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Thank you for the helpful criticism and tips. I have added the critique to the article and it can be found here: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/cyber-clay

Re: My Draft: "Blood Armor" by Cyber-clayCyber-clay, 17 Oct 2021 02:28
ieatcrepesieatcrepes 16 Oct 2021 14:21
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-1340-J

I was on the edge of my tush

by ieatcrepesieatcrepes, 16 Oct 2021 14:21
****
pixelatedharmonypixelatedharmony 15 Oct 2021 18:58
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-604

Pretty cool, I was ready to be annoyed when what happened to the passengers was expunged but it ultimately wasn’t impactful to the story at hand. It’s a bit brief but it reminded me of the parts of Cabin in the Woods where people are surrounded by these monstrous things but still treating it like it’s their day job.


Such is life in the Soviet Union

**** by pixelatedharmonypixelatedharmony, 15 Oct 2021 18:58
ieatcrepesieatcrepes 15 Oct 2021 15:58
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-927

Lovely

by ieatcrepesieatcrepes, 15 Oct 2021 15:58

Got some stuff for you here:

Hazard Types:

  • Ideally have an image block to accompany
  • Order Alphabetically for an easier listing

CPs:

  • 2 by 2 what, meters, centimeters? Also make sure to include a third dimension in case this is a box, which context clues imply that it is.
  • Replace No contact is to be made with RPC-xxxx, unless clearance of a Head Researcher is given. with No contact is to be made with RPC-XXXX without approval from Head Researcher [Name]. Also take note what a Head Researcher's duties are per this page here.
    • Should also add an ""and" to tie with the next sentence, and remove the "Due to the ideological hazard" section, as it's more than made clear by context alone.
  • The remaining two sentences in this paragraph unfortunately appear redundant and out of place, you can move the sentence describing the box in question after the first sentence describing its dimensions.

Description (And Discovery):

  • An exact dating to 250 AD would be extremely hard to pull off with modern technology, at most you'd be able to get "mid 200's AD," unless there were written records corroborating it's creation date, which given the nature of the phenomena would seem a bit of a stretch.
  • Those armor pieces you describe actually have proper names in their own rights, although this may vary based on the time period and culture in question. A general list of what I mean can be found here.
  • When it is not worn, the armor exudes a wavelength that alters the mindset of those affected reads a bit like Star Trek technobabble, I would just leave the "wavelength" part of this out and leave it unknown, as well as the other sentences at measure that wavelength in general.
    • What you describe here (15 meters) would be radio waves, which, if you want to try this, could be used to justify a "test" where this property is discovered by accident, and an experiment on it goes awry with the radio in question or the like. May also be part of the discovery log, should you so desire.
  • Blood types is a bit vague here, do you mean the genetic information of the individual or the actual Blood Types found in humans (O-, B+, AB-, etc.), as with the later there really are only eight.
  • RPC-xxxx is immune to physical damage. RPC-xxxx-1 is not immune to damage. should really be condensed, with a "however," for example.
    • The "It" in the succeeding sentence is also a confused pronoun, you would be better off naming the subject directly.
  • RPC-xxxx-1 might also use this ability to [REDACTED] anything it perceives as hostile. comes across as an unnatural redaction, since it's obvious that it's kill/maim/otherwise injure a threat. If that's not what you meant by that redaction, I'd explore other avenues of explaining the -1's abilities further.

In general, keep an eye as to what kinds of words you're using when writing an article. Think of it like a report that's going to be read by professionals (inb4 "nice larp"), but clinical tone is hard to get down without practice, and this is a lovely way to get going on it.

Also pay attention to the order in which you give information. I noticed you tended to split things apart with tidbits and other info, which while helpful, causes the article to be a bit of a confusing read at a first glance. I do really like the concept you're working with though- I hope to see it on the Archive soon!

Crit by Arbiter_SoulArbiter_Soul, 15 Oct 2021 09:00
The Son of ManThe Son of Man 15 Oct 2021 06:50
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-903

I am not a big fan of it just saying "[DATA EXPUNGED]". I can't even let my imagination fill the gaps, because I have no idea what the ship could actually do.

by The Son of ManThe Son of Man, 15 Oct 2021 06:50

Why the fox symbol?

question by doom is boomdoom is boom, 15 Oct 2021 02:19
Nannar_UrNannar_Ur 14 Oct 2021 05:58
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-✋-J

good thing that it is back

by Nannar_UrNannar_Ur, 14 Oct 2021 05:58

Very valid criticism. I will edit accordingly to clarify my words and include more clues in the article to let the reader infer what happened that made the Authority stop investigating.

Re: Apocrypha by CaptainFormidableCaptainFormidable, 13 Oct 2021 23:13
4/5
doom is boomdoom is boom 13 Oct 2021 22:47
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-404-J

This article killed my family 4/5

4/5 by doom is boomdoom is boom, 13 Oct 2021 22:47

dupe.

dupe. woops by doom is boomdoom is boom, 13 Oct 2021 22:35
wuh
doom is boomdoom is boom 13 Oct 2021 22:35
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Epic Edna

wuh

wuh by doom is boomdoom is boom, 13 Oct 2021 22:35
doom is boomdoom is boom 13 Oct 2021 22:27
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-323

Clearly you have not seen the star citizen sub :flint3:

by doom is boomdoom is boom, 13 Oct 2021 22:27

I’m conflicted about this. It’s not bad, but for what it is it seems quite…unceremonious. It doesn’t fill in anything that RPC-439 glosses over, quite the opposite: 439–1’s complete lack of a character is exacerbated by the fact that she’s now dead. (Also we still don’t know what prompted 439 to fixate on Dr. Saito.) And it kind of takes the fun out of 550 by showing her as actively malicious instead of an unwilling participant, an ambiguity that I liked about the original article.
I want to like this, I wouldn’t say it’s bad, but I don’t think it’s a good continuation of 439 or 550.

by TomatointheMirrorTomatointheMirror, 13 Oct 2021 22:15
Re: Apocrypha
M_CCM_CC 13 Oct 2021 19:36
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Apocrypha

First point is the scroll. I don't see the point in going to such lengths to make sure it's not completely read by accident if all that happens is they can perceive a gateway way out in the Red Sea. There's no mental, physical or other kind of risk to reading it.

Second is this line

There is no water surface within RPC-XXX-A and the water pressure remains at a constant 277.044 atm, rendering it impossible to measure the actual depth.

We don't KNOW there's no surface just because we haven't found it. It's an extradimensional space after all. If we knew there was no surface, it also wouldn't make sense to talk about water depth.

I also have questions about the entrance. What happens if someone who hasn't read the text tries to go where the entrance would be? What ABOVE the exit point in RPC-XXX-A? Is it just a ceiling?

My last point is the underwhelming payoff at the end. In the Containment Protocol, we see a part crossed out and obviously that last creature is the reason why.

Hopefully wikidot saves this post this time and I don't have to write it out a third time.

Re: Apocrypha by M_CCM_CC, 13 Oct 2021 19:36
Re: Apocrypha
M_CCM_CC 13 Oct 2021 19:12
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Apocrypha

There was more I was going to say, but Son of Man has pointed out some of it already and you've already taken it to heart, which saves me some effort thankfully.

I guess my first point of critique is the tone. There are so many little passages and word choices that don't quite sound right I don't know if it's worth pointing out everything. All I can say for now is to just keep practising it.

Second is why would they bother going to lengths to prevent people from reading the full text and amnestising people who just read it if there's no real risk posed. All that happens is they can perceive this gateway. There's no cognitohazard or physical threat or any real downside.

I also have some questions about RPC-XXX-A. You say

There is no water surface within RPC-XXX-A and the water pressure remains at a constant 277.044 atm, rendering it impossible to measure the actual depth.

We don't KNOW there's no surface just because the water pressure's constant and we haven't found a surface. It's an extradimensional space after all. And if there was no surface, it would make no sense to talk about water depth in the first place. Something you haven't fleshed out as well is what's above the entrance point in RPC-XXX-A. Is it just a ceiling above or something different?
And what if someone who hasn't read the full text tries to go where the entrance to XXX-A would be?

Lastly is the ending part. They find something inside this dimension that I guess makes the Authority decide they shouldn't venture in there anymore, hence the crossed out containment protocol. It's a very underwhelming payout honestly.

Re: Apocrypha by M_CCM_CC, 13 Oct 2021 19:12

Seeking Approval: Yes
Page Type: RPC Article
Genre: Horror, History
Elevator Pitch: A German Division that was experimented on during the Second World War and given immortality, but with a side effect, their bodies would decay as if they had died, but their consciousness remains. The soldiers are, although, forever loyal to a collective consciousness that the troops answer to on their own will. Their vehicles somehow do not need fuel as well.
Central Narrative: It was late 1943, the allies were pushing in on Germany from all sides. In France, resistance fighters were fighting against the Germans. Down south, the Americans and British had pushed into Italy and it had surrendered. In the East, the Soviets were pushing the Germans out of Ukraine, and the Soviets reached Kyiv. Sensing danger, Hitler ordered his newest "Wunderwaffe" prematurely, a serum that grants immortality. Research had gone into this new weapon since 1941 by using Jewish Concentration Camps as testing grounds for the serum, particularly Auschwitz. The first tests in 1941 on Polish and Soviet POWs were absolute disasters, only creating undead, brainless monsters. These were effectively gassed and killed. By 1943, the serum was more refined but still needed progress in order to work more effectively. Hitler ordered this weapon to be used on one division, affectionately named the Ghost Division after the famous tank group. The Division was mostly made up of inexperienced conscripts, from ages 16-18. All 1,000 troops were given the serum and sent off to fight the Russians in the east. The Military group was incredibly effective, never sustaining a single casualty, and was a great fear for the Russians with their distinct, glowing eyes, a side effect of the serum. After the US invasion of Normandy, the division was sent to France to fight the Americans, but the Major General in charge of the division started to notice something strange, the troops started to act the same. In attitude, postures, eating style, everything. But the generals chalked it up to the troop's comradery and nothing more. By late 1944, Hitler's regime was on the brink of collapse, and the division was acting stranger than before. The Major General, an avid Nazi, noticed the troops cold stare at them whenever he was in the camp, at night, he heard their nocturnal ramblings and how it was like they were talking to someone. Early 1945, the division was stationed near Berlin, needing to meet with Hitler to discuss the fate of the division upon the war's end, went to Berlin for a day. During that day, the division vanished without a trace.
Hook/Attention-Grabber: It's a German military division in the modern-day and it takes the really common idea of zombification and zombies and takes it to a level where they aren’t braindead corpses reanimated. It's unique in that way.
Additional Notes: I will take all your advice well, and this is in pretty early development, central narrative and hook should be made within an hour

“Ghost Division by TheRedBaronTheRedBaron, 13 Oct 2021 18:59
Bro dudeBro dude 13 Oct 2021 15:58
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Epic Edna

I was gonna join the pile on, then I noticed Enigma's in it. Which made it age like a fine milk based on what I learned yesterday.

by Bro dudeBro dude, 13 Oct 2021 15:58
JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha 13 Oct 2021 05:40
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Blue Star Theme

I LOVE ISRAEL! I LOVE ISRAEL! I LOVE ISRAEL!


This is my wacky forum signature. You laugh at how wacky it is. Such a perfectly absurd forum signature is exactly the type of thing to make you giggle. Your entire life: It's all been leading up to this moment. Reading my crazy forum signature. All these years, all your struggles have been worth it. It's all downhill from here. All downhill from JimmyBoyHaha's forum signature.

Thank you.

by JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha, 13 Oct 2021 05:40

Thanks for the critique; I'll edit it accordingly!

Re: Apocrypha by CaptainFormidableCaptainFormidable, 13 Oct 2021 01:52
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