RPC-845 "A Polish Cow"
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/the-generic-doctor
My first attempt at making an RPC
RPC-845 "A Polish Cow"
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» RPC-845 "A Polish Cow"
Looks nice, here's a few comments I have for it
1. "Are you absolutely sure about this, doc? I mean, we seen already what happens when anyone gets close to those cows. I don't think I'll change here." I may be interpreting it wrong, but shouldn't it be "it'll change here"
2. "powerful punch toDr. G█████'s jaw" - no spacebar
3. "It grabs and cFfies" - yeah you get it
4. Now for more actual critique - what's the deal with RPC-845-3? I get who he is but his character feels a bit empty, he just appears and that's that. Is he always in the house? Is he a person? This we can *try* to get an answer to unlike with -2
5. The idea that "A raid at the farm was considered but denied" seems weird, you don't even have to add the raid, just that "it's planned" or something, to even try to get an answer (research) on what happened from -3
6. "Following a period of no activity at RPC-845, a team was dispatched to the desolate farm to investigate" what does that mean? Did RPC-845-2 stop appearing when an instance of RPC-845-1 died? Or did they all disappear at once? The wording seems unclear. The later video log implies they got "sold", so the second possibility, but how exactly? Elaborate on this
7. I'm unsure about the alpha-white classification. White implies no chance of lethality, yet -3 is very much lethal, it should stay alpha-yellow
8. "RPC-845-3 fired at the team making them retreat. A raid at the farm was considered but denied. Instance of RPC-845-1 and RPC-845-2 are still missing." I feel like this should be in the video log, also it should say open video log not open video in my opinion. Open video implies there's a video there, not just a log of it.
9. Are they speaking English in Poland? I get with the Authority agents but -2 and -3? I get it's obvious it's a translation but it should be stated the original was in Polish (or Kaszub if you're feeling frisky)
10. -2 can overpower anyone? Now that's interesting, you should mention some of these "Forty-six failed attempts" (which seems like a high number tbh, I'd lower it), maybe not as seperate adenda if you want to keep it short, but even as a note about -2 smashing a guy in some ultra-protective-mega-suit. I'd also add that if one person after being assaulted touches a cow again, -2 gets way more pissed and the assault is more brutal
Generally, pretty cool, love me some Polish RPCs, but a bit "shallow", I find the lack of elaboration on -3 especially wasteful
Thank you, I'll fix it right away.
I think you have gotten the general story of the article down, but it lacks depth. In this sense, once the reader has gotten through all text, the experience with the article is finished. Resulting in a forgettable read. I think you should add some detail to spice up your article. You have traces of seasoning, but the dish is still fairly plain.
I’ll try to explain this better: When a friend recommends a piece of media, I usually ask what it is about. Now imagine they recommend this page, what would the answer to my question be? Unless I get something more interesting than “guy defends his cow farm very well”, I’d be very unlikely to read it. There has to be more. “It's very funny/dramatic/epic/sad and handles themes of family/loss/greed in an innovative/interesting/well-written way… I appreciate the author's dramaturgy…”. Your article currently has very little extra upon the bare minimum. In order to elevate it to something more memorable, and something you as a writer can grow from, you should explore in which ways you can make this a more stand out piece of media.
I’ll give you a couple questions in case you’d appreciate a bit of help in where to go from here:
Is there a mother? Why does the father care about the cows so much? Profit? Personal attachment? What’s the history of the farm? Where was the son? What’s the relationship between the family beyond that they saw each other very little? These are all things you can question yourself and find ways to incorporate them in the article to increase its enjoyment value.
The first video log is lacking, in that it gives the reader nothing new. The anomaly acts exactly as expected, and nothing of value about characters, backgrounds or themes is given. It is simply a regurgitation of the description in another format. I suggest you replace it with something that can set up a deeper component of the article, which gets paid off or elaborated upon in the second addendum. (Which is way better by the way, but could still use a bit of extra to finish of the article well.
‘Regarding the containment classification, the Authority would not change that to neutralized before conducting an investigation and being sure about it. They would not forget to check a big piece of the anomaly before changing the rating. Additionally, after they do find the son and realize that all anomalous properties have seized, then they would change it to neutralized, not back to alpha-yellow.
The redaction in the addendums are goofy. If they’re supposed to in-universe keep something secret, why would the first letter be revealed, giving a “clue”?
its nearby areas is to be monitored
"its nearby areas are to be monitored"
Due to its limited range and predictability, only a perimeter fence extending 50 meters across the original farmland's boundaries is needed.
"A perimeter fence extending 50 meters is placed actress the farmland's original boundaries."
If personnel attempts to
"If personnel attempt to"
RPC-845 was an anomalous phenomenon on a desolate farm on the outskirts of
"Desolate" feels to nonclinical. I'd try some other wording.
RPC-845-1 instance, an identical replacement will appear being carried by RPC-845-2 before being released to join the herd within 24 hours within the original farmland.
"RPC-845-1 instance, an identical replacement will appear being carried by RPC-845-2 before being released to join the herd within 24 hours."
RPC-845-2 was a male humanoid
The rest of the paragraph is in present tense, despite the effect also being "dead".
RPC-845-2 will then assault the individual and will always overpower them regardless of any factors.
"RPC-845-2 will hinder further interference with RPC-845-1 by using physical force. All attempts to overpower RPC-845-2 have failed."
For instance, during a test, Agent K████, wearing a heavy, experimental protective suit, attempted to touch an RPC-845-1 instance. RPC-845-2 manifested and, despite the suit's resistance, managed to physically overpower and severely injure the Agent, including breaking his arm and dislocating his shoulder, before the Agent could retreat. Despite this, RPC-845-2 was able to breach the suit and severely injure the operative.
This example messes with the flow when in the middle of the description. I'm unsure if it's necessary in the first place. I'd recommend at least relocating it.
If an individual who has already been assaulted by RPC-845-2 touches an RPC-845-1 instance again, RPC-845-2 will react with increased hostility, leading to more severe injuries.
"Repeated contact with RPC-845-1 by the same subject results in escalating levels of violence."
RPC-845-2 does not react to any interaction unless an individual contacts RPC-845-1 (See Addendum 845.01).
"RPC-845 has not interacted with Authority personnel outside of RPC-845-1 contact."
RPC-845-3 is a male humanoid of Slavic descent, age approximately 30 years of age
"RPC-845-3 is a male humanoid of Slavic descent, approximately 30 years of age"
It has identified itself as the child of RPC-845-2. It is unknown if RPC-845-3 is being truthful or not since no DNA test could be conducted on the two.
"It has identified itself as the child of RPC-845-2, a claim that has yet to be verified."
No anomalous properties are detectable in RPC-845-3.
"No anomalous properties have been detected concerning RPC-845-3."
It primarily resides within the farmhouse on the property and rarely ventures outside.
"It primarily resides within the farmhouse on the property and rarely exits."
I mean, we've seen already what
"I mean, we've already seen what"
Beside, I'm an expert at this.
"Besides, I'm an expert."
if you dont mind
"if you don't mind"
An off screen guard leads an RPC-845-1 instance to leaves the premise
"An guard leads an RPC-845-1 instance to leave the premise"
We are conducting a, uh, a survey of the area
Why is he unsure? I'd assume he was prepared, and nothing unexpected happened.
RPC-845-2 reached the farm
"RPC-845-2 reaches the farm"
Following a period of no activity at RPC-845, where instances
"Following a period of no activity at RPC-845, when instances"
RPC-845-1 ceased to be replaced upon death and RPC-845-2 stopped manifesting
"RPC-845-1 ceased to remanifest upon death and RPC-845-2 was absent"
a team was dispatched to the desolate farm to investigate
waste of your time. Seems pretty cut and dry,
"waste of your time. Pretty cut and dry,"
probably they are trying to give you something to do before they fire you.
"probably trying to keep you occupied before firing you."
You know, it's kinda funny… how the guys on the initial search completely skipped this place. I mean, the house.
This is portraying the Authority in a really bad light. I'd assume they'd do a full investigation before changing the rating, at least.
2. This claim is considered to be false since no assigned personnel have recognized it.
"2. This claim is considered to be false."
/forum/t-17019009/rpc-845-a-polish-cow#post-