeted homo-sapien hosts due to their complex system of emotions and lack of psychic defenses.
Why "homo-sapien"? Scientific names have pretty specific formatting and that's not what it looks like. I don't think that "Homo sapiens" can be made singular by dropping the S either. Does just "human" not work here?
GRP-010 made itself aware to the GT
Again, this sentence has GRP-010 being aware of the GT, not vice versa. It "made itself aware"?
These Parasomnoids have waited patiently and planned methodically.
Weren't they just discovered? It seems weird that they already have a name.
Be wary, for they wear the faces of your loved ones and will whisper painful lies into your warry ears.
Typo: "warry".
-> …Minimize Updated Doccument
I don't normally comment on collapsible design, but the fact that this dramatic article leaves off with a collapsible close button is kind of laughable. And one with a typo ("Doccument"), no less.
Damn why is this article being slammed? It's pretty good. Maybe it looked worse in the past but I think the main "problem" is that the language is kinda edgy and overdramatic but since GRPC is supposed to be pulpy I don't mind it. The idea of an army of sleepwalkers is pretty cool, so you should expand on that- how are the sleepwalkers able to fight? Are the parasomnoids able to see even while the host is asleep? Stuff like that would be cool.
There is an idea worth exploring here about mind control, but it quickly short-circuited into blowing up millions without much else. And to add for something so dangerous and actively hostile the containment protocols are terribly lackluster. I'm not necessarily asking for some anti-memtic device to help prevent infection, but a simple find and wake is not an effective enough protocol for dream hopping mind control agents.
Speaking of lackluster, the dialogue delivers what's fundamentally the height of the story, but it's written in such juvenile tone I can't help but snicker as millions are blown up afterwards. More importantly:
Unfortunately, a neutron bomb buried beneath the site was detonated, causing the death of Dr. Wilbury and one-third of the inhabitants of the Alfirkinian's planetary city.
What prefaces it only adds to the hilarity. As we're presented with an otherwise atroctious situation in the most nonchalant way I can't shake off. It doesn't help either that they speak like action figures.
It isn't a bad idea, story nor even sketch, but the execution leaves a lot to desire.
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