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You know this drill. Google Doc crit in DMS. Closing statement as proof.

5
MF_TOMBMF_TOMB 14 Jul 2024 17:40
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Elysian Plane

Wow, what a fantastic article!! So much fun to read. I have a few comments but I think this is a HUGE addition to RPC lore- reminds me of the Space Trilogy by CS Lewis and the Silmarrion… Simlarrilon… the book by Tolkien with the straight road and stuff.

Comments:

The images

are really good- I wasn't sure about the entropy doodle earlier but I think it's a good addition to give a visual aide that isn't super complicated. I feel like if it was more detailed a la some SCP images that have all the headings and bloated diagrams, I wouldn't want it there. It makes me think of something a teacher would put on a screen for a class on this subject- if you ever do change the image, I would make edit it to look like something on a chalkboard, since the sketch already looks like the ones u see in movies.

His theory was later rectified in 1952, when the ███████ handling of ███ ███████ ██████ by Monarch Security and the ████████ ████████ led to a small portion of the Sea of Chaos to release into Britain and ██████. The disaster manifested as a pollutant fog that caused widespread deaths and mass hysteria, as well as slowing down time in the surrounding area to ██ hours per ████. It was reported that several London citizens were "████████" by the smog, some metamorphising into ███████. Around ████ ████████ citizens had to be terminated by █████ █████ ████ forces.

I commented on this in the forums, but I don't like the amount of redactions. As an example, I made a similar mistake in 619, which didn't actually describe the affects of the anomaly on the airships it was targeting (funnily enough, also in Britain). I don't think I really fixed it, but what I'm trying to get at is that yes, you should let the reader make their own conclusions and stuff, but all you say here (ultimately) is that it caused deaths, panic, and some people got changed by the fog. Since the fog is of decreased cohesion, and it seems to just disintegrate or absorb what comes into it, it sounds more like it just turned people into fog ghosts or whatever instead of something more cool. Reduce the redactions and try to steer the train of thought towards your own idea of what the fog does.

In the wake of the 1952 London smog incident, numerous European agencies, allocated substantial resources to investigate the Elysian plane.

Remove the second comma and mention whether they were working together or separately on this issue- did MI13 collaborate?

Xian Dao (仙島)

I have a similar feeling with all of the otherworlds listed, but I think this one in particular is a good example of an otherworld that needs more otherlore. It's good to keep it brief, but there's a lot of time here that isn't covered- we hear of how they would intervene in times of tumult in China, but not how they would intervene or really interact in general until PCAAO tried to invade (which is an interesting idea). Compare that to:

Al-Alam Al-Ghayb (العالم الغيب)

This one is perfect and should be an example of how the other-otherworlds should look on this page. Perfect summary, it's brief, and it leaves a lot of room for other writers to come up with their own ideas. I'm not sure if it speaks more to how good the concept is or how well its written down, but I think structuring the description of other worlds like Al-Alam would be a good change.

This plane served as a nexus point for nearby artificial otherworlds in the Euphrates. Due to its strategic location along the Silk Road, it became a favored shortcut for numerous merchants and Muslim pilgrims, guided by thaumaturgists who could discern the geocentric shift in the stars.

that's so cool im gonna die

Even if you decide not to make these changes (I would rather you spend your time writing more stuff for this idea than fixing nitpicks) this is still an easy 5 🩵 thank you for your time and effort !!!! you are so creative and this is so so cool


Blessings,
LootedCrate

5 by MF_TOMBMF_TOMB, 14 Jul 2024 17:40

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/dattopgrpc

Dossier for The Flare, may include additional images for the Ships but debating if the Ships will have their own Dossier.

Flare Dossier Draft by DattopDattop, 14 Jul 2024 03:16

This is the RPC submission I have in mind

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/apb

I need to know what I can add to present it better, and if the concept itself has any flaws. Thank you.

I agree with everything that has been said by Double and add that there is a lot of details and attempts at shock and awe with no actual substance to it.

Why are there a 100 channels instead of one? Why would it know a ton of languages, including dead ones? What do the extreme emotional reactions actually bring to the table? If the reactions are already the result of an anomaly, why would the content need to be about classified information and not just regular goings-on that trigger such a disproportionate reaction?

The article also possesses a lack of experience, both worldly and site-wise. A TV cannot have a computer virus. It doesn't work that way. Some smart TVs can, but that is not how you prevent a broadcast of a channel. Add unto that the Authority "putting the virus in every TV in the world" - something that the Authority is not capable of. It is not omniscient and omnipotent, and not like the Foundation that is written to be capable in such a way.

Don't be discouraged by your first idea not turning out well. Use what was told to improve it and keep developing it: put time into research and writing, and I'm sure it will turn out swell.

You've technically done your homework in fleshing this out, but it's creatively insipid. "Meta" articles that primarily target anomalies or anomalous organizations, without careful consideration, tend to be the weakest, because they stamp out the fun of the genre's original premise: inexplicable things occurring in ordinary life. An anomaly that only deals with anomalies cancels itself out in this regard. A skilled author can make a good story with this anyway, but it has to be given meaning.

There already is a TV show RPC that reports on other anomalies: RPC-673 has an in-universe purpose and explanation for existing and a ton of identity on its own. This doesn't mean there isn't room for a second anomalous TV show, but I think it helps demonstrate how how bland this premise is. In this idea, there's no motivation, just random… I guess it would be mischief? Andras is hardly a character, just a stereotypical perception of what a creepy dude looks and acts like. This show, like every other part of its idea, is just there to fill space where something logically should be. The emotional property is pointless. It doesn't add anything to the concept or story. The discovery log and incident log are also meaningless. When you add to a body extra formless material that only exists to take up space, you're not fleshing it out, you're just making cancerous tumors. All these need to be cut and/or replaced with actual writing.

The anomaly's only real purpose is being annoying to deal with, which puts it in an odd place being both overpowered and incredibly lame. The Authority has to resort to ridiculous, implausible measures to contain it. It's more silly and frustrating than anything.

(By the way, I'm not going to point out grammar mistakes in your idea thread because it would be a waste of your time and mine. It's fairly readable, and more in-depth grammar criticism should be saved for an actual draft.)

Don't Bother Anymore, I'm Writing A Full Draft.

Ver. 2

RPC-XXX is a TV channel and a radio broadcast that showcases random RPCs as their main segment, memorials for CSDs killed while in Authority custody, sensitive government secrets, and deranged and hateful rants about the Authority, AoIs and GoIs.

XXX-01 is an anomalous broadcast whose main anomalous property is being able to broadcast on anything that can receive either audio, video or both. The closer to the source of the broadcast, the stronger it becomes. At a proximity of around 1 km from the source of the broadcast, all electronic devices able to play audio or video will be taken over by the broadcast. (If it has a screen, it will play the broadcast, if it has speakers, it will play the audio of the broadcast.)

The broadcast is limited to around 20 km2 near the town of ████ in the eastern parts of Oregon, United States, and envelopes the entire town. The source of the broadcast is an abandoned radio station that's cut off from the power grid, but anyone who tries to approach the building starts to suffer from sensory overload (massive headaches and loud ringing in the ears), and those who entered it have said that they suffered from hallucinations of the broadcast as if they were watching on a TV screen. It can be lethal for the individual if they are not evacuated.

  • At 20 km from the source, the signal of the broadcast is weak and mostly filled with static and white noise.
  • At 15 km from the source, the signal of the broadcast is strong enough for the viewer to understand everything.
  • At 10 km from the source, the signal of the broadcast is so strong that it starts to take over all nearly half of the channels and radio stations.
  • At 5 km from the source, the signal of the broadcast is so strong that it starts to take over all channels and radio stations.
  • At 1 km from the source, the signal of the broadcast is so strong that all electrical devices capable of playing audio or video will display the broadcast.
  • At 50 m from the source, the signal of the broadcast is so strong that it causes sensory overload in most living creatures.
  • At 10 m from the source, the signal of the broadcast is so strong that it will cause visual and auditory hallucinations of the broadcast in any individual and can be lethal.
  • (Should this segment be in an Addendum?)

XXX-02 is the main host of the many segments on the channel, previously thought to be dead CSD personnel. The town of ███ is known to be the hometown of the anchor.

The anchor has ash-like burned skin, hair covered with a layer of dust, and seemingly cracked teeth that are still holding together. (I'm not sure about this one, so here's an alt: The anchor is a silhouette of a man with no recognizable features who claims to be previously thought to be dead CSD personnel.) (Now that I wrote it, I prefer the alt version, but I will leave it as it is and hear what you have to say before making any permanent changes.)

It's the "soul" of a TV anchor who vows revenge against the Authority and their victims with the aim of exposing them and other secret organizations.

During the broadcasts, the anchor does stutter or glitch on occasions as if it was prerecorded, but on other occasions he will reference events that happen during the broadcast.

The TV anchor was a CSD before dying due to a vehicle accident after testing with RPC-███. The accident happened due to the poor health of the driver, who suffered a heart attack and died.

The TV anchor was never found, not even his corpse was located, and everyone involved would have thought that he made a run for it, if not for the puddles of blood leading away from the scene of the accident. A forensic team dispatched to examine the cause of the accident ruled that losing that much blood would have killed him. It was speculated that wild animals must have dragged his body away before they arrived at the scene of the accident.

There are some inconsistencies with the way XXX-02 behaves and its knowledge about anomalies. Examples include talking about the life of a CSD and not knowing anything about the RPC that caused their death, but having hosted a segment about that RPC only a few days ago.

It has been concluded that XXX-02's mind is unable to hold onto the information from one TV segment to the next. The cuts between segments may be the source of memory loss, as XXX-02 is always groggy when a new segment begins.

XXX-02 was also caught answering and even speaking directly to researchers stationed near XXX-01.

Containment Protocols: A 2m tall chain link fence was built around the anomaly with barbwire on top to keep anyone from entering its anonymous broadcast. A single Authority Security Force agent is stationed at the only gate leading inside. Six jamming stations were built on the border of the broadcast signal, where it's the weakest, to prevent anyone who gets through to access the broadcast.

A cover was created that a sinkhole exposed natural gases, and the area was too dangerous for anyone to enter.
The town of ███ is around 16 km from the source of the broadcast and with the help of The Office of Extranormal Security Affairs they evacuated the town.


Don't Bother Anymore, I'm Writing A Full Draft.

Don't Bother Anymore, I'm Writing A Full Draft.

The original image comes from Saatchiart, to be more precise the sculpture called "Star man awaits you", and was edited by Mr Makor.

by Capitano NoxCapitano Nox, 09 Jul 2024 05:45
by Capitano NoxCapitano Nox, 07 Jul 2024 21:25

Welcome again to the draft forums, our center of development for the site. Do not rush through this stage; take the time to refine your work and make something to be proud of. The writers guide and formatting guide are helpful to those who need them.

Host your draft on the sandbox, then post the link to this forum for feedback! If there's something in particular about your draft that you want to focus on, don't forget to mention this so critics can write reviews tailored to your concerns.

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You must get two pieces of criticism on the forum before posting your article to the wiki. If your thread isn't getting attention, you can ask on the Discord server. You can also trade with someone else who is looking for crit. Please refrain from opening multiple threads for the same article, but feel free to comment on your post when you have updated it.

Naming your thread

A good title will capture users' interest, so naming your thread "My Draft" is a bad idea. Use the title you plan to upload to the site with, or at least something that conveys your concept. The thread description allows you to elaborate and provide additional context at a glance. (Psst! The word count is good information to include here.)

You can update the title and description at any time by clicking "More Options" at the top of the thread, then "Edit Title & Description".

Thread archival

If a thread goes 100 days without a new reply, it is liable to be archived. Be sure to bump or post on your thread regularly so it stays up and so other users know you are still active.

Best of luck on all your writings, and I hope to see them on the site!

Helpful Information v2 by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 07 Jul 2024 19:20

The kangaroos, definitely. I've never seen RPC-082 impregnate a kangaroo, anyway.

SuperspambotSuperspambot 06 Jul 2024 17:46
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-812

I think this article is pretty good, but it does really need some wording improvements in some areas. Just a couple examples:

Junior Researcher Luthers skin was exhibiting signs of infuriation

I don't believe infuriation is the correct word here

The anomalous effects of RPC-812 manifest when an certain amount of physical systems

Other than that, I don't think I like the odd cliffhanger ending even if this was intended to split off into a tale, and I think the CSD death could've had a bit of consequences (or at least have the last test simply result in major injury and not death.)

by SuperspambotSuperspambot, 06 Jul 2024 17:46

Posted from DMs:

Re: A Comet Anomaly by televisionisttelevisionist, 06 Jul 2024 16:50

The main critique is that this article doesn't do decent world-building, is rather a cliche, and doesn't describe so much society as more of a Stellaris faction on a wiki page. CE isn't about realism. It is a goofy setting; its species don't need to be hyper-realistic. In terms of Kymen, they often can tell a decent enough story.

But the Red Collective does not, and it just seems like, "I can't believe it's not Stalinism," but space aliens. It contains useless fluff terms that make it hard to read. But I don't care about that, primarily. I want to learn about a distant alien culture and its many facets. I want to know why humanity cares about them and what I can use them for. You paint in such broad strokes like it's a paradox game when no culture or civilization can be painted. If implemented, the red collective would be another alien in a catalog full of them. Even its name isn't inspiring. It'd be like calling humans the "Freedom Alliance."

My suggestion? Focus on building a people first instead of an ideology. It's better writing. Focus on making people multifaceted and addressing the multiple problems of a space-faring civilization. Multi-planetary bodies are not efficient by nature and require comedic levels of autonomy. Talk about their culture and humanity's relationship to them. Talk about their ethnicities and identities. Don't make them all super-conformist because, at that point, it's just robots.

There's a reason we don't talk about the October Revolution like this or the average Russian like they're some uncontacted Tribe the British Navy discovered.

"Hardy, sturdy and built for the cold, your typical Ruskie is always thinking of the group. Their culture revolves around a sense of community and self-discipline, which is administered and brokered by the Central Planning committee."

I wish I had more to say, but I don't think spag is the issue. I've been putting this off too much, and I'd rather just say what I can. You know where to contact me on the discord.


I will be honest, while the description and conprocs are… lacking in SPAG, they're not the worst. RPC-XXX-2 is a little silly, but it could've had an interesting scenario that is was used in. The discovery, however is genuinely equivalent to the original plot of failsafe in terms of Authority incompetence and ridiculousness. I'm not going to comment on the dialogue sections. This is a kindness.

2/5

Re: Dattop RPC Draft by SuperspambotSuperspambot, 06 Jul 2024 02:03
Re: A Comet Anomaly by SuperspambotSuperspambot, 05 Jul 2024 23:46

Just a few things to start out, before the spelling and all that.

  • I don't think I would keep the framing of "this was found outside the bakery where 565 was located" just because it doesn't really seem to make sense that the Authority would leave a loose end that they know about. I mean it wouldn't be too hard to track this kid down, especially if they were able to talk to Antonio, since this kid seemed to be his sole customer for a time.
  • I noticed there's a decent number of times where the kid uses too many words to explain something, it's like he's trying to hit the minimum word count on an essay. Like "hence proving it was more intelligent" or " we even formed some form of friendship." I don't think a kid would use such verbose language
    • Expanding on this, I'd say one way to make it seem a bit more natural is to add more contractions. most people, especially when it comes to documents for themselves, like to shorten the amount of words they have to write. Plus, saying, "I will not let" sounds far more adult than "I won't let"
  • This kid also seem to immediately jump to the idea that some external malevolent force is responsible for the moth's disappearance despite him never seeing any proof of that or any reason to believe that happened. Like if I had this happen to me I'd just assume some sort of accident happened to the moth and nobody wanted to talk about it.
Re: My Time at Antonio's by SuperspambotSuperspambot, 05 Jul 2024 23:03

Pretty good job for a first article. I would definitely say some of the dialogue, especially coming from Antonio can be a bit on and off sometimes. The language can be a bit too empathetic(?) to the moth, like for example saying he "befriended" another moth or how he "nuzzles" personnel. I think you can tell the reader this stuff without dropping the clinical nature. Either way, I'd still say you did a good job here overall.

by Oak_SeekerOak_Seeker, 05 Jul 2024 22:10
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