P(r)ickled Pickles
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| Registered Phenomena Code: 759 Containment Rating: Alpha Lethality Rating: Red |
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Containment Protocols: Authority web-crawler (AmazingFan-035) is to monitor social media for any mentions of RPC-759 or grand-scale pickle/cucumber promotions. All RPC-759 instances found in physical venues are to be cremated and disposed of per standard anomalous biomatter guidelines. A single 749ml "Especial Edision" jar is kept in cold storage at Site-036's freezer for study.
Any subjects in late-stage addiction are to be humanely euthanized at range, and the resulting RPC-759 instances disposed of. UNAAC has agreed to financially reimburse affected families from their Anomalous Disasters Aid fund. Personnel found to have bought RPC-759 from official Amazing! Co. channels will face severe punitive infractions and demotion, if not outright termination of their contract. Amazing! Co.'s Catalog(ue) N°144 is banned from staff access below L-4R clearance.
RPC-759's Catalog(ue) N°144 Advertisement.
Description: An Amazing! Co. line of red, brine-based pickled cucumbers. Ingesting one or more pickles results in a sudden spike in cortisol, a release of adrenaline and testosterone, a tripling in blood pressure, as well as increased aggression and clouding of judgment. These effects are attributed to "carpcaibsin",1 an anomalous, sweet-tasting capsaicin-like chemical.
RPC-759 is highly addictive, and continued consumption will result in deformations and the atrophy of the limbic system. While effective at suppressing anger following its initial outburst, atrophy will lead to an inability to express negative emotions unless through ingestion of RPC-759. Withdrawal symptoms include low blood pressure and panic attacks, and subjects may resort to murder or theft as a means to acquire RPC-759 when commercial means are unavailable.
Continued ingestion will permanently taint the skin red, cause profuse sweating, and spread welts outwards from the stomach across the body. Hair will fall out, and psychotic breakdowns may result in self-mutilating or heart failure. Eventually, the subject's limbs and head will begin to inflate as sweat accumulates inside the skin and organs. They will attack anyone on sight until expiration, usually through complete vessel implosion and heart detonation. New, sweat-brined RPC-759 instances can be found inside the subject's body.
Discovery: As part of a large promotional event, Amazing! Co. began to partner with veiled content creators for the review of their newest product lines, amongst which was RPC-759. Due to its individual-level threat, this was not placed at the top of containment and disinformation operatives until subject addiction reached a point of no-return, resulting in multiple explosion-born casualties.
WEB-CRAWL REPORTS - JULY | Anomaly in Unveiled Media | #ACO-1A599
MikeDoesFood - (2026, July 6th) "OffBrand Reviews 122: P(r)ickled Pickles"
Source: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91jEfK7FSYI]
Niche comedian and food content creator, Michael Fritz, acquires a 149ml jar of RPC-759 from his local COSTCO in Cleveland, Ohio, and records a taste-review inside of his car at COSTCO's parking lot. Taste and texture descriptions match Authority files, but the review quickly devolves into a political rant regarding the state Jordan in relation to international oil trade. The video ends with Michael breaking his car's dashboard in a fit of rage as he remembers needing to refill his car's tank.
MikeDoesFood - (2026, July 7th) "OffBrand Reviews 122: Carl's Wack Weiners"
Source: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81jDgK7KLVI]
Michael is shown in his car, having undergone physical deformations as a result of continued RPC-759 consumption (an opened pickle jar is visible in his dashboard, which he eats from throughout the video alongside Wack Weiners). His continued rants on Jordan become increasingly incoherent, blaming them for the downfall of the Ottoman Empire and its trickle-down effect into WW2. Michael breaks down in tears before a bystander knocks on his windows. He proceeds to punch through the window to grab the bystander and slam them against his car's door repeatedly.
MikeDoesFoodOfficial - (2026, July 13th) | Social Media Activity
Source: [https://x.com/mikedoesfood01/status/███████████████]
Having been released from jail, Michael makes a final social media post declaring his intentions to travel to Jordan and assassinate Hussein bin Abdullah al-Hashimi. He links a Google Drive document containing a 60-page manifesto claiming to be the true heir of the Hashemite dynasty. In it is also a five-minute video of Michael struggling to talk about his manifesto as his head inflates enough to constrict mouth movement.
Columbus Police Department - (2026, July 14th) | Police Report
Source: [https://www.columbus.gov/files/sharedassets/city/v/1/public-safety/police/press-releases/2026/july/█████████████.pdf]
Michael Fritz is detained at John Glenn Columbus International Airport by security before Authority assets are able to intercept him. He detonates inside of the airport's interrogation room, killing all present staff. ASF units, disguised as an anti-terrorist response squad, evacuate the area and retrieve all remaining RPC-759 instances from the scene.
MikeDoesFood and its affiliated accounts have since been taken down, and his death attributed to a bomb-vest explosion in a failed terrorist attack.
Incident Reports:
"PRINCESS IN THE CASTLE" INCIDENT REPORT
Date: 05/07/2026 Location: Site-026 Sender: Cap. Joris Nikolaou Nature: Cascading humanoid scuffle Priority: BETA-ORANGE Due to a typo, a jar of RPC-759 meant for testing was sent to Site-026 instead of Site-036. At 10:50 AM, a fight broke out between RPC-692 and RPC-912 as they were sharing various pickled goods over brunch. While RPC-692 was unaffected, RPC-912 began hostilities minutes after ingestion following perceived slights against its age and attire. RPC-912 unsuccessfully attempted to incapacitate RPC-692 with a metal chair while screaming profanities2 for eight minutes as they ran circles around the dining hall - with RPC-692 believing it to be a game.
As ASF units arrived into the area, RPC-912 restrained RPC-692 using its hair, then proceeded to climb to the buildings ceiling. Security was unable to properly diffuse the situation as they joined nearby anomalies in their efforts to "save the princess" from the "the evil old witch". This is believed to be an unexpected reaction of RPC-692's passive effects following RPC-759 ingestion, as birds and various wildlife attempted to attack RPC-912 with little success.
The incident continued for 40 more minutes until RPC-580-1 instances devised a plan to disable RPC-912, involving the deployment of spray-based glue at its hair through helicopter. RPC-912 and RPC-692 were recovered as emotional anomalies subsided and brought to Dr. Luka Jurić for medical assessment. While RPC-692 was mostly intact, RPC-912 required various acetone bath treatments for its hair, and was left to nest for tertiary injuries. A singular RPC-580-1 instance was hit in the head by a stray spoon ladle amidst the conflict and required medical assistance.
No lasting effects were detected in either instances, and they have since apologized to each other over the incident.
TEST LOG 759-12 MATERIALS:
- 1 expired RPC-759 instance.
- CSD-2833
PURPOSE:
To assess the effects of RPC-759 past its expiration dates, and determine the utility of carpcaibsin. This experiment was requested at the behest of Chef Jean-Loup LaRue from Site-036 and his hypothesis of using carpcaibsin as an stimulant.
PROCEDURE:
Dr. Jennifer Mitch will observe CSD-2833 through the testing chamber glass after he's ordered to ingest the provided instance. Monitoring will continue for half an hour (median time for RPC-759 effects to subside) before being returned to his temporary holding cell.
RESULTS:
CSD-2833 reported the texture as "gummy" with a fruity flavor. The pickle itself had lost its coloration, turning a deep shade of blue. CSD-2833 ingested three portions before refusing to continue, citing nausea over its saccharine taste. By the half-hour mark, CSD-2833 showed no visible effects typically associated with RPC-759. Blood pressure was lower than pre-testing readings, and he claimed to be "tired". It was believed, then, that expiration of RPC-759 resulted only in its adverse side-effects.
During cook duties, CSD-2833 attempted to commit suicide later that evening by throwing himself into a Site-036 industrial deep fryer. Despite sustaining third-degree burns over 90% of his body, CSD-2833 claimed to feel no (physical) pain and requested a second try at the fryer. He expired 12 hours later from his injuries.
All expired RPC-759 instances have since been disposed of.
UPDATE - 13/07/2026: RPC-759's largest promotional event occurred during the third-match of the "Grantastic Multiversal 15th" in MMM (Multiversal Murder Madness), a professional wrestling promotion only aired through Amazing! Co. products. On the 1st of July, 2026, it publicly aired on USA Network and NXT instead of the usual "Friday Night SmackDown". Initially ignored as a gag from the WWE, Authority scanners failed to detect and shut down streaming until after the promotional segment, which is as follows:
Grantastic Multiversal 15th - BRAINS VS. BRAWN
Commentators:
- James John Vandersnatch
- Rowler Cramenbog
Heels:
- Emanuel "El Malthusian" Guzman
- Bart "Maberick" Bart
Faces:
- Edgar "AXIOM" Findelwick
- Shio "Ger'Thommy" Bet
[ BEGIN TRANSCRIPT ]
Vandersnatch: -and AXIOM throws Maberick out and away into the ropes - folks, it's a Freudian Slip! You can practically feel the confidence seeping out of his mind field. Is Maberick's reign of terror done for?
[Maberick slams with a loud metallic clank against the ring, having to affix his metal jaw as AXIOM continues to meditate atop a folding metal chair.]
Cramenbog: He's still seeing stars, James! I don't want to play favorites, but - WHAT IS THAT?!
[From the corner of the ring comes a man in tight red spandex, multiple arms protruding from his back. The audience boos as the bows with all three sets of arms.]
Vandersnatch: And El Malthusian joins the ring!
Cramenbog: Here I thought he would be keeping that extra head from the 12th Grantastic.
Vandersnatch: Who needs double the heads-
[El Malthusian jumps from the rope and grabs Maberick with one set of hands, using him as a platform to piledrive AXIOM after a flying pirouette.]
Vandersnatch: -when you can double the pain!
Cramenbog: How will Germany's favorite psychic get away from this one?!
[The lights turn off as wrestlers stare at a beam of light shining down onto the center of the ring. A humanoid creature with various gelatinous appendages slowly descends from the ceiling. Suddenly jumping out mid-air, it flies towards El Malthusian for a somersault kick.]
Vandersnatch: And here comes our last wrestler of the 4th kind! Can AXIOM retake the lead now that Ger'Thommy has come to aid him all the way from Shio-44?
[Maberick helps El Malthusian off of the ground as AXIOM and Ger'Thommy press their heads together. Looking around, El Malthusian retrieves a 499ml RPC-759 jar from his back despite possessing no pockets.]
Cramenbog: My God, is that even allowed? Didn't we outlaw doping after last month's videric fiasco! I hope there's no more exploding eyeballs this time around…
Vandersnatch: Why, it would seem our trouble duo has received aid from Amazing! Co. and their new product line. Amazing! Co.'s P(r)ickled Pickles: Unleash the Inner Beast. Feeling down? Life punching you down? Get prickled, and… [Vandersnatch pauses to closely read his script] put them in your pickle? [He looks at Cramenbog who shrugs] and put them in your pickle! Available at all stores ever everywhere for a reasonable price.
Cramenbog: Get them now while they're still warm!
[Smirking, Maberick opens the jar by smashing it against his metal forehead. El Malthusian picks him up onto his back with one set of arms as Maberick turns the entire jar up into his mouth, ingesting all 13 pickles in less than ten seconds as El Malthusian keep both oppoenents at bay with his remaining arms. Maberick is released as he begins to shake as welts form across his body.]
Cramenbog: James, I'll say, I've heard "red with rage" before, but this is ridiculous!
Vandersnatch: Ain't that so? Now that-
[Grabbing Maberick by his feet with all arms, El Malthusian spins him around and launches him towards AXIOM. Ger'Thommy attempts to psychically intercept him, but a metal chair flung at his face breaks his concentration, as well as a few teeth.]
Vandersnatch: -AND THERE COMES RUSHING MABERICK, LADIES AND GENTS! NEVER HAVE I SEEN A MAN SO POSSESSED.
[Pressing a finger against his temple, AXIOM attempts to push Maberic back through shockwaves emerging from his forehead.]
Cramenbog: AXIOM is trying his best, but Maberick's brain has been taken by rage! Nothing can stop the missile!
[Maberick crashes into AXIOM, sending both of them tumbling across the ring. Rising, red and inflated, Maberick grabs AXIOM and lifts him above his head.]
Vandersnatch: I cannot watch this! Rowley, cover my eyes!
[With a wet growl, Maberick tears AXIOM apart, sending both of his halves flying across the ring.]
Cramenbog: Holy cheese and crackers, not again!
[Continuing to scream, Maberick extremities continue to inflate as steam billows out of his orifices.]
Cramenbog: James, get down!
[Maberick explodes, releasing a shower of RPC-759 instances as well as shrapnel from his mechanical implants, knocking both El Malthusian and Ger'Thommy out.]
[ END TRANSCRIPT ]
Before the match could conclude (resulting in a victory by El Malthusian), Authority assets were able to intercept and shut down the transmission. Further disinformation campaigns painted the incident as an out-of-date April Fools event by the WWE. RPC-759 and RPC-759-related merchandise releases increased for the following week, as well as direct EoI advertisements and deals; multiple raids on Malthusian cells garnered no captives due to Malthusians self-terminating by ingesting "Big Senior: P(r)ickled in-a Bag" single-pickle RPC-759 concentrates and running at MSTs.