Voiceboxes
Voiceboxes
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Overall there don't seem to be any major issues with grammar or tone, but I also don't find it very interesting or deep. The extra boxes feel pointless. It might be more interesting if you just focus on box 6, and go into more detail about how they use it for suppression and so forth. Overall the big issue is this draft feels a bit rushed, and just kind of vague.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
I get the feeling that there's a lot of tire spinning here. You get the idea by the description, and the addendum is mostly a minor variation that keeps going on for a while. I think what makes it feel this way is that you don't really get a clear idea of what they've been made prisoners for (other than probably being rebels) or what kinds of people they are. 6 warning other people about its own effect is a neat touch but that's about it, and I'm not sure how it's able to talk to others if it's affected by the same communications block.
I'm all for ending articles where they need to, and often earlier than most critics would agree is correct, but right now where it ends feels deflating. Unless I'm missing something, I don't follow why it's much of a reveal that there are more out there aside from shedding a sliver of light as to how this particular method of punishment works. Dunno, I think people so radical for their time they were subjected to voicebox hell might make for interesting characters.
Records pertaining to the acquisition of RPC-XXX-1 through -5 have been lost but it is known to be among the items inherited from the Auctoritas Impertus.
Not sure why you use singular "it" here.
The secondary effect of the items
Not like a lethal flaw or anything but these are two paragraphs in a row that begin with "the second…". Could use changing that.
I don't usually crit these types of articles nor do I write them, but I will try.
The biggest hurdle one needs to overcome with this type of unanswered mystery is to give the reader the impression that if they think about it, they will gain something. In its current state, I think its a cool torture method, but not much more.
The bit with -6 and XA felt like a bit of a tangent. It explains how the boxes were used and how they work, but for what reason? Why do I need to know how they work after seeing them in action, if there isn't something after the explanation to capitalize on me having that knowledge?
And if you're confused about what I just said, I got the impression that -6 and -7 were unused instances. I don't know if that's right.
I don't understand the two groups formatting of the conprots. Isn't just sufficient to say that 1-5 may not be opened simultaneously and 6-7 not while pointing towards someone?
will allow their control to be absolute or trigger some secondary anomalous effect
This is awkward. I suggest rewording it to sound more clinical.
possesses no other senses
missing period.
Although RPC-XXX-6 will speak using the voice of the affected subject, and possesses the subject's memories, it is a wholly separate entity. RPC-XXX-6 is affected by the communications block placed upon the source of its voice.
I don't understand what you mean here. What makes it a different entity? How and why does the Authority declare this interpretation? And is the communications block that people will ignore what it says? Because that is contradicted in the following paragraph when it warns. I'm also assuming -7 wasn't tested, but is just guessed to have the same effect.
/forum/t-17320306/voiceboxes#post-