The Paper Witch
Registered Phenomena Code: 645
Object Class: Omega-White
| Hazard Types:Additional Properties: | Hallucinogen |
High Velocity |
Containment Protocols:
RPC-645 is presently considered uncontainable. Containment efforts are instead directed toward monitoring manifestations, recovering interview transcripts, and minimizing disruption to Authority operations. Security personnel are to identify the intended recipient from the envelope's exterior and notify them of its arrival.
Investigations into the identity and whereabouts of its apparent creator and operator, designated PoI-6566 ("Ophelia C."), are ongoing.
Description:
PoI-6566 seen through RPC-645
RPC-645 is a collection of animated paper envelopes with small green plastic ribbons glued to them, with the signature "Ophelia C." written in ink on the back, alongside an assigned address. The object can reach its designated address by flapping like a pair of wings. Capturing these letters is difficult, as they appear to automatically avoid anyone they were not addressed to.
The insides of RPC-645 consist of a random assortment of drawings, newspaper clippings, and pages taken from various books and other pieces of paper media. No coherent message or pattern has been found among these contents. After it reaches its recipient, the contents of these papers disappear, leaving them blank.
After its intended recipient takes hold of RPC-645, the anomaly will interview them, asking a variety of personal questions. When asked about the purpose of these interviews, RPC-645 will either claim to be part of a journalistic report for a news agency or that it is collecting stories for inspiration for its novels.
Throughout the interview, the blank sheet of paper will record the conversation, transcribing it in handwriting without the use of a typewriter or other writing instrument. Once the interview has concluded, the paper will return to the envelope before demanifesting via spontaneous combustion.
RPC-645 is believed to serve as a means of communication for "Ophelia C." (designated PoI-6566), who appears to exercise direct control over RPC-645. If a hole is punctured through the envelope or any paper associated with RPC-645, PoI-6566 can briefly be observed through the opening, regardless of the angle from which it is viewed. The anomaly will automatically demanifest shortly afterward.
After the interview, PoI-6566 returns a copy of the original transcript to the appropriate mail address in around 1-2 weeks.
Addendum 645.1: Discovery
RPC-645 was first encountered by the Authority on 02/05/2022 by Dr. Victor Kleiner in Site-016. The anomaly approached Dr. Kleiner in the hope of revealing itself to the Authority as well as interviewing said personnel. After the interview ended abruptly, the transcript of the interview was sent to Dr. Kleiner's work address one week later, which can be seen in the following file:
RPC-580-1-18 interview with RPC-645
Date: 02/05/20223 (14:07 PM)
Location: Site-016
Foreword: RPC-645 mailed itself to Site-016 and hid between paper documents a day before this interview was conducted.
Interview with Dr. Kleiner
Ophelia
Doctor Kleiner? Are you Doctor Kleiner?
Dr. Kleiner
JESUS!
(Dr. Kleiner nearly drops the stack of files in his hands. His eyes widen. For several seconds, he simply stared at the source of the voice: a folded sheet of lined paper sitting atop his desk. The paper awkwardly rises on its two feet, waving one edge of its corner cheerfully.}
Ophelia
Don't be afraid of a letter! I'm only a simple piece of paper. I won't bite; in fact, the most harm I can do to you is a papercut, innit? (I laugh)
Dr. Kleiner
What the — what are you?
Ophelia
I'm a talking piece of paper. What else do you think I am?
Dr. Kleiner
… What? Where the hell did you come from?
Ophelia
From elsewhere. But that’s besides the point; I want to make a formal introduction to the RPC Authority. What does the RPC in this thing stand for? Registered Phenomena Catalog? Research Picket Confinement? Anyway, I figured it would be most productive if I made my grand entrance into the RPC's R [registered] P [phenomena] C [code] through you, Doctor Kleiner.
Dr. Kleiner
How do you know my name? How did you know where I work, for that matter?
Ophelia
I have my sources; a list of interesting people I keep track of. But make no mistake, I’m not omniscient. Heh… Otherwise, I wouldn’t be interviewing you.
Dr. Kleiner
Interview? Is this an interview? Are you interviewing me?
Ophelia
Yes, yes, I’m interviewing you. Can’t you see the text already transcribed here? Let me draw a big black arrow to let you see.

Here! Right here!
Ophelia
(The paper mimics a bow with the edge of its corners acting as its limbs.) My name is Ophelia Charlala, and I'm known around my circle as the Paper Witch.
Dr. Kleiner
Paper… Witch?
(Dr. Kleiner immediately picks up a pen and paper.)
Ophelia
No need to transcribe our conversations, Doctor. As you can see here, I'm transcribing it for us. It's exactly what it says. A witch who deals with papers of all sorts, from pages of a book to newspaper clippings, to crayon drawings made by children. Doctor Kleiner, I've lived the better part of my years dealing with paper. I think you're in a similar position to me.
Dr. Kleiner
How so?
(Dr. Kleiner puts his pen and paper down and looks around if anyone is eavesdropping in their conversation. Which for disclosure, aside from a mute CCTV and a bug [covert listening device] on his computer that lost its battery since 2019, there is no one.)
Wait, there's a bug in my computer?
Ophelia
Stay on topic. What I meant by our "similar position" is that you deal with papers too; what else could I be talking about? Not to mention you’re familiar with interviews, having done multiple yourself. From what I've read, though, they are rather boring annual agent reports. (Laughs) You know no one wants to listen to boring people talk about their lives, right? Where are the exciting anomalies with unique and brash characters? But uhm… Not you, Dr. Kleiner, you don't count among these boring humans to interview.
Dr. Kleiner
That’s true… But… is this a legal thing? Are you making some sort of evidential document admissible in court? Should I talk to my lawyer before this?
Ophelia
Nothing of the like!
Dr. Kleiner
I'm sorry, but I can't give you any information regarding the Authority.
Ophelia
(Laughs) No, no. I won’t ask any questions about the Authority; I’m not here to collect intelligence if that’s what you’re worried about. Such a thing is utterly boring. No, I’d rather ask you personal questions instead.
Dr. Kleiner
But why me of all people? You just said you’re not interested in talking to regular people. Aren’t there more interesting people to interview?
Ophelia
No, you’re just about right. I could maybe try my luck with your Global Directors, but the regional representatives are always bickering, commander Thunderbolt is a drag, architect Operator is a nerd, and the scholar, he would probably splash holy water at me immediately.. (Which for your information, does work against me. Because I’m made of paper! Hah, get it?)
No, if I am going to be finally recognized by the Authority, I must first be interviewed by someone with a doctorate. That is how you know an RPC is a true RPC! Let’s see here… Let's start with the classic! Dr. Kleiner, what master's did you earn to get your doctorate?
Dr. Kleiner
(Sigh) That question, huh?
Ophelia
“What’s your major!?” is a classic for a reason! It works every time!
Dr. Kleiner
Psychology. Just psychology.
Ophelia
Psychology? I was expecting something dreadfully complicated. You know, thaumaturgical metacognition, ontological pathology, advanced soul surgery—
Dr. Kleiner
Those aren't real degrees.
Ophelia
They're real somewhere. Now tell me, Doctor. Why, of all majors, did you choose psychology?
Dr. Kleiner
I suppose… I wanted to understand myself, and I also wanted to understand people.
Ophelia
That's a very noble answer.
Dr. Kleiner
It's also the answer everyone gives.
Ophelia
And is it true?
Dr. Kleiner
Partially.
Ophelia
Ah! Hahaha, there it is! The real answer is hiding behind the polite one.
Dr. Kleiner
You know, most interviewers aren't supposed to sound so pleased when they catch someone being dishonest. But I'll play along. I chose psychology because it was easy. At least, it was one of the easier choices among the other doctorates I could've gotten. It came naturally to me, but even after finishing my master's thesis on the subject, I can't say it is my true calling.
Ophelia
I understand. But you are good enough to be enlisted by the Authority. You must've done something excellently.
Dr. Kleiner
Nothing in particular. I already had connections with people who were already working for the Authority, and when they needed a psychologist who was fluent in English, Norwegian, and Mandarin, they recruited me immediately. I don't see a lot of anomalies in my part of the work in the Authority, mostly people.
Ophelia
(The paper folds itself thoughtfully.)
Would you say people frighten you, Doctor?
Dr. Kleiner
Excuse me?
Ophelia
People frighten me sometimes. And this is coming from a witch, even terrible creatures of the night, such as I am, scared by the mere instance of people. After all, among the aliens, demons, and beasts that we face, humans are the monsters we encounter the most.
Dr. Kleiner
You just said you loved learning about them.
Ophelia
I do. That's exactly why they frighten me. The more I learn about people, the more I realize they're impossible to predict. But they're not beasts; you can learn about them, discover their story. You can know someone for ten years, and then one day they tell you something that changes everything. It's a monstrous thing.
Dr. Kleiner
That's human nature.
Ophelia
Yes. It's wonderful, isn't it?
(A brief silence falls between us.)
Dr. Kleiner
While you're here, could I have a moment of your time to interview you? You're a new anomaly we haven't catalogued yet so I—
Ophelia
I'm sorry, Doctor, that's all the time left. Goodbye!
Dr. Kleiner
But you barely interviewed me. It was mostly you talki—

Addendum 645.2: Interview Transcripts
RPC-022 interview with RPC-645
Date: 10/25/2022 (16:30 PM)
Location: Site-026
Foreword: RPC-645 was sighted in the afternoon of 10/25/2022 flying to the premises of Site-026-██-█ where RPC-020 was currently stationed at.
Interviewing the Centurion
(I flutter into the room where the statue stands on guard. I sat on top of him, nestling on his head like a pigeon.)
RPC-022
INTRUSOR! By Mars, identify yourself, or by my sword I shall—
(The statue reaches for his sword vested on a nearby scabbard, then pauses before grabbing the letter on his head.)
Ophelia
Goodness gracious!
RPC-022
Papercraft. State your allegiance. And do not make light of this.
Ophelia
My allegiance is to myself. And perhaps a couple of news agencies and the witch’s gathering, depending on the day or when I’m low on money.
RPC-022
A witch?
Ophelia
Yes, I’m the Paper Witch. And you’re a talking statue, so calm yourself, else you'll fight a battle you'll lose.
RPC-022
You can do no such thing.
Ophelia
Have you not heard that paper beats rock? Now, unless you have scissors, I suggest you stay calm and collected.
RPC-022
Does my sword count as a scissor?
Ophelia
Only if you have two of them.
RPC-022
Ha! A fine answer. Very well, witch. If your business is just journalism, I can indulge you. Speak.
Ophelia
Excellent! Now, let me get a better look of your face. EEEK!
RPC-022
What is it? What happened?
Ophelia
Aren't you a scary thing? Stone shouldn't be moving like that. Yes, that's my first question… Do people scream often when they meet you?
RPC-022
No.
Ophelia
How unfortunate.
RPC-022
Is it unfortunate? Any man would rejoice upon not to be feared. Even soldiers, whose duty is to protect.
Ophelia
(The paper scribbles a note.)
You know, I’ve been wondering something. Mister, walking, talking, killing statue man. Do pigeons land on you often?
RPC-022
What?
Ophelia
Pigeons.
RPC-022
I believe I have a certain quality that is extremely hostile to birds.
Ophelia
Yes, of course. It's because you move, innit? But not me, if I were a pigeon, I would land on you immediately. You look very landable.
RPC-022
(RPC-022 thinks about this.)
I shall regard this as a compliment. But your conjecture is wrong. In my day, all the statues in Rome were defiled by pigeons—many of them coated in a fresh layer of their droppings. Fortuna has spared me such a fate, or else I possess some quality that is peculiarly displeasing to birds. Which, as you say, may be my animation.
(The paper kicks its edges lightly against his shoulder.)
Ophelia
Is there a food from your days you miss? I wonder how different Roman cuisine is from the food of Italy today.
(RPC-022 tilts its head.)
RPC-022
I don't eat.
Ophelia
Oh… Yes, of course. I'm sorry. You're made of pure magic!
RPC-022
Are we not of the same breadth, witch?
Ophelia
Hardly. This paper witch isn't all paper, you know, there's ink in these veins and a whole lot of curiosity bubbling underneath. Goodness gracious, you see, my last interviewer had the absolute gall to complain that I simply talk too much during these interviews. Can you believe that? He sat there with his little clipboard and his pinched expression and said it was an interviewer's job to let the interviewee do all the talking and reveal everything about themselves. As if I don't already know that! I honestly see no point whatsoever in that criticism. I don't talk that much, and I never make these interviews about me. I'm a people person, I love people, and learning about people. Why would I ruin that to talk about myself? I don't get paid for this job. I mean I do. I sell some of my interviews to the WWWJ should they ask for one, but I don't make this my own main form of living. It's more of a hobby, you see? I—
RPC-022
Your next question?
Ophelia
Ah…
Let's see here… Which insect are you most afraid of?
RPC-022
Di immortales, witch, are all your questions trivial?
Ophelia
Hmph! Trivial!? Well, I think it's up to interpretation how "trivial" my questions are; and quite frankly, I don't take the opinions of stone to be of any value. Better things written in paper than in stone.
RPC-022
Then what are your questions for?
Ophelia
To learn more about you! Oh, mighty centurion. (Chuckles)
RPC-022
Most people would rather learn more about history.
Ophelia
Well, in my case, I'm more curious about the man who is Lucilius, rather than Lucillus, a loyal soldier. After all, everybody keeps asking you about battles; you're a historian's favorite when it comes to battles!
RPC-022
Aye, many. More than I care to recount and fewer than the poets would claim.
Ophelia
Yes, but that’s utterly boring, innit?
RPC-022
Boring?
Ophelia
Every soldier talks about battles. But what about life after battles?
RPC-022
You ask strange questions. Move on to your next one, domina.
Ophelia
I’m curious about your creator. Did Marcus ever tell you anything worth remembering?
RPC-022
Many things. But nothing the Authority hasn't heard of. And none that is of interest to you.
Ophelia
Then tell me something more personal. What’s the first thing that comes to mind?
(The statue thinks.)
RPC-022
One day, he said to me, (mimics an exhausted voice) “”Lucille, desine in limine stare.”
Translation note: “Lucillus, stop standing in the doorway.”
Ophelia
And?
RPC-022
That's it.
Ophelia
Not philosophy? Not wisdom? Not some grand lesson?
RPC-022
No.
Ophelia
Just “stop standing in the doorway?”
RPC-022
I was standing in the doorway.
(The paper laughs.)
Ophelia
You know, I think that’s the first real thing you’ve told me all afternoon.
RPC-022
What do you mean?
Ophelia
Historians ask about emperors.
RPC-022
Naturally.
Ophelia
Historians ask about wars.
RPC-022
Naturally.
Ophelia
Nobody asks what your father sounded like when he was annoyed.
(The hallway is quiet.)
RPC-022
…
Ophelia
…
RPC-022
He sounded tired.
Ophelia
Mm.
RPC-022
But never angry.
(The paper stops writing for several seconds.)
Ophelia
I would’ve liked him.
RPC-022
You would have.
Ophelia
Would he have liked me?
RPC-022
My father valued disciplina above nearly all virtues. You, fair witch, appear to regard it as a mere humour.
Ophelia
Forgive this witch for her lack of discipline. I am a curious witch, after all.
RPC-022
You possess a most fearsome curiosity, domina.
Ophelia
Would you consider that a virtue?
RPC-022
Only if you're willing to die for the catharsis of knowledge.
RPC-580-1-18 interview with RPC-645
Date: 26/03/2024 (08:08 AM)
Location: Site-002
Foreword: The interview begins in private office ██-█, in Site-002's medical level.
Interview with another Paper Witch
(A folded sheet of lined paper quietly slides beneath the door to RPC-222-1's room. It pauses, straightens itself, and politely knocks against the floor.)
Ophelia
Permission to enter?
Kaylee
Come in!
(The paper waddles inside on two tiny folded legs. Kaylee blinks twice before smiling.)
Kaylee
Oh! You're… paper! That's a new one. Are you a newly transferred patient here?
Ophelia
Patient?
Kaylee
Oh, uh, I mean, RPC. I don't know if talking paper needs medical checks (giggles.)
Ophelia
Maybe? Maybe not? Who knows, really. I am quite uncontainable, no security rozzers could ever catch an Omega-White like me. Let me introduce myself, I am Ophelia Charala, RPC-645 by designation. And you must be Kaylee Havenson, RPC-222-1!
Kaylee
That's right! Mm… Are you a witch made of paper or a witch that does paper magic?
Ophelia
The latter, though I do like misleading people into believing I'm the former. But, correct me if I'm wrong, young lady. But might you be another Paper Witch such as I? I clearly see you holding that book with you at all times, and from what I gather, you can influence the very essence of fate itself with it.
Kaylee
Mmm… A paper witch? I wouldn't consider myself a witch.
Ophelia
What, do you have something against witches?
Kaylee
K…kind of. Witches are bad, aren't they?
Ophelia
Hmph! Well, I can't blame you. Witches are a fickle thing, but that doesn't change the fact that you and I are kindred, fellow paper witch… Or is it strings witch? Love witch, perhaps?
Kaylee
What are you here for, Ophelia?
Ophelia
I'm an interviewer.
Kaylee
(Groans) Another interviewer?
Ophelia
No, no. You see, this one will be fun! I'm the fun interviewer!
Kaylee
Okay…
Ophelia
Say, you have a rather charismatic visage. Would you mind if I drew you while conducting this interview?
Kaylee
Of course!
(Kaylee begins experimenting with a variety of poses and facial expressions.)
Ophelia
Oh! Ahaha! No need to present yourself in such a fashion. Just pretend like I'm not drawing you in the first place.
Kaylee
Okay.
Ophelia
Now, time for my interview. How do you like it here in the Authority? You can be honest with me; I'm not affiliated with the Authority whatsoever.
Kaylee
It's okay… It gets lonely sometimes. But not always; the scientists are nice, Ashley likes to show off a lot, but she's really cool. I sometimes meet a lot of ghosts too, but they don't talk a lot. I don't get to meet most other anomalies.
Ophelia
One of the flaws of this site, I suppose. I can't imagine this place not being exciting, but with how dangerous everything is, you just can't go anywhere without a chaperone! Odd, that innit?
Kaylee
Yes. But I like it here.
Ophelia
Do you?
Kaylee
(Grumbles) I wanna be on the beach site instead… Yes, I do.
Ophelia
Life is hard for little anomalies like you. But don't worry, I know a fair number of anomalies that grew up to be quite the presentable adults. That may include you, if you believe so.
Kaylee
(Kaylee nods silently.) I'm not super gloomy about it like Ashley is.
Ophelia
Alright, next question. Hmm… What are kids into nowadays… Do kids still watch cartoons? Do you still watch cartoons?
Kaylee
Sometimes.
Ophelia
Oh, wonderful! Which one is your favorite?
Kaylee
Mmm… There are a lot. Oh! There's this one funny show! Yuru Yuri, I think it's called. They usually have cutsey episodes, but sometimes, the characters there directly talk to you.
Ophelia
Pardon?
Kaylee
The characters would randomly call themselves Sigma and be like "kyaaa took me long enough to get here without anyone noticing. How is the show Kaylee-chan? Can we watch from the beginning?" and then it loops the episode.
Ophelia
Sweetheart, television shows can't do that. I don't think that particular show is appropriate for you either. You should be watching K-On! instead.
Kaylee
But that show is boring.
Ophelia
No, it’s not.
Kaylee
Besides… why shouldn’t television speak? I just saw mine speak to me.
Ophelia
Well, it shouldn't.
Kaylee
But you're a piece of paper, and you're talking to me.
Ophelia
This is different; I'm magic, like you. Television, computers, they come to life through AI. And I, for one, am not very fond of them. They take the magic away from these things.
Kaylee
(Nods) That does make sense. Besides that… mmm… Spongebob.
Ophelia
I like SpongeBob too.
(I continue drawing between our short moment of silence.)
Kaylee
I'm betting… You want me to tell you how your story will go in the The Little Book of Love. It's what everyone keeps asking me about.
Ophelia
Not particularly, but by all means, go ahead.
Kaylee
I do wonder the kind of man would fall in love with a paper witch… (Kaylee covers her lips to hide her smile.) Or woman!
(Little Kaylee opens up her little Book of Love while looking at me.)
Mmm, (clears throat)
There was once a girl who, more than anything else, loved stories and the people who carried them. She fell in love with fantasy, with fact, and with fiction, for they showed her lives she herself could never live. The girl had no story of her own. She was as nameless as the trees of the forest or a single grain of sand upon the shore. Who could ever fall in love with such a thing? So what was left for the girl?
She climbed out of her library and named herself a witch. Yet even as a witch, no one looked her way, and no one cared to hear the stories she carried. "But witches are wonderful," you would hear her say. "They bring imagination to life. They are loved and feared by everyone. Then why does no one notice me?"
She waited, as all the tales promised one should. She waited for the day a traveler would lose their way and stumble into her little house. She waited for a child to ask for a story, or a pilgrim to seek her wisdom, or an outlaw seeking refuge at the edge of society. But no one came.
She came to know two companions who never failed to visit. Loneliness sat beside her every evening without invitation, and Death, patient as the moon, always knew the road to her door. "If no heart in this world can ever love me," the witch would whisper with a weary smile, "then let those two be enough."
Kaylee
I-I'm sorry, I'll stop.
Ophelia
No, continue on.
Kaylee
No, I won't. I'm sorry for— I'm sorry.
Ophelia
We haven't gotten to the picture yet!
Kaylee
…
Ophelia
Alright, alright. I shan't tease you over this any longer.
(Kaylee is still sulking.)
Oh, don't look so down, sweetheart, the interview isn't over. Like you, I'm a bit of a seer myself, and I can tell a lot of things about your future.
Kaylee
I've already read my story in the book.
Ophelia
Romance isn't all there is to life. Otherwise, we wouldn't have all sorts of genres, from mysteries, thrillers, horror, action, and annual tax forms. Tell me, would you like to peer into your future? You can pick the genre.
Kaylee
(Shakes head) No, thank you. I think I'd like it more if I experienced it myself.
Ophelia
Alright, so be it… Oh! I'm finished with my drawing!
Kaylee
Ooh, let me see!

Kaylee
…
Ophelia
Pretty good, right? I think I captured your essence.
Kaylee
This looks nothing like me.
RPC-580-1-18 interview with RPC-645
Date: 02/05/2024 (08:08 AM)
Location: Site-026
Subjects: RPC-645, RPC-580-1-183
Foreword: RPC-645 returned to Site-026-██-█, avoiding getting caught by RPC-022 again. The interview begins in a recreation room in █████ █████.
Interview with a little Malthus 2
(Sherry Malthus, also designated RPC-580-1-18 sits alone at a table with several sheets of graph paper spread before her. She is drawing geometric patterns with a pencil. She seemed to have noticed me flying by, but flying papers didn't arouse her curiosity)
Ophelia
Hello!
(I call out to the little Malthus, only to be met with silence.)
Ophelia
Hello again!
(Yet more silence.)
Ophelia
Third time's the charm. Hello!
Sherry
Hello.
Ophelia
There we are! I was beginning to think my letter had become invisible.
Sherry
RPC-five eigh— Hm… Sherry can see you.
Ophelia
What an utterly boring reaction. Doesn't the sight of a dancing, talking letter amaze you?
Sherry
A lot of inanimate things can talk. Like cameras, or phones, or statues.
(The folded paper hops onto the table.)
Ophelia
My name is Ophelia Charlala, a paper witch! What's yours?
Sherry
I’m not supposed to talk to witches.
Ophelia
Dear girl, do play along. It’s polite to ask a little girl for her name before addressing her. Not to mention, I’m a good witch!
Sherry
Sherry.
Ophelia
Excellent! We've both got names.
Sherry
You already knew my name.
(Sherry points at her name on the paper as it's being transcribed.)
Ophelia
That is true.
Sherry
Then why did you ask?
Ophelia
Because introductions are polite. Now, little Sherry, might I interview you for an article I've been writing? I call it "Interview With a Little Malthus".
Sherry
Acceptable.
Ophelia
Good! Now tell me about yourself. What does it feel like to be a part of the Authority?
Sherry
Bad.
Ophelia
Oh dear, why so?
Sherry
They take my baklava away from Sherry.
Ophelia
That certainly is an unforgivable injustice. But surely you could forgive them for their transgressions.
Sherry
Later. Not now.
(The paper unfolds one edge and peers at the graph paper.)
Ophelia
What are you making?
Sherry
Pattern.
Ophelia
What kind of pattern?
Sherry
Repeating geometric progression.
Ophelia
Ah. I've heard that little Malthuses have a love of mathematics. I, for one, am more of a right-brained person; I could never match the logical strength of you and your siblings.
Sherry
Sherry isn't smart. Johan said we are made this way. Sherry is just drawing shapes. Every shape is larger than the previous shape by a fixed ratio.
Ophelia
Johan? Johan Malthus, I assume?
Sherry
His name is Johan Mustermann.
Ophelia
Oh, I'm familiar with him. But I never got to properly interview him, as much as it pains me. He’s a fascinating young man, but he’s not ready to face magic as you are.
(A brief pause.)
Ophelia
Come now, Sherry, aren't you curious why.
Sherry
Not really.
Ophelia
I'll tell you why.
(I rummage through the list of papers inside the letter, looking for a very brief interview I did with Dr. Johan Malthusmann.)
Interview with a little Malthus
Ophelia
Doctor Johan Malthus!
Dr. Mustermann
HOLY Chips, WHAT THE Fudge!?
(An entire night without sleep seems to have been enough to make Dr. Malthusmann fearful of me. Startled, he stepped back, stumbling along the way.)
Ophelia
Don't worry, I come in peace.
(I approach him.)
Dr. Mustermann
STAY BACK! GET THE Fries AWAY FROM ME! GUARDS! FORSTER! F- SHERRY!
Ophelia
Oh dear, have you had a lot of sleep last ni—
Dr. Mustermann
GET THE F He didn't sleep enough, poor boy. Now wasn't a good time. ME!
It is an obvious truth, which has been taken notice of by many writers, that population must always be kept down to the level of the means of subsistence; but no writer that the Author recollects has inquired particularly into the means by which this level is effected: and it is a view of these means which forms, to his mind, the strongest obstacle in the way to any very great future improvement of society. He hopes it will appear that, in the discussion of this interesting subject, he is actuated solely by a love of truth, and not by any prejudices against any particular set of men, or of opinions. He professes to have read some of the speculations on the future improvement of society in a temper very different from a wish to find them visionary, but he has not acquired that command over his understanding which would enable him to believe what he wishes, without evidence, or to refuse his assent to what might be unpleasing, when accompanied with evidence.
vii
Sherry
Johan is easily scared.
Ophelia
Really? Nothing? Isn't seeing your brother startled at least a little funny?
Sherry
Not really.
Ophelia
Dear oh dear, you are quite a difficult child to entertain.
(I fidget my corner-feet on the table.)
Ophelia
Sherry, may I ask you a question?
Sherry
You are currently doing that.
Ophelia
Ehem, what is your favorite thing?
Sherry
Define favorite.
Ophelia
The thing you like most.
Sherry
Most useful?
Ophelia
No.
Sherry
Most efficient?
Ophelia
No.
Sherry
Most durable?
Ophelia
No.
Sherry
I do not understand.
Ophelia
Okay… What is the thing that makes you happiest?
(Sherry thinks about this in silence.)
Ophelia
Take your time.
Sherry
I do not know. I know positive and negative outcomes.
Ophelia
Mhm~
Sherry
I know discomfort.
Ophelia
Mhm~
Sherry
I know satisfaction.
Ophelia
Mhm~!
Sherry
I do not know what happiness feels like. RPC-580-1 instances are incapable of that.
Ophelia
Oh, but I don't believe that. Not only is that categorically and biologically untrue, but also, if it was true, it would be terribly sad.
Sherry
Why?
Ophelia
Because happiness is nice.
Sherry
Then describe it.
Ophelia
You can't describe happiness.
Sherry
Everything can be described. That is why we have dictionaries.
Ophelia
Not properly. (The paper clears its throat.) Very well… Happiness is…
…
Blast! This is harder than expected.
Sherry
Attempt it.
Ophelia
Hmm… How do you define happiness to a child who doesn't understand it…
(The paper folds itself into a thoughtful shape.)
happiness noun
/ˈhæpinəs/
The state of feeling or showing pleasure to find true happiness.
- Fame did not bring her happiness.
- the pursuit of happiness
- Her eyes shone with happiness.
- Their grandchildren are a constant source of happiness.
Ophelia
Does this satisfy you?
(Sherry shakes her head.)
Ophelia
I thought not. Happiness is the feeling you get when somebody important walks through a door and you didn't realize how much you missed them until they're standing in front of you.
Sherry
That is too specific.
Ophelia
So you do know what it means.
Sherry
Yes, but your definition is bad.
Ophelia
You're hurting my feelings. Let's see now… Happiness is… The feeling you get when somebody gives you a gift you didn't know you wanted.
Sherry
Also too specific.
Ophelia
You're impossible.
Sherry
You are struggling.
Ophelia
I am, I am. You run a very strict program, little Malthus.
(Sherry returns to drawing.)
Sherry
Perhaps happiness is difficult to describe because it is not a physical process.
Ophelia
Maybe.
Sherry
Humans struggle to describe internal experiences.
Ophelia
That's very insightful.
Sherry
I read it in a textbook.
Ophelia
Oh dear, oh, dear. And there goes the magic. But you know, you are quite intelligent for your age, and none of it has to do with your genetic makeup. From our conversation, I might go as far as to assume you might be quite cheeky. You’re using your wits to make this poor little paper stumble, aren’t you?
(For the first time, the corner of Sherry's mouth twitches upward.)
(I freeze.)
Ophelia
Wait.
Sherry
What?
Ophelia
Do that again.
Sherry
Do what?
Ophelia
That thing with your face.
Sherry
My facial muscles are functioning normally.
Ophelia
No, no. The other thing.
Sherry
Clarify.
Ophelia
I think you just smiled.
(Sherry reaches up and touches her own cheek.)
(The paper scribbles something enthusiastically.)
Sherry
What are you writing?
Ophelia
A very important scientific observation.
Sherry
Which is?
Sherry smiled once.
Sherry
That is not science.
Ophelia
It's science to me. Sherry… May I ask one final question?
Sherry
Acceptable.
Ophelia
If someone took your baklava away forever… would that upset you?
Sherry
Yes.
Ophelia
Why?
Sherry
Because I like baklava.
Ophelia
And if Johan disappeared forever?
(Sherry does not answer.)
Sherry?
Sherry
… That is different. Baklava can be replaced, but Johan cannot.
Ophelia
Why not?
Sherry
There is only one Johan.
Ophelia
Is there? Johan is a little Malthus just as much as you and your siblings are. There are hundreds of you.
(A long silence.)
But he's special, isn't he? He, Dr. Forster, and your siblings and your foster parents bring you comfort and support. You feel it even if you aren't smiling.
Sherry
Then what is happiness?
Ophelia
I think you already know. The little Malthus knew happiness long before she knew the word for it.
RPC-022 - The Eternal Legate

Object Class: Beta-Yellow (Utility)
RPC-022 is a late Roman Empire-era marble statue of an unnamed soldier. It is animate and sapient, and is capable of expert combat and speech. It expresses strong loyalty to the Authority, which it refers to as the "Vanguard of Hercules."
RPC-222 - Little Book of Love

Object Class: Beta-White
RPC-222 is a ten-page cardboard book titled "The Little Book of Love!". RPC-222-1 is a 13-year-old human girl with Osteogenesis Imperfecta named Kaylee Havenson. When the book is read by RPC-222-1, the pages will describe intimate details on a present subject regarding their "fated" love life. On the final page will be an image of the subject's "destined partner".
RPC-580 - The Lost Children of Malthus

Object Class: Alpha-White
RPC-580 is a genomic template created by the Church of Malthus for the creation of disposable human clones (DHC). These clones (RPC-580-1) are biologically and neurologically engineered to be their perfect test subject. RPC-580-1-18 is one of twelve surviving clones created by the Authority.
