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Registered Phenomena Code: 145
Object Class: Gamma-Orange
Hazard Types: Sapient Hazard, Transmutation Hazard, Tychokinetic Hazard
Containment Protocols: RPC-145 is to be contained in a standard humanoid containment facility under constant surveillance. In the event that full attention cannot be used on RPC-145, the containment facility is to be injected with sleeping gas. The entity is to be forcefully restrained at all times to a large chair.
As RPC-145 operates under a non-euclidean form of logic where situations occur under the perspective of what an outside viewer may find comedic or humorous, any setups to potentially amusing scenarios are to be avoided. Old storytelling tropes, such as "begging the question" or "being too literal" trigger RPC-145's most reality-breaking effects. As such, as little communication as possible around the entity is the best method to secure containment.
Description: RPC-145 is a 1.3-meter tall humanoid with a large nose, circular eyes, and drooping ears. It wears a colorful suit, a monocle, and a top hat. RPC-145 possesses minor reality-warping powers that share similarities with animated cartoon tropes. RPC-145 seems to use these powers for its own amusement but does not have any inherently malicious intent.
RPC-145 has shown itself to be extremely durable. In its containment at site-███, the entity has been crushed, burned alive, shot in the face, stabbed, electrocuted, dismembered, and poisoned, and has made an almost instantaneous recovery when unobserved. RPC-145 has almost no aversion to danger, only looking at the closest RPC personnel or camera and taking a large gulp of air before being harmed.
When unobserved, RPC-145 has the ability to teleport freely within a confined area. Measured speeds indicate RPC-145 can go up to ██ km/h. It likes to use this ability to startle personnel. When RPC-145 enters a room with one or more people inside, all of them will hear music consisting of a quick kazoo solo. This effect is purely memetic, as security cameras with audio capability will record no music coming from RPC-145.
Discovery: RPC-145 was noticed by the RPC Authority after numerous police reports were filed in █████████, Pennsylvania about a "deformed-looking man who frequently and nonchalantly self-mutilated himself in front of children". RPC-145 was lured to Site-███ under the guise that Site-███ was a television broadcast station. █ personnel were fatally wounded in attempting to contain RPC-145 due to its then-unknown anomalous abilities. Successful containment occurred after enough experimentation was performed on RPC-145 for chemical weaknesses which could be used for containment procedures.
On █/█/194█, RPC-145 breached containment following successful memetic manipulation of its guards. RPC-145 was apprehended by three guards armed with automatic shotguns. Unprompted, the three all opened fire on RPC-145. RPC-145 staggered back and forth for several seconds before falling on the floor, clutching its chest. The three guards all broke eye contact with RPC-145 for a split second, allowing its regenerative traits to activate and anomalously escape. RPC-145 was recontained successfully following its escape via sleeping gas.
On █/█/197█, RPC-145 managed to trick its security guards into allowing it to breach containment. RPC-145 ran seemingly randomly around the site, confused, until it stopped, tired, in the underground storage facility of Site-███. RPC-145 rested on a particularly weak steel girder supporting the building, causing it to collapse, destroying █.█% of Site-███ and resulting in the deaths of ██ personnel. RPC-145 seems to have done this completely unintentionally and apologized casually, after which it was quickly contained.
On █/█/199█, RPC-145 breached containment at the same time as RPC-████. RPC-████ attacked RPC-145, freezing it completely solid. RPC-145 thawed out approximately ten minutes later, forming several large cracks and eventually splitting into hundreds of small shards. Since this event happened in a hallway observed by a security camera, RPC-145 was unable to regenerate, and only did so when a janitor swept up RPC-145 unwittingly into a trashcan.
Interviewed: RPC-145
Interviewer: Dr. H███
Foreword: RPC-145 was sent a request for an interview on █/█/20██. RPC-145 accepted but was deliberately kept unaware what the interview topics would be. Three guards each armed with sleeping gas containers were in the room to knock RPC-145 unconscious, should it try to escape.
Interview
Dr. H███: Hello there, RPC-145. I understand you-
RPC-145: Hey hey hey, Doc! What'd you wanna talk about? How to be amazing? How to get the chicks to dig you? How to get famous?
Dr. H███: sighs No, we have important business we need to discuss. First of all, where are you from?
RPC-145: Whoa there, Sargent! I thought you were gonna ask me my favorite color or something impersonal like that. Geez, this is worse than that time I had to perform for all those sick kids at the orphanage.
Note: At this point, RPC-145 started to rapidly move back in forth in a visual similarity to rippling water. Dr. H███ and one of the two guards grabbed RPC-145, only to instead be instantaneously be seated in an auditorium. RPC-145 was onstage, performing slapstick comedy with an assistant that would be seemingly lethal to any normal human. This included setting himself on fire, RPC-145 and the assistant whacking each other with baseball bats, and juggling anvils. None of the children (all of whom were shorter and had distorted faces, resembling RPC-145) seemed to be entertained. After approximately fifteen minutes of the deadly performance, RPC-145 became enraged and angrily screamed its displeasure at everyone, saying how "he'd go to a place where everyone would finally laugh at him", and then exited stage right. Immediately after this, Dr. H███ and the guard were transported back to the interview room.
RPC-145: Wowzers! Sorry about that, Doc. I just had myself one hey of a flashback! You ever get those?
Dr. H███: No, I can't say I have.
RPC-145: Gotcha, Doc. Hey, what's that over there?
Dr. H███ and both guards look in the direction where RPC-145 pointed
Dr. H███: There's nothi- Oh you little piece of
RPC-145 has vanished. A hole is left in the wall with the exact two-dimensional shape of RPC-145. Security guard C██████ found RPC-145 wandering the hallway outside the interview room. After an approximate thirty-minute effort, RPC-145 was successfully recontained.
Interview unofficially ended
Closing Statement: Dr. H███ and his two guards all report feeling extreme memetic pressure to glance over in the direction RPC-145 was pointing. RPC-145 does not seem to have direct mind control capabilities, but it does seem to have the anomalous trait of redirecting attention to another area. In the climate of an interview, where the Authority's scientists and doctors are all listening intently to RPC-145, this anomaly could be exploited by RPC-145.
Addendum A: Further interviews with RPC-145 are to be canceled. All staff are to be explicitly reminded that RPC-145, despite its outward exterior as a goofy cartoon character, is extremely lethal in the wrong circumstances. Nobody in real life would've lasted five minutes in those old shows, anyway. -Dr. H███
