I like this mainly because it has a relaxing yet eerie tone to it, the idea of relaxing music playing through some dark and disturbing ritual shown on a TV monitor is really interesting to visualise. It also makes me wonder if the GoI thinks that pregnancy is unhealthy and that they think we should not welcome anymore children into our world. I had to give this a 5 star rating.
Hello, this is your friendly neighbourhood Grammer Polise Cheif! Yes, that is an intentional exercise in irony.
Entity review: This RPC entry is thematically well-fitting.
Additionally, RPC-130-1 can randomly self-tune to any TV, although extremely rare. Isn't this effect limited by radius? Because if it isn't, and it can affect ANY random TV I think it'd need to be stressed out loud.
When you say "image", do you mean a static picture or video footage of moving children?
and/or older than 6 months How is this determined?
Writing review: This article suffers from an excessive/improper use of commas and semicolons. A semicolon is meant to be a mix between a full-stop and a comma so it's best used after a certain number of words. I have to say, it gets messier and messier as it goes on.
I will tidy up the article, but I'll be pasting/explaining some examples of changes here.
Any television set is to be kept at least 50 meters away from RPC-130-2, to prevent the same effects manifesting in other televisions (See Incident Log-130-1), but, this is not a guaranteed way of restricting the ability to affect televisions outside of this range.
Sentence is too long, sentences that are too long can wind up mentally stretching readers' minds. If not engaging, sentences that are too long can also wind up becoming babble in the mind. Suggestion is to change ", but," to ". However,"
The anomaly area of possible effect -> The anomaly's
, due to this, -> ; Due to this, (here's a good spot to use a semicolon to break up a longer sentence)
RPC-130-1 is a TV channel, with… | 3 distinct anomalies, labeled | Infants younger than 6 months, | After this process, unnecessary comma, sentences already short as they are.
RPC-130-1 has the ability of "spreading" to nearby TVs, the range of this ability varies randomly as RPC-130-3 instances appear, additionally, RPC-130-1 can randomly self-tune to any TV, although extremely rare. Sentence too long. Break in half at "appear". Semicolon or colon is fine at the first comma point.
The television set; Hereafter referred to as RPC-130, Too short to qualify for a semicolon.
anyone currently pregnant Too informal. Updated for clinical tone.
, including, excessive use of commas.
each time someone suffers from the effects of it, a new child, exactly like the one who disappeared, will appear on RPC-130-2; Repetitive description of previous sentence, try to limit semicolon usage to one per sentence.
a powered RPC-130-2 instance with RPC-130-1 tuned -1 is the TV and -2 is the program, swapped numbers accordingly.
observing the camera. Just asking for brevity: by observing did you mean 'stand still and not touch the device', or were they actively inspecting the camera with their hands?
For Test 2, did the RPC-130-2 remain as static and noise since D-1259 could not perceive it?
A D-Class pushed RPC-130-2 Can you elaborate on this? Did he push the TV over, or push the power button, or pushed a volume knob? You meant -1, right? Because -2 is the programme itself.
Site director was killed Aren't site directors kept very, very far away from all RPCs as a part of security protocol? I'm not sure about this, but at the same time this seems a bit cheesey to me so I've altered it to [REDACTED] for now.
and research was conducted, was revealed that RPC-130 had a relation with it. This sounds very confusing especially since no subsequent tests are displayed in this log.
Isn't this effect limited by radius? Because if it isn't, and it can affect ANY random TV I think it'd need to be stressed out loud.
Spreading to other TVs is limited by radius, but self tuning to any TV randomly ins't.
When you say "image", do you mean a static picture or video footage of moving children?
On the image of the RPC, it was meant to be photo, and I mean a video footage of moving children, gonna change that.
and/or older than 6 months How is this determined?
I had in mind that the Authority had tested it before, so they knew what was the limit age for the RPC to activate it's anomalous effects.
Aside from these, I will change everything you suggested, thanks for the post phase crit.
smdh my head
Hello! I am translating your article, but I have some problems.
Is this a mistake in writing?
Location: RPC-130 Containment Room, Site-14/07/20██
And I'd like to ask what the word "Rsc" means in Incident Log-130-2. thx
I like it I just think it’s silly that they even let pregnant women close to it in the first place it seems a bit irresponsible
There is something I don’t understand:
Why would the Authority continue testing if they are already aware of how this thing operates and what it can cause? It makes no sense and just feels so cheap, but it’s not something that only happens here unfortunately. As for technicalities, the tone needs to be revisited but grammar seems fine. The concept is disturbing and perhaps could be salvaged into something more expansive and of higher quality.
3/5
Marco Marchi B. Mark
The television set (hereafter referred to as RPC-130)
Shouldn't it be "hereafter referred to as RPC-130-2"?
All RPC-130-3 instances appear on RPC-130-2 regardless of the TV where RPC-130-2 is tuned into.
Shouldn't it be "RPC-130-1 is tuned into"? Though that would be kind of awkward. The explanation of what happens to the children is kind of lackluster in general. It felt like it was trying to sound mysterious, but it just ends up being convoluted and dense.
Recovery was made in 14/07/1986 when the town of Athol, Massachusetts reported 11 miscarriages with 9 fatal to the mother; at the same time, 3 newborn infants disappeared.
Just a very awkward sentence.
The test and incident logs are awkwardly formatted. For the former, I think something like this would be ideal (including the block quotes in the actual article):
Date:
Procedure:
Result:
a soundproofed headphone
This doesn't sound right to me.
Test aborted.
lol. (But actually, do you need to say this after the entire test was successfully carried out?)
Besides a few complaints with the writing and tone, I found this article pretty enjoyable. My least favorite part was (if I'm understanding it properly) the cheap attempt at scare with "it can happen to anyone at any time!!!". Not only is that cheap, but shouldn't it warrant at least a Beta containment class?
That being said, I was impressed to see a GoI show up in an article without hogging all the attention. I'm not entirely sure why Malthus would be involved unless some people are capable of surviving the effects, but I'm no expert on any GoI so maybe it's fine. 4/5