RPC Authority

Below is a partial log of several order slips produced by RPC-627 from the time leading up to and during its recovery incident. It should be noted that compared to the other non-anomalous receipt machine, the formats are slightly different. This is apparently due to the anomalous nature of RPC-627, as order slips before the incident began were completely identical in format.

Order #001, first apparent anomalous order produced by RPC-627.

ORDER: #6723
PATRON: Xyzl Thorben.
PRICE: $23.99

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1 BAC-CH BURGER
&. lettuce
&. tomato
&. onion

1 SML. FRIES.

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: Please make sure that the animal that the "burger" is made out of is what you would call a Bos primigenius.³

Order was initially disregarded as no person by that name came to the register to place such an order.

Order #002.

ORDER: #6724
PATRON: Falum Xiomaz.
PRICE: $16.99

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1 FRIED SCALLOP
Large
1 FRIED SHRIMP
Large
1 FRIED WHOLE BELLY CLAMS
Large
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: Please make it so that all of the animals are blessed with holy water before they are prepared for my consumption.

Order #017, first major deviation of normal foodstuffs to non-foodstuffs.

ORDER: #6740
PATRON: Quang Le Fitzgerald.
PRICE: $5.99

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1 GAL. SULFURIC ACID
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: I request a silly straw along with this beverage.

Order #050, first apparent communication with the entity and/or entities responsible for the orders produced by RPC-627.

ORDER: #6773
PATRON: Bolg Vahlaum.
PRICE: $49.99

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1 FRIED FISH PLATE
&. Xtra Onion Rings
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: I know this is probably a busy time, but I am paying this amount so that my generosity may encourage you to prepare my order with utmost haste.

Unknown, this slip came out after 65 orders went unmade.

NOTICE
FAILURE TO PRODUCE ONE MORE ORDER WILL RESULT IN "DISCIPLINARY ACTIONS" AS YOU SO CALL THEM.
-CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

Order #066.

ORDER: #6789
PATRON: Faubqa Gravi.
PRICE: $12.99

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1 BOILED CAMEL TONGUE
&. Xtra lemon
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: May I please have this prepared such that the tongue is still writhing as I consume it.

After a period of 12 minutes, all kitchen staff, save for Mr. █████, instantly vanished, and after a few more minutes, this slip was produced.

TIMOTHY █████, AS YOU CAN SEE, YOUR "CO-WORKERS" AS YOU SO CALL THEM SUFFERED A TERRIBLE FATE, BY MY HAND. YOU CAN AVOID THIS FATE. I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU A "CONCESSION" AS YOU SO CALL IT. YOU MAY CREATE ALL OF THE ORDERS WITHIN YOUR BOUND OF REASON, I WILL PRODUCE THE ORDERS WHICH YOU ARE CURRENTLY INCAPABLE OF CREATING. DO THIS, AND I SHALL GIVE YOU HALF OF ALL PROFITS. I WILL SAY WHEN YOU HAVE COMPLETED ALL OF THE ORDERS.
-CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

Mr. █████ then began to make as many orders as he could. As he did this, restaurant patrons then began to vanish, and evacuated the restaurant. Local law enforcement operatives who were sent in also disappeared as soon as they entered the establishment, however, as Authority personnel arrived at the scene they did not instantly disappear, and after the interview and subsequent disappearance of Mr. █████, this slip was produced:

HELLO INDIVIDUALS AND PERSONS OF THE RPC AUTHORITY, I AM INTERESTED IN DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU. YOU ARE THE PERFECT ENTITY WHICH CAN HELP ME IN MY "RESTAURANT" AS YOU SO CALL IT. YOU SEE, MY CLIENTELE, THEY ARE NOT LIKE YOU, THEY HAVE SPECIFIC TASTES, THEY ENJOY YOUR "FOOD" AS YOU SO CALL IT, BUT THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO BE OF YOUR WORLD WITHOUT CAUSING THE LOCAL SPATIAL GEOMETRY OF YOUR WORLD TO INVERT ON ITSELF. OBVIOUSLY YOU OR ANY LIFE FORM SUCH AS YOU WOULD NOT WANT THAT. YET, MY CLIENTELE IS STILL FOND OF YOUR "FOOD" AS YOU SO CALL IT, SO THEY HAVE HIRED ME TO ACT AS A "MIDDLE MAN" AS YOU SO CALL IT. BUT I AM JUST THAT, A MIDDLE MAN, I NEED THE OTHER ENDS, PLEASE, I HAVE ONE END, WILL YOU BE THE OTHER?
-CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

After the acquisition of RPC-627, testing was conducted in an attempt discern if the object possessed any more anomalous traits than those which it has already displayed. Findings from these tests are displayed as such.

Test #: 627-01
Procedure: One (1) order slip produced by RPC-627 is prepared by CSD-1678 per its specifications. Order consists of a quail egg sandwich with tomatillos and fig sauce, with a side of pan fried frog legs. Order is stated to cost $13.99.
Results: Upon completion and plating of the order, said order instantly vanished, after which the exact amount of money the order is stated to cost materializes in CSD-1678's hands. Money is confiscated afterwards.
Notes: Ok, so that seems simple enough, you make an order, you get its supposed cost, I wonder though what is the result if two people are responsible for the order?- Dr. ████████

Test #: 627-02
Procedure: One (1) order slip produced by RPC-627 is prepared by CSD-1678 and CSD-4347, order consists of roasted whole guinea pig, with a side of fried green tomatoes. Order is stated to cost $21.99. CSD-1678 is instructed to prepare the guinea pig, while CSD-4347 prepares the tomatoes.
Results: Order vanished upon completion, afterward, both CSD personnel receive exactly $11, which is confiscated afterwards.
Notes: Well, it looks like whoever is doing this knows about division of labor, that doesn't exactly help us understand how the object functions.- Dr. ████████

Test #: 627-03
Procedure: One (1) order slip produced by RPC-627 is not prepared, CSD-1678 and CSD-4347 are kept in their assigned quarters and monitored. Order consists of one (1) 9 Volt battery and one (1) pack of golden raisins.
Results: 12 minutes after the order slip was produced, CSD-1678 and 4347 vanished instantaneously at the exact same moment, it is unknown what happened to these personnel afterwards.
Notes: It appears that this entity targets whoever was responsible for the last order completed, as it appears to expect them to keep producing orders until "it says so" whatever that means. - Dr. ████████

Test #: 627-04
Procedure: One (1) order slip produced by RPC-627 is not prepared. CSD-7186, who had prepared several orders beforehand, is kept in his quarters and monitored. CSD-7186 is equipped with a shoulder mounted camcorder and microphone in an attempt to observe what happens to individuals affected by RPC-627. Order consists of lamb chops apparently prepared in the style of General Tso's chicken, with jasmine rice on the side.
Results: CSD-7186 vanished at the expected time, however, the recording device did not teleport along with him. This slip was produced several minutes after the CSD personnel disappeared:

NOTICE
COME ON NOW, I THOUGHT WE WOULD NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM ANYMORE.
-CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

Notes: I did not expect this level of precision. - Dr. ████████

Test #: 627-05
Procedure: Technician Andrews attempts to disassemble RPC-627 in an attempt to find out how the object produces the anomalous order slips.
Results: As Andrews lifts up the cover of the object and attempts to remove the ream of paper, he is struck by a bolt of electricity in the arms and torso. He is merely incapacitated by this action.
Notes: Medical staff say that Andrews can't move his arms anymore, this thing knew to disable a threat. I'm calling for a recommendation to classify this object as a Sentient-Hazard. -Dr. ████████

Test #: 627-06
Procedure: RPC-627 is unplugged so as to observe how the object functions without electricity.
Results: RPC-627 began to print out various order slips which contained moderate to severe cognitohazards. RPC-627 was plugged back in and afterwards produced this slip:

NOTICE
HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE "RECEIPT PRINTER" AS YOU SO CALL IT? MY ORDERS YOU RECEIVED APPEARED TO STILL BE WRITTEN IN MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, HOPEFULLY YOU WERE NOT AFFECTED.
-CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

Notes: Looks like unplugging it only exacerbates problems, because those slips which contained the cognitohazards were still orders, so the CSD still disappeared. We must find another method of containment. -Dr. ████████

Test #: 627-07
Procedure: CSD-2317 is instructed to lift up the cover of the object so as to observe the ream of receipt paper and also to see whether the object will operate normally.
Results: RPC-627 fails to produce an order slip for 4 hours, after which CSD-2317 is instructed to place the cover back on the object. Immediately afterwards a lethal electric bolt discharges from RPC-627, killing the CSD instantly. This slip was produced afterwards:

NOTICE
PLEASE DO NOT DO WHATEVER YOU DID TO THE "RECEIPT PRINTER" AS YOU SO CALL IT, EVER AGAIN. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A "LUNCH RUSH" AS YOU SO CALL IT WITH MY CLIENTELE AND THEY WERE VERY UPSET THAT THEY DID NOT RECEIVE YOUR "FOOD" AS YOU SO CALL IT.
-CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

Notes: Now this is interesting, This entity appears to rely on the un-observation of the receipt paper to allow for the orders to be inputted and printed out on the object, perhaps this can be an effective containment protocol. -Dr. ████████

Findings of this test are still under review as of ██/██/20██. The findings of this test have been deemed an effective containment protocol and will be implemented as of ██/██/20██. As of Incident 627-1, these findings are now deemed an unacceptable containment protocol, and should never be implemented in the future.

After the findings of Test 627-07, It was deemed acceptable by Site-036 Director ██████ that the most effective method of containment for RPC-627 was to leave its paper ream exposed, which apparently prevented the entity or entities affecting the object from producing the orders. The time which the cover was lifted from the object is noted as being at 1325 hours local time on 04/12/201█. RPC-627 failed to produce order slips for a full 24 hours, and also did not discharge electricity when approached and handled, object was moved to the storage wing of Site-036 and was placed on low priority observation. Three weeks passed without any activity reported by RPC-627, on 05/03/201█, security personnel in charge of the storage wing failed to give an hourly status report, additional security personnel were sent to assess the condition of the personnel who were last known to be stationed at the storage wing.

Of the three personnel who were in charge of security of the storage wing, one member, identified as Craig █████████, was still alive, the other two personnel were killed, with their corpses badly mutilated and some organs seemingly missing. The cause of death was most likely determined to be massive bodily trauma, though it is unclear how this was caused. Mr. █████████ was found to be making several gestures, which were later determined to be similar to motions made whilst preparing food, such as whisking into air and cutting seemingly nothing, all whilst stood in front of RPC-627, whose ream of paper was still exposed. Mr. █████████ is also noted to be repetitively stating a series of phrases, later deduced to be various "orders" commonly known to be printed out by RPC-627. Security teams moved in to attempt to subdue Mr. █████████, however, as soon as they came within 2 meters of the subject they instantly vanished, personnel then retreated to alert the Site Director of the situation.

The storage wing was sealed, and communication was attempted with Mr. █████████, who continued to make gestures and speak phrases. A drone was sent in to attempt to subdue the subject, which also disappeared, however the distance between it and the subject when it disappeared was noted to be 5 meters now. Mr. █████████ then stopped speaking phrases and made contact with personnel observing from the Site cameras, below is an approximate audio transcript of the communication between Mr. █████████ and Site personnel.

Security Incident Log 627-1, Dated 05/03/201█

<Begin Log>

Mr. █████████ is preforming gestures, however he has stopped stating phrases he had previously been chanting. Security Officer ████ is within the storage wing, 7 m from the subject, with his weapon trained on him. Dr. ████████ monitors from the Site control room.

Security Officer ████: Craig, are you alright?

Mr. █████████: Why did we stop making the orders?

Security Officer ████: Oh hell, thank god, we finally got through to you. Now listen, if you surrender now we can help you, we're bringing in anti-cognitohazard specialists to help you come back to yo-

Mr. █████████: (sobbing) No, it's not that, it's this thing. This being, I can see him, I'm in its "restaurant".

Security Officer ████: Are you saying that you can perceive something we can't? Well that's OK too, we'll just get Viderics. But right now I need to know some things, what happened to Jerry and Amy?

Mr. █████████: I didn't do a thing, the chef just cut them through dimensions is all, serves them right, they should have been making the orders.

Dr. ████████ attempts communication with the subject

Dr. ████████: Mr. █████████, can you tell me what you see? Describe the area and any entities, if any, that you can perceive.

Mr. █████████: Doc, all I can tell you is that string theory is real. What? Oh, alright. Doc, the chef wants you to know that he is very upset with the Authority, and that this attempt at what he says is "deliberate communication sabotage" is unacceptable, and he's very upset that hes had to resort to such primitive methods of communication.

Dr. ████████: So you are perceiving a higher dimensional space? How do you see it? What are the angles?

Mr. █████████: Doc, you're really not getting it, this is my punishment for not making the orders, and don't worry, you'll be seeing it soon, all of you.

Security Officer ████: Come on Craig, just tell the doc what you see and we can help you. You don't have to do this.

Mr. █████████'s voice is noted to significantly change at this point, and also stops performing gestures. Mr. █████████ is now referred to as Subject-627 for the remainder of this audio transcript

Subject-627: And you didn't have to stop making the orders, but here you are, reaping what you sow, because apparently lower dimensional beings just absolutely cannot handle what's going on the next dimension over, let alone several. I mean, what have I done to deserve this? I present myself to a capable establishment, in the simplest form I can manage mind you, and yet, they still do not understand the basic concept of food service?

Dr. ████████: I- Mr. █████████, has something happened?

Subject-627: Oh my, yes, he is gone. Well, I have his physical form but I have his other self working away in my "kitchen" as you so call it. I am Chef Gobai Wanakha, and I'm sorry that communication between us had to become this direct.

Dr. ████████: Uh, Mr. "Wanakha", it is a pleasure to meet you. We'd like to ask you some questions, are you an entity that exists in a higher spatial dimension than ours?

Subject-627: I'm going to have to answer that question with a question, would knowing the amount of spatial dimensions my true form occupies affect the method by which you prepare the "food" as you so call it in any significant way?

Security Officer ████: Oh god damn it, why do you care about our food so much? Huh? What's so wrong with your Nth dimensional slop that makes you think that 3d food is any better?

Subject-627: You really don't get it do you? you think that you're making "food" as you so call it in just 3 dimensions?

Dr. ████████: We do not understand, please elaborate.

Subject-627: Why do you need to understand? What amount of elaboration do you need to make a sandwich? A "lamb" as you so call it doesn't know that it needs to be slaughtered for food, and so it lives a peaceful life. If any animal knew what was intended for them then we would not have food. You just had to remain ignorant, and make the orders.

Dr. ████████: Alright fine, so we do make the orders, and then what? we just keep making them until heat death? You know we have problems here too, there are hunger problems all over the world. We shouldn't have to worry about whatever damn numbered dimensional beings are eat-

Subject-627: YOU DARE THINK THAT WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS INSIGNIFICANT? I will appreciate certain ignorance, but that type I will not. The work that you do for me was orchestrated by my clientele because they want to change. For eons, they ate the stars, the nebula, all that was form and matter they consumed. They ate beings like you too, countless worlds devoured by these "gods" as you would call them. These "gods" were smart though, and they began to realize these worlds were populated, and they stopped, and they watched, for reasons not even I know of. Sometimes they would go down to these worlds, but their forms, they could not occupy three dimensions, or rather they could, but their forms caused space to fold into itself endlessly. They stopped doing that after a while. And then after watching they noticed that you were the same, you consumed just as they did, and they were pleased. They wished to consume what you did, and now we are here.

Dr. ████████: That doesn't sound important, so these "gods" are like any other beings, they eat, so why is it so important that we feed them first?

Subject-627: Didn't I say that I still appreciated some ignorance?

Dr. ████████: (scoffs) This is ridiculous, we are not willing to cooperate unless we receive a full explanation of how you are affecting RPC-627 to make these orders, Officer ████, please terminate the subject.

Security Officer ████, opens fire on the subject, the bullets are observed to disappear 6 m from the subject.

Subject-627: So you want to abandon ignorance, fine.

Subject reaches for RPC-627 and closes its lid, immediately afterwards, at approximately 1227 hours, all personnel at Site-036 vanished.

<End log>

Automatic distress beacons alerted nearby Sites of the situation and MSTs were mobilized for fear of a possible breach. as they investigated the Site, they soon discovered RPC-627, with one slip printed out, which reads as follows:

NOTICE
THIS IS THE RESULT OF YOUR FAILURE TO COOPERATE WITH ME, DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
- CHEF GOBAI WANAKHA.

As recovery efforts continued, an assessment of the surrounding area revealed that a sizable amount of the population of a town, which was close to Site-036, had also vanished. Through approximations of the distance between individuals who are said to have disappeared and RPC-627, it was then deduced that anyone within a 1 km radius of RPC-627 as it closed teleported. Unfortunately, due to the large scale and sudden nature of the incident, no viable cover story could be implemented, and amnestics were deployed over the remainder of the town, all Site-036 personnel have been deemed MIA. Research is still ongoing to deduce where matter that is transported via RPC-627 is placed.

As of Incident 627-1, current containment protocols have been implemented, and thus far minimal CSD personnel have been teleported by RPC-627.