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Finished final draft !

-grammar correction (I'm French so it was a hassle)
-header correction
-fixed general formatting
-redactions and formats screws removed
-text clarification in some places
-Addition of a paragraph supposed to add an emotion to the text. Rather than just saying that "it's a chair that makes you forget everything and then kills you" I preferred to highlight the real sadness of neurodegenerative diseases

Either way I followed all your valuable advice according to what was relevant to what I want to tell: A story of an RPC being a pretext for me to talk about neurodegenerative diseases.

Thanks for this crit, I think i'll just remove the destruction attempts and signal, and just focus on some people trying to comprehend why they are trying to save planet that they think is not worth saving.

Re: Eroded (Rewrite) by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 24 Mar 2023 20:17

Will I ever admit defeat? [eroded]

Eroded (Rewrite) by Bro dudeBro dude, 24 Mar 2023 16:35
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 24 Mar 2023 10:27
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-344

Some of this is clever and some of it is dumb. The value of the tone screw was questionable. Some parts, like the description and interview, use it subtly enough, but the first two Addendums just feel like they were written this way so the author could use any perspective convenient. Articles have been created about anomalies that hindered the Authority's perception of them without using tactics like this.

The writing is often cheesy and unsubtle.

The mother is smiling as if normal.

They are frozen, mouths gaped at you.

The contortion allows her to drop into RPC-344 unobstructed. She is happy during this.

None of us know who "Dr. Gallo" is. We fondly recall Ray.

I don't think you always have to be "subtle", but it would be preferable to ease into it, especially when you're screwing with the tone.

The closing addendum wasn't an effective conclusion for me, because I didn't feel like it established anything new. This information may as well have been placed at the beginning, because it's unimpressive as a development.

As for what I thought was clever, the wordplay is a good starting point, I like the true basic concept of the anomaly, and the first "exploration log" was also well executed.

Empty sockets seek wet eyes, as dry mouths do water.

The criticism I have is that it doesn't feel like it's in service of anything. The reader doesn't know why it's here, or, if the article is constantly contradicting itself, why it matters.

My one takeaway is that the "author explanation" on this discussion page should've been the actual canon ending. Were it included, perhaps as an offset, I would have more appreciation for the twisted themes and ambiguity of the article. This mystery just doesn't get solved or explored in a satisfying way to me. 2/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 24 Mar 2023 10:27
DrNogDrNog 24 Mar 2023 03:54
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-936

this > mid

by DrNogDrNog, 24 Mar 2023 03:54

protocol "black veil" seems weird to my english eyes wouldn't "black veil protocol" be better."let's answer to what likely is" might want to change that to "what is likely"."I imagine you probably" might want to change to "I imagine you have have probably". "branch of our organization to carry out some operations" change to "branch of our organization that carries out some operations"."Blue Book since a while' change 'since' to 'for'."does the dirty job for them" change work to job (it sounds more natural)."that more than once caused" put the word 'has' between that and more."troubles to the Rangers" change 'to' to 'for' and drop the s from troubles."why we have to be so secret" change to secretive."so, again," i think you can drop the comma between so and again."I can however talk you" talk to*."especially that protecting us from nasty psychic aliens, so be grateful to them." change to "especially when it comes to protecting us from nasty psychic aliens, so be grateful to them."." can wait for when you'll be at our headquarter" change to "cant wait for you to join us at our headquarters". " Think well whether" replace 'well' with 'about'.

I think this is actually pretty good. though needs some more explaining and a few more fixed details i say this is read to go (1st tab)

This is a draff I originally posted here over a year ago, but I am reposting it now. My intention in writing this story is to tell the narrative through the various logs. I am also still getting used to the classification system here, so any help with that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 23 Mar 2023 01:09
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-737

Just because an anomaly is dangerous doesn't make it interesting, no matter how exhausting the Containment Protocols are or how many times the Global Directorate gets name-dropped to remind you that. It's a somewhat novel idea bogged down by a lack of creativity. 1/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 23 Mar 2023 01:09
Re: About RPC-197
(account deleted) 22 Mar 2023 19:40
in discussion General Discussion / RPC General » About RPC-197

I will, I won't post until I have something to show.

Lorem ipsum

Re: About RPC-197 by (account deleted), 22 Mar 2023 19:40

I think you should stop asking for validation. If you're going to write, write.

Re: About RPC-197 by Von PincierVon Pincier, 22 Mar 2023 19:31

means you need a paragraph break

Could you crit this article for me?

First Impression

You need to double check your capitalization, like with your hazards. It’s a very easy fix, but without it your article looks very rushed. Check what other articles do. If you’re struggling with the format, my first recommendation is read more articles.

If you’re okay with it, I could fix the capitalization and punctuation for you real quick. I’d also recommend Grammarly if you want a program that can automatically point out those sorts of mistakes, especially since Wikidot doesn’t have its own spellchecking thing.



Final Thoughts

Once you fix the stuff like capitalization and punctuation first, I think if you just apply the changes I put in yellow to the rest of the article as well, this could be pretty good. It’s a very simple article so I hope you have more in mind, because the discovery and the addenda could use some more meat. I would look at other Kabushiki articles for the sort of tone they usually have, I’ll link those later once I find the numbers but I’m thinking of Gismo’s slime anomaly and my own cyborgs.

About RPC-197
(account deleted) 22 Mar 2023 10:49
in discussion General Discussion / RPC General » About RPC-197

I found RPC-197 to be quite lackluster, and I think the concept could achieve four or five stars with enough effort.

And so as a bad writer, I thought it could be good practice for me to try to improve upon 197 and make a three star into a four or even a five star RPC. Not that it will matter since once I am done with it, I’ll tear it into pieces and pick out what I like.

So, thoughts? Should I go through with this or forget about it?

Lorem ipsum

About RPC-197 by (account deleted), 22 Mar 2023 10:49

A idea that i have been working on for a little bit to just help out testing and have some fun looking and critiuqe my stuff.cause this im kinda proud of it

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