KAKE KNIFE™ by Amazing! Co.
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Registered Phenomena Code: 536
Object Class: Beta-Purple
Previous Designate: LO-536
Hazard Types:Additional Properties: |
Aggression |
Ballistic |
Climatological |
Geological |
Grouped |
Invisibility |
Psychotronic |
Sapient |
Sentient |
Transmutation |
Bio-Hazard |
Contact |
Corrosive |
Electromagnetic Force |
Explosive |
Extreme Temperature |
Radiation |
Toxic |
Destabilization |
Extra-Dimensional |
Gravitational |
Teleportation |
Temporal |
Auditory |
Emotional |
Ideological |
Info-Hazard |
Memory Alteration |
Mind-Control |
Mind-Regression |
Sensory |
Visual |
Animated |
Aquatic |
Ecological |
Extra-Terrestrial |
Immeasurable |
Incorporeal |
Mechanical |
Microscopic |
Organic |
Regenerative |
Titanic |
Tychokinetic |
Replicating |
Newtonian |
Ontological |
Divine |
Hallucinogen |
High Velocity |
Proto-Mechanical |
Proto-Newtonian |
Proto-Sapient |
Containment Protocols
LO-536 is contained within a standard Lesser Anomalous Object locker in Site-015's low-security wing. Personnel with type two-R clearance and above may access LO-536 for additional testing at the discretion of class 3 personnel. Any and all misuse of LO-536 must be reported – in accordance with research personnel's standard operating procedures – to lead researcher: Dr. Nguyen.
Following Incident 994-08, LO-536 has been reclassified as RPC-536. The object has additionally been assigned the contact, transmutative, and mind-control hazard designates with a containment rating of Alpha-Orange.
RPC-536 has been moved to Site-015's actively monitored Γ/Β containment wing. It is housed in a reinforced and padded lockbox. All personnel are to exercise extreme caution when handling RPC-536, predominately the blade. Interactions with the object are to be monitored via standard surveillance systems.
In the event that RPC-536 lacerates personnel or triggers its memetic effect, the sub-section of the facility in use and its adjacent occupied sectors are to be filled with an incapacitating agent, and a containment breach declared. On-site ASF teams and Protectorate Rangers are to prioritize non-lethal means when responding to a containment breach.
RESEARCH/EXPERIMENTATION BAN: June 27th, ████ - Present
Authority: Site-024 Dir. Miller
Reasoning: Following the destruction of RPC-536's previous housing facility and the resultant containment breach, all non-essential interactions with RPC-536 have been banned. We currently do not understand, nor can we safely assess its abilities. In light of these events, RPC-536 has been tentatively reclassified as Beta-Purple.
RPC-536 is currently contained within Site-024's maximum-security wing. Its containment cell is to be equipped with a reinforced vacuum-sealed glass container fitted with a proprietary maglev suspension system with an additional tuned mass dampener – adjusted to ~274g – directly fixed to the object.
Standard video surveillance is to be utilized, and its feed checked no less than three times per six-hour shift. The aforementioned maglev and surveillance systems are to utilize the Site's primary power for their operation with an additional 10,000-watt diesel generator as a failsafe.
Congruent Protocols: Personnel are prohibited from responding to any advertisement or commercial material – imperiously those originating from RPC-████ – which showcases RPC-536. Furthermore, MST-X-Ray-06 "Annulifiers" has been tasked with tracking any medium hosting 1-800-A!C0ÁKΣ.
Description
Figure 536-A: Agent Bánh after being exposed to RPC-536 following the "Happy Birthday" containment breach.
RPC-536 is a mint green carbon steel 33x3.5cm French-style chef's knife with a matching polytetrafluoroethylene handle. RPC-536 is devoid of any manufacturing marks or labels aside from a solid black Amazing! Co. logo above the bolster on the left flat of the blade.
RPC-536's anomalous abilities manifest when an object makes contact with any portion of its blade. When applied with force, RPC-536 will transmute said object into a flour-based confectionery or cake. These transmutations are instantaneous and wholly envelop the entirety of whatever RPC-536 cuts.
The confectionaries concocted by RPC-536 are non-anomalous and superficially display no obvious signs of transitionary stress or disfigurement. The surfaces of the structures are primarily formed from painted and textured marzipan. In addition, the interiors act as cake-derived pseudo facsimiles; specifically in regards to the objects' initial density. Light-weight items – such as construction foams or cotton – convert into aerated sponge cake while objects with higher density or a large mass will transmute into pound cake. The exact nature of these variations are currently being debated by members of the Chemistry Dept.
Discovery
While testing RPC-████, researchers discovered an infomercial network titled "A!Co. Shaap Mo." The channel advertised several known Amazing! Co. products including RPC-013 variations, Biomechanical Warriors™ such as RPC-237, and RPC-909. Each product's commercial was accompanied by an indecipherable or non-sensical series of toll-free "1-800" numbers, none of which were active by the time the Cryptography Dept. deciphered their respective number.
Despite their failings, the team managed to place a direct call to the number decoded during RPC-536's infomercial. Transcribed below is the aforementioned advertisement.
Infomercial #7132 Transcription |
00:00:00- A technicolor Amazing! Co. logo flashes across the screen as the camera pans left to right over a simple stage. A soft theme can be heard, which is believed to be a mixture of "La Cucaracha" and "Turkey in the Straw" played in a round on off-beat syncopations.
00:00:10- The camera then pans towards center stage as a series of red velvet curtains manifest in the background.
00:00:13- A man walks out from behind one of the curtains as loud whooping, clapping, and cheering overtakes the audio. His face is obscured in abnormally dark shadow as he takes the stage.
00:00:17- The man gestures for the crowd to be silent as he walks back off the stage, then back on the stage which now has a folding table with RPC-536 and several random objects.
00:00:21- As the crowd dies down, several spotlights illuminate the man; his face is cut out of the shot while the camera is arbitrarily centered on the left side of the table.
00:00:24- The Man: Sorry, sorry we have is having to share the studio space. [Crowd erupts into applause] Stupid other show "Laugh is Dum" is of more like it! [Crowd erupts into crickets chirping] I am the host: Jim. We have something product that was a real sweet treat for you today. [The man does finger guns at the audience]
00:00:42- The camera zooms in further to the left; putting the man entirely off-screen as he grabs RPC-536.
00:00:44- Jim: Isn't ze a beut! [Crowd woos] We I haven't even have finished it now. Brand New!
00:00:55- The camera zooms out, and back to its original position now showing the man holding RPC-536.
00:00:56- Members of the Cryptography Dept. begin to decipher the coded signal that accompanies all products on the "A!Co. Shaap Mo." channel.
00:00:57- Disembodied Voice: Our phone call isopodan operators are standing by! [Matching text appears on screen]
00:01:04- Jim: Your ears eat that? Enough loud food, time for some see food. I should show you what it does even.
00:01:16- The man grabs an apple from the objects on the table. He brings it up to his mouth – which is still off-screen – and takes an audible bite out of it. He then places it on the table. Personnel noted that the bite mark was unnaturally large and non-indicative of a typical human mouth.
00:01:24- Jim: Mmm Good human foods! Now let's we use the new Amazing! Co. Kake Knife.™ [Crowd crickets woo]
00:01:34- The man then takes RPC-536 and cuts a small piece off the apple. He then smashes the apple revealing its interior had transformed into a cake with an apple jam filling.
00:01:51- Jim: Kake Knife™ has is doing its job! [Crowd explodes into louder applause than previously]
00:01:58 – 00:12:17- The man continues to grab and cut all of the objects from the table with RPC-536. Including a microwave, a car tire, a copy of the bible, plutonium, an audience cricket, a basketball, a handgun (after firing it into the audience), an oxygen tank, and a level 4R RPC security badge. Cheers from the audience become excessively frantic as each item is transformed into cake.
00:12:19- Jim: Well that is all time. Remember our call people will ring you up! [The man leans on the table inadvertently cutting it with RPC-536. The table instantly collapses into a pile of cake. The man sheepishly shrugs as the audience burgeons with laughter. Several scream that they are going into cardiac arrest]
00:12:20- At this time members of the Cryptography Dept. deciphered the message which led them to a toll-free number: 1-800-A!C0ÁKΣ. Using IP telephony, Authority personnel placed a call, as simultaneously RPC-536 vanished from the feed and remanifested in the hands of the agent placing the call.
00:12:21- Jim: Oh, have you seen that? We had a friend buyer! Not if done finishing work! Hope they do not need the sheath.
00:12:38- Music swells as the camera pans right to left. The man can be seen gesturing to the cheering audience before walking off-stage as the credits roll.
Following the manifestation of RPC-536, a security breach was declared. After a brief investigation, on-site ASF personnel were unable to find any lead that indicated the method in which RPC-536 was transported. Furthermore, personnel have been prohibited from attempting to contact any number associated with the "A!Co. Shaap Mo." shopping channel, and "Jim" has been added to the Persons of Interest (PoI) listing. Although, based on the available evidence, The Authority suspects "Jim" may not exist.
Addendum 536.01
Following the initial manifestation of RPC-536, The Authority focused its efforts on shutting down all variations of Amazing! Co. advertisements, while RPC-536 was classified as a Lesser Anomalous Item. It remained as LO-536 for several months without any major incident – aside from Jr. Researcher Peterson turning Med door #17 into cake – until an unrelated containment breach caused by RPC-994 on the 9th of June, 20██.
Prior to the incident, personnel had not observed interactions with RPC-536's anomalous traits on sapient or human subjects. Agent Bánh, a member of RPC-994's containment team, was unintentionally cut by RPC-536 under inconsequential circumstances during said containment breach. The incident report is as follows:
Incident: Dr. Nguyen is observed passing through Medical Clinic-7 towards the low-security wing. Dr. Nguyen would later recall choosing to take a shortcut through this sector while attempting to resecure RPC-536 per standard Containment Breach procedures and to avoid a fire caused by RPC-994's anomalous abilities. Dr. Nguyen is seen colliding with a passing nurse and falling towards Agent Bánh's bed.
As Dr. Nguyen stands up, all observable personnel stop and turn towards Agent Bánh. Dr. Nguyen proceeds to cut up Bánh's left leg with RPC-536. Bánh, Nguyen, and the medical personnel are all seen smiling as they gather around the bed. Dr. Nguyen proceeds to lead the group in singing "Happy Birthday." Passing ASF personnel are then offered pieces of Agent Bánh's legs. As they eat, they are observed entering a jovial state similar to the medical staff prior to entering the room and wishing Agent Bánh a happy birthday.
Agent Bánh was noted to be conscious and convivial towards the situation.
AAR: Site-015 administration became aware of the situation when Dr. Nguyen was apprehended in the cafeteria attempting to distribute pieces of Agent Bánh. He was noted by members of his staff as acting strangely; frequently repeating "It's Bánh's birthday. There's cake in the med room."
Responding operatives were met with difficulty when attempting to apprehend the affected personnel. They eventually resorted to using tear gas and force to subdue them, then administering Class A-1 amnestics.
Figure 536-B: Agent Bánh's brain post autopsy, note the raspberry cerebrospinal fluid.
Following the discovery of the memetic effect exhibited by RPC-536, it was reclassified and its containment protocols updated. Research personnel who had previously interacted with the object were questioned, but none of them experienced similar memetic influence as in the 994-08 incident.
Agent Bánh's body was quarantined by members of ProLab establishing Rev. II containment protocols. They were unable to accurately measure the possible area of effect RPC-536 established, but in conjunction with members of the Biology Dept. performed an autopsy on Agent Bánh's body, which they concluded exuded no long-lasting memetic effects.
Despite addressing the medical team performing the autopsy, Agent Bánh was officially declared dead at the time of the initial incident. While capable of speech, primarily the phrases "It's my birthday" and "You forgot last year," Agent Bánh no longer reacted towards any stimuli, nor displayed any vitals signs. His internal organs, such as the heart and lungs, had transformed en masse alongside the chest cavity's assorted viscera into a yellow lemon cake. His brain, while intact, was inert and had likewise transmuted into a red velvet cake. [See Figure 536-B] Dr. Nguyen also noted that it was not Agent Bánh's birthday.
Addendum 536.02
RPC-536 remained incident-free under the second revision containment protocols for approx. four months. On Sep ██, 20██, a 5.1 magnitude earthquake shook Site-015, resulting in RPC-536 making contact with and destroying its containment cell and eventually the concrete supports of the Γ/Β containment wing.
Due to the solid, seamless construction of the sector's concrete support structures, the entirety of the containment wing collapsed under the resultant weight shift due to the instantaneous transmutation. While the concrete was transformed into a remarkably dense pound cake, the collapse in conjunction with the earthquake devastated the site.
Approx. 319 personnel died in the subsequent containment breach. Additionally, 56 personnel are MIA, RPC-███, RPC-███, and RPC-███ were destroyed, and RPC-███ has still not been relocated.
Note from Dr. Nguyen: I've submitted RPC-536 for further reclassification following the 536.02 containment breach. We can't hold it here, not with the shakes and the other anomalies. To think even a minor quake led to all this. I've requested to have it sent to Site-024 under my direct supervision. We don't know what the limits to its transformative abilities are. It changed ten thousand tons of concrete in the same time it would change a marble. What would happen if it fell on the ground?