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(STILL WIP)
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 25 Nov 2022 22:47
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-210
by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 25 Nov 2022 22:47
televisionisttelevisionist 24 Nov 2022 23:23
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-572

Crit Thread

by televisionisttelevisionist, 24 Nov 2022 23:23

I liked it. I thought it was neat and was able to make me laugh as many times as it made me go, "ouch" under my breath.

Not much to say outside of the spag I gave you in google docs. This should count.

  1. etc. is not clinical, use the full word
  2. you forgot that its ," not ",
  3. The examples list was fine enough
  4. I did like the bit at the end where they mention NuCorp
  5. I found the Gnad Daff inclusion really neat.

3 or a 4. No larger opinion. It's adequate.

Yup, it's been a while, but I'm back.

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/von-pincier

This draft, like many good ideas, came to me in a dream. Thanks to Gismo, Alma, Dattop and DoubleDenial for helping flesh out my basic idea.

DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 24 Nov 2022 18:44
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-4C-J

The reaction this got out of me was an "oh". It isn't really exaggerated, and when it does try to be exaggerated it feels misplaced and awkward (e.g. why is it Omega-Yellow?). The only joke that gets full commitment is the gag of putting something that isn't an anomaly into the RPC format, and I think RPC-8964-J did that better.

3/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 24 Nov 2022 18:44

My years of lurking have paid off, and I am now officially the best author on this site

we-ballin.gif

by the way please read my draft

Wasn't it down for like twenty minutes? I think I remember that

Re: WIKIDOT IS BACK by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 24 Nov 2022 17:40
televisionisttelevisionist 24 Nov 2022 08:08
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-319

Crit Thread

by televisionisttelevisionist, 24 Nov 2022 08:08
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 23 Nov 2022 23:22
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-588

Not a huge fan of this one. To me, it's basically another self-indulgent "anomalous science" fest with no actual narrative, much like RPC-270. This does have a slightly more interesting premise and didn't completely bore me out of my mind, but it also comes with the same power creep that you would normally get from curing every disease in existence.

Bad for canon, I say, bad for canon! 2/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 23 Nov 2022 23:22
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 23 Nov 2022 22:53
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-890

I thought this was building up to something, but no, it's just a pill that makes you disappear. The delivery is wonky; it says "we don't know what this does" and then details obviously what it does.

If I'm supposed to be made uncomfortable by unfortunate implications, then give me an unfortunate implication that's interesting enough to make me uncomfortable. The final sentence made me wheeze, but I'm not going to let unintentional(?) humor sway my judgment… again. 2/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 23 Nov 2022 22:53

This idea came to me and I wanted to see it through. It's on the short side.

Sandbox link
Image source

Did a google doc crit of three of yer drafts, and as proof, here's the shit I said in DMs. Should count.

Re: RPC-XXX "The Toad" by televisionisttelevisionist, 23 Nov 2022 17:16

Yeah, that's my fault. Sorry, I guess for as many spelling errors I took out I added some back in. I'll smooth them out in the second round of crit.

Some thoughts:

  • The abbreviation "Corp." refers specifically to corporations. What you want here is Psy Corps, with an 's'.
  • Lots of minor typos and a few spelling errors, (phobias spelled wrong, misplaced punctuation) that could be fixed with a more thorough readthrough. As always, I recommend reading it out loud.
  • Holy fuck that dating system is obnoxious. You can't even abbreviate it in any way?
  • In the final addendum you use "Selohssa" and "Soshi" to refer to the same species, I think?

So, okay, ending the point form here 'cause I think with some proofreading this is fine writing-wise. Storytelling-wise though… what about this is relevant to the GRPC? What about this connects or dovetails with the space opera setting in any way? This could just as easily be a regular RPC article with very minor tweaks.

I'm seeing lots of… I guess glossing over, throughout. It's not that there's any important detail missing, it's just not explored with the kind of rigor I'd expect from an article like this. Do more showing of the impact these psychic anomalies have on people, instead of just telling us that they do. Like, you spend a lot of words without getting into much detail about what their attacks on humanity look like, and without making them seem like particularly menacing threats.

The final addendum is really the cherry on the top of STOP TELLING US AND START SHOWING. I was hoping for an evocative, intense dream sequence to give a little bit of "wow" factor to the end of a fairly unexciting article, and what I got was more exposition.

They can't be a mysterious dream predator if we know their goals, their methods, and that they can be hurt. Fuck, lean into the dream side of things. Imply goals, imply threats, imply soul-searing emotional attacks. Knowing that the big scary dream monster can be hurt by just imagining stabbing it just kind of deflates any semblance of gravitas you've built up. The tone of the addendum also doesn't help with anything; this is a person who's just gone through a traumatic psychic attack, and their tone does not reflect that.

Spice it up, dude. You've got this theoretically wild and wacky setting and concept to work with and you don't do anything good with it.

Re: GRP-054 "Dream Aliens" by Von PincierVon Pincier, 23 Nov 2022 03:07

Hey, thanks for the review.

Yeah, this originally going to be a series, but then I found out that others had had similar ideas with Sin-themed anomalies, so on Discord we ended up collaborating to make a connected event. So soon this draft is going to be entirely rewritten.
But I'm glad you liked the idea so far. Originally this was just going to be a super-efficient killer character, but I kinda reworked it into an 'anomaly', and I think it shows, lol.

Re: RPC-XXX "The Toad" by TsnophaljakaraxTsnophaljakarax, 21 Nov 2022 21:51
  • What is "ritual carving"? These are conprocs, be specific.
  • Refer to the thing with the RPC prefix, not just by its number.
  • Limbs bound with what? Chained with what? They're to be fed what? Be more specific, or this is an article about tying people up in bondage gear, chaining them with paper garlands and force-feeding them horse semen twice a day.
  • what is a chemical concoction. What is NO-13. Be specific. Be detailed.
  • "Caribbean" is a proper noun.
  • Okay, explain to me what "reflects no light" means. 'cause, theoretically, that could mean these things just look like total black bodies, or they're invisible? Does that apply to visual light? Do they absorb 100% of light that touches them? Doesn't that mean they're constantly scorchingly hot in any kind of direct UV or IR light?
  • If these backwards-feet carribean vampires are terrified of a specific breed of dog, why does their containment not reflect that? Surely having a couple friendly dogs on the site would help a ton with keeping them pacified.
  • "not too dissimilar for to that of the Succubi " try reading this phrase out loud without it sounding clunky. Try it.
  • "the locals and the Indian" aren't those the same things?
  • All of your 16th century documents feel waaaaaaaay too organized. People weren't using organizational tables and shit back then. Remember that the Auctoritas records things in telling stories about them, not in scientific documentation.
  • What the heck is a "blant cannon"??
  • I don't think the list of anomalia used/items captured adds much, if I'm being honest. You could cut it to a brief summary and still imply the kind of story you're trying to tell.
  • I can tell you wrote a lot of this in one sitting 'cause the number of typos and grammar issues increases the further you get in. Keep proofreading.
  • I'm a little unclear why the Authority is working to preserve a species of aggressive, highly intelligent and organized vampires with the ability to create their own anomalous weapons and tools. Also, if these things are intelligent and organized, how do they feel about the Authority trying to un-genocide them?

I think you have some cool stuff here and I agree rooting it in Carribean folklore is super cool, but as it is it's a little too long and doesn't answer some fairly obvious questions.

Re: The Ciguapas by Von PincierVon Pincier, 21 Nov 2022 20:57

Some thoughts:

  • The image really leaps off the page in this one, which makes me obligated to ask; is it creative commons? Are you sure? Do you have permission/full attribution? Double-check. Pictures of people are tough.
  • "Survivors have described the anomalous humanoid as 'handsome, quirky and a very likeable personality'" I would say it has a likeable personality. Not that is is a personality.
  • "tourguide" is two words.
  • I see what you're doing with speculation, but there's some tonal issues. How do you "heavily speculate"?
  • Careful about contractions and referring to a humanoid anomaly as "him"
  • Wait, if the authority has security cameras on the boats, they don't need reports of subjects acting strangely. They can just see it in the footage, and confirm that the effects are caused by touch, no?
  • Honestly, the entity just disappearing after killing people/stealing stuff doesn't feel… that anomalous, I guess? Like, what's stopping this from being a very skilled con artist/criminal/computer hacker with government contacts just poisoning people?
  • I think the whole "anomalous deletion of digital records" thing should be explored more in the conprocs and description. That implies a fairly serious level of power and threat to the Authority and the US government, on top of the whole serial murders thing.

This isn't terribly written, but I feel like it's missing a little oomph in the content. Didn't grab me. Also, I assume this is "Greed" in a series about seven deadly sins-themed PoIs?

Re: RPC-XXX "The Toad" by Von PincierVon Pincier, 21 Nov 2022 20:42
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