Reworked MI13 hub
Link to the page: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/british-hub
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Reworked MI13 hub
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» Reworked MI13 hub
Summary:
Finally, the main part of the MI13 rework is here.
I don't have much in terms of critiques, both of which are minor, one is more specific while the other is more general.
My specific crit is in regards to small phrasing quirk, I didn't catch any egregious grammatical errors, but there was one line of phrasing in the UNAAC overview in that felt a little awkward.
"… the United Nations Anomalous Activities Committee is the Spartans of international security."
I would just replace 'is' with 'are' I feel like that flows a little better.
My more general crit is one I don't have an exact solution for, as I'm not privy to the subtle nuances of British english, but there could be certain word choices that don't align well with what's typically used in that region. Using the UNAAC entry again as an example-
"…any United Nations initiative that promotes normalcy and peace across the globe…"
From what I understand the more formal word that would be used is 'normality' instead of 'normalcy'. It's a very minor thing, I didn't notice any other words or phasing that stood out, and like I said I'm not an expert on these specifics. I doubt that a majority of the people reading would notice, if any at all, but I thought it might be worth mentioning depending on how "authentic" you want it to sound.
Aside from those two things that detract very little, this is a wonderful revamp of what Pierson originally proposed, MI13 feels really fleshed out in a way that doesn't feel cumbersome or needlessly expository. It was all very digestible, not overwhelming with information, and I attribute that to how everything is structured with their own tabs. The presentation as a whole I think is wonderful and with how everything is written in this very formal, but polite, and optimistic? (I don't know if that's the right word, but MI13 gives off a very wondrous feel that's very dreamlike.) It stands distinctly to having its own identity as an agency when compared with the cold, indifferent Authority.
I really like MI13 a lot more now because of this rework, prior I never really batted an eye at this AOI, but I feel like now it has a lot more to offer. I hope this becomes recognized as apart of the canon, and that I was able to articulate my minor critiques in a way that'll be helpful.
Great work!
One of my few complaints about MI13 was that outside of the mainlist articles which mention them, they didn't interact with the larger RPC world as much as they logically should. I think this article does an alright job elaborating on that, but there's a tad more that can be done here. I would list specific operations under each AoI/GoI. These could be opportunities for future MI13 to elaborate on the lore you've worked so hard to create.
On that topic: I don't know why the list of front GoIs are in the OoU writer's manual section and not the in-universe list of GoIs. I would also separate the GoIs and AoIs into their own tabs or at least categories on the same tab.
Our mission is to safeguard the United Kingdom and her allies, uphold the lawful practice and cultivation of thaumaturgy, and prevent breaches of the veiled order.
Suggestion: I would add "against the anomalous" after "her allies".
Defending Britain from occult threats beyond her shores. The Dragon of the Fleet leads a formation of supernatural naval assets (anomalous vessels and beasts) that provide offshore confinement and covert intervention overseas.
This is one of the sections I feel could use the most elaboration. What kind of vessels and beasts are we talking about? Entire fleets of ghost ships? Packs of roving armored and armed whales or solitary, battleship-munching krakens? How does MI13 keep such assets veiled? There is so much potential here and while I understand that it can't be realized in only one page, you could still afford to elaborate on what the Nightmare Fleet exactly is.
The Fourth Round Table is the supreme authority of Monarch Security.
We're only supplied with a single sentence on the Round Table. Why are they the fourth? What happened to the previous three? How do they operate? How are their members chosen?
Outside of a few spag errors (and I mean really sparse). This hub is ready for upload. I feel bad for pulling away from RPC, esp. after saying for months I'd get to this. It's fine.
My biggest gripe with the lore, as I've told you, is that there are no examples or world-building in the hub. The offices and structure are just names and fluff unless you embed them into the world with text and examples. That excites readers and immerses authors. I want to hear about what they do and get little snippets about them in the text itself. It's still dry. I wish it was more, then again I wish I was better at getting back to people.
/forum/t-17247789/reworked-mi13-hub#post-